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I feel so guilty - is this normal

9 replies

mummyalone · 19/02/2008 18:28

Split from ex in November after discovering an affair, he tells me he was unhappy in the marriage and even if he didnt have the affair he would want to leave. I can't stop thinking that if I'd done something different he wouldnt want to leave me and ultimately his boys and I am wracked with guilt that they boys are now left without their daddy because I failed to make him happy. I cant understand how he doesnt want to come home and try to keep our family together, I feel so alone and full of regret got this constant churning in my stomach that something could be done - is this just a stage cause I've been doin really well up to now? Does anybody (or has anybody) feel this way, I keep seeing his good points and remembering our happy times. I now hes done something outrageous to us but cant help thinking its my fault!

OP posts:

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Karen999 · 19/02/2008 18:31

It is not your fault and you must remember that!! I know it must be hard but you must not blame yourself....blame the arsehole who had the affair and ruined your family!

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allgonebellyup · 19/02/2008 19:04

This is NOT your fault..

i finished with my ex last year cos our relationship went slightly stale and i was bored, and now the kids suffer cos of what i did..

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Citronella · 19/02/2008 19:42

Really you must not blame yourself. It takes two to make or break a relationship. I understand about the churning in your stomach, I feel that too after the same amount of time as you and it was me who called time on the relationship. You will have crap days and you will have better days but eventually (lots of people have told me so) you will have good days and great days. Try to take care of yourself and focus on one day at a time and rejoice in the love of your boys. And when you're feeling down, come on here and sound off. Plenty of people will listen.
xx

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snotbuster · 19/02/2008 20:56

Guilt is one of the recognized stages of grieving - as are denial, anger and acceptance (may be another one too but can't remember what it is).
It is absolutely normal to feel like this but it wasn't your fault. People also feel like this when someone dies and agonize over how they could have prevented it happening. It's all part of healing from losing someone dear to you.
It is so hard but will get better eventually. It's very early days for you - be nice to yourself and let friends help too.

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gillybean2 · 20/02/2008 12:23

He is leaving despite you and the boys, not because of. There's nothing you could of done because he chose not to talk to you.

He wasn't happy, the grass always seems greener on the other side, and he chose to see for himself.

Ultimately he is not leaving the boys. Hopefully he will want to remain an important part of their life and hopefully you understand how important it is for him to have a relationship with them and won't put obstacles in the way of this.

Concentrate on making sure the boys get to see their dad and spend quality time with him and are fully aware that you both still live them. Seeing tehir dad will also give you a break and allow you to get on with your own life and have some me time.

Try and look at it this way, if you love him surely you would want him to be happy. And if being happy is to be elsewhere then better he goes and that gives you the chance to find someone who is happy being with you, but also for you both to be happier in the long run. It is painful now, but there is nothing you could or should of done. He made the choices.

Stay strong for your boys
Gilly

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tobeornot · 20/02/2008 12:31

The churning in your stomach is a horrible feeling that our body does to us when in shock. One day you will wake up without that physical symptom and be on the road to feeling normal again. Things will get better. Please, dont blame yourself. He is the one that chose to leave your family.

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TillyScoutsmum · 20/02/2008 12:43

Don't feel guilty... Yes, it takes two people to make a marriage work and we are probably all guilty of taking our partners for granted from time to time BUT did he ever tell you he was unhappy and give you the opportunity to sort things out ? Or did he just say nothing and go off and have his affair ? If its the latter, then how could you possibly have done anything to work things out if you weren't told how he was feeling.

Relationships breakdown and people leave (and if you're not the one making the decision, it is very difficult because you have no control) BUT he owed it to you and your boys to at least give it a decent go. You have nothing to feel guilty about

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lostdad · 20/02/2008 13:22

Yes, it's normal to feel guilty - but that doesn't mean you are necessarily to blame.

It takes two people to make a relationship/marriage, but only one to end it.

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mummyalone · 23/02/2008 21:11

Just took some time out and came back to all your messages, thanks to you all, particularly gillybean and TillyScoutsmum, think you both summed it up! I have a little more perspective on it now and yes, I have to accept my part in this horrible mess, however, I realise rather than face up to what was wrong and give us a chance the guy bailed out and didnt fight for us. Thanks guys for all your positive words - it helps.