6 yr old ds is making life hell, dont know how to help

[debs26]

have already posted this under behaviour but someone suggested putting it under lone parents so im having a go.

ds1 is 6. i am no longer with his father but we have been thru court and he has an order allowing him to have a lot of contact (i agreed to this at the time) but the kids hardly ever see him, they always spend the time with his parents who spoil them rotten and are constantly telling them nasty things about me and dp, even getting ds1 to lie to the doctor about us abusing him (wasnt beleived). ds1s behaviour has been getting steadily worse and i have decided we need to get contact reduced so that ball is already rolling. i cant stop contact because the order allows his grandparents to collect the kids and if i say that xp isnt there so i want them back, his parents will call him to get him to turn up and make it legit.

the problem is that his behaviour just gets worse and worse. he says he is choosing to behave badly. everytime we punish him he says he doesnt care because he will be seeing his grandmother soon and he can do what he likes there. he has been sent home from school a number of times and last week we decided to try keeping him at home for half of the day to see if it settles him. last week was great, them we had a lovely weekend until about 3pm yesterday when he turned into a horror for no reason whatsoever. he has been behaving badly since and i am at the end of my tether. i have given him the choice of behaving and coming in the living room with me and ds3 to do his school work or misbehaving and he will have to stay on the stairs. he has been on the stairs for about an hour now and he says he wants to stay there.

he can be so lovely at times, but when he wants to be bad he is rude, violent, obnoxious, and everything i say is always answered by 'its ok, grandma will let me do what i like when i see her'.

i have no idea how to help him. we have been to the gp who refered him to the behaviour problem centre, but they bounced the referal back to gp saying they can only take emergency cases (ie life threatening). they suggested another centre who told me they cant help, he is too old, try his school nurse. tried calling her, was told she is out but will call me back sometime this week!!

i dont know what to do. i have tried reading books but none of them address my situation. they all say to be consistent but that is the one thing i cant do - i am seen as the wicked witch and his granparents let him run riot. i have tried cutting out additives but they wont do it so twice a week he is pumped full of crap again and whatever i do is undone.

i suspect there is no one out there in this exact situation but if anyone has any words of wisdom i would be so grateful

[Frizbe]

Oh {{big hugs}} debs26, you have my sympathies on this one, I myself am a parent and a step parent, so know the value of both sides working together on this,(and am very relieved that our extended family do) I don't suppose that (and this is a very long shot and I don't know your circumstances or history) that you could try talking to his parents and get them to see the error of their ways, or if there is any way that you could do this via some sort of mediation? as they being parents themselves surely must realise what a nightmare of a grandson they're attributing to? if you catch my drift?
I wish you every success in sorting this out, but it looks like it may take a while...have you tried the school head? as often it helps if they express any schooling difficulties to both parents and helps to get them working together?

[debs26]

have tried to get grandparents to help but they refuse to acknowledge there is a problem. the kids are allowed to punch them, swear at them, anything they like and then they say they never behave badly at their house! we have tried mediation of sorts in the past and they wont stick to anything we agree on. i supose i was hoping of some way i can help ds by myself, i know thats unlikely

[Caligula]

Have you tried getting in touch with Surestart and seeing if they can help mediate with the grandparents from hell? If it came from someone other than you, they might be more inclined to take some notice of it.

Personally, I would stop contact. There is no way anyone can parent effectively when somebody else outside their family is allowed to sabotage and undermine all their parenting, without having to take any responsibility for the consequences. But you may not be in a position to do that.

[debs26]

mediation is just not an option. social services have already tried and they refused to even attend. am considering breaking the order to stop contact but that would leave me in contempt of court and i dont want to risk my chances in the long term. am going to go and see head teacher this afternoon. maybe if he gets expelled from school someone will take notice

[Caligula]

debs26, if you put everything in writing to your xp and explain that the reason you are stopping contact is because the gp's are deliberately undermining your parenting and encouraging your DS to misbehave, but that you would be happy for xp to see the children and work together to ensure that you both parent effectively, blah blah, I don't think a court would hold it against you.

The situation you are in now is impossible. You are simply not being allowed to parent effectively. I'd like to shoot the grandparents on your behalf!

[WideWebWitch]

debs I posted on your other thread.

[debs26]

thanks caligula and www, its just all got a bit much this morning. am sure the people i phoned couldnt understand a word i said cos i was blubbing so much

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn

[Blu]

Debs - poor you, what a horrible situation. I have absolutely no experience of this, but as someone else said, the GP are clearly beyond appealing to - anyone who can encourage their grandchild to lie about abuse in his home is not interested in his best interests at all. JUst reading your description of his behaviour, some things occur to me.

They are using him as a power thing against you, and he has picked up on this. Actually, the more you complain about problems, the more probable it is that they smirk to themselves.

Have you tried simply ignoring bad behaviour, and really praising good? By ignoring I mean just quietly take all attention away from him - don't comment at all. If he is doing something dangerous, just prevent him in a low-key way witrhout making eye contact? As far as he is concerned, attention is attention, and you being cross or punishing him is a sign that he has you dancing to his tune, and are having to concentrate on HIS bad behaviour rather than anything else you might be doing. He may also be testing the role his gp have put you in - "is Mummy horrid?" - can you break the pattern by simply ignoring rather than reacting? But you have to go mad on the praise angle too.

Do you know how he feels about the family break up, and your dp? He may well be feeling it that his own Dad takes so little notice of him, and feel sad and rejected (however much of an the guy is, your DS may still crave his company and approval?)

Don't just stop access without talking to your solicitor. Is there a way that access could be changed, so that it has to be his Dad, and at regular times? It could be v hard on your DS to just stop access.

[debs26]

thanks guys, he has just gone off to school now so i have calmed down a bit. you are probably right, they will love it when i get mad at him, will try to remember that next time. i do try to praise as much as i can, but ignoring bad behaviour is hard as he is so huge for his age i cant physically remove him from anything dangerous, and that is what he goes for everytime because he knows thats what gets the attention (he is a v smart boy, too smart methinks). have tried star charts and pasta jar, but it only works for a week at the most. any other suggestions? the more unusual the better cos he might actually react positively to wierd stuff!

[babyface]

er.. wierd suggestion here. I have just started my 6yr old at karate classes & found them a really positive influence on his behavior. They really emphasise 'black-belt' respect for friends & family and get rid of some of that aggressive energy in a positive way... and he really enjoys it and has someting to work towards with the different levels... so might be worth a go.

[debs26]

thanks babyface, have just rung round and found one in the area. he has been dying to go to one but i thought it would make things worse. if it worked for you its definately worth a try!

[babyface]

Hi Debs, hows it going?
Has the karate been any help?

[debs26]

havent managed to get there for one reason or another! he has started singing club at school and beavers and we have been having a trial run of keeping him at home in the mornings so he doesnt get too overwhelmed by school and he does seem to be responding. am planning on taking him next saturday so we will see then. thanks for asking x