So fed up with ex-h now

[antartica]

Long story, been divorced from ex-h for over 4 years now and my dd hasn't seen him since she was 5 months, his choice because he couldn't stand seeing me and I wouldn't just hand her over without me (he has a history of violence). I've basically had no contact with him since, no money from him, I've paid off all the debts he left me with which has been hard work and I've just about finished paying it all. That may sound stupid but I didn't want any contact with him if I could help it, didn't want any more emotional blackmail and him threatening me. In my eyes it was worth the money just to be away from him.

Today I found out through the friend of a friend that he got remarried almost a year ago and somehow that's just depressed me. I didn't want him back at all but it feels so wrong that he's getting on with his life, with a new wife, good job and money while I haven't even had one date and struggle to scrape by. After the way he behaved to me I just wanted him to be miserable the rest of his life, not having everything go well for him.

I'm happy I've done the decent thing and looked after my dd and paid the bills but it would have been nice to hear he was single and homeless too Now I feel partly stupid for not pursuing him for maintenance because I could do with the money and he should pay, but I still want to leave it because the thought of using his money disgusts me.

Dunno how to feel or what to do, anyone been in a similar situation?

[snotbuster]

I am (unfortunately) in contact with my XP who does see our DS. He was violent to me when we were together and I feel exactly the same way as you do about him having 'moved on'. Friends keep telling me it should be a relief that he's found someone new - but I hate the unfairness of the situation i.e that he's able to go out and meet people whilst I have an awful lot of lonely evenings. Also can't understand who'd want him!
About the money though, can't you claim through CSA but tell them you don't want him to have your address? Think they have provision for this. They are (very) slow though. You could always pay it straight into a savings account for DD if you don't want to touch it.
Realise this news has knocked you a bit but be proud of what you've achieved, it's not easy to get yourself out of that sort of situation and back on track.

[antartica]

Thanks snotbuster - I can't understand who'd want ex-h either, almost want to meet this new wife just to see who'd take him. It's a bad situation but glad I'm not the only one - we get to be responsible and stay in while they get to do whatever they like.

He already knows where I live, haven't moved since I left him but he's been steering clear of me, probably in case I try and get money from him. So if I claim he might have nothing to lose and start asking for access and otherwise interfering in my life. Good idea about the savings account, I haven't managed to save much for her so that could be good.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I am still proud that I took care of dd and myself all by myself, just have to try and ignore his 'success'.

[gillybean2]

My ex has nothing to do with his son, that's his choice, he lives abroad anyhow, and I asked him recently to reconsider but he wouldn't. He pays a meagre amount every quarter. I used to put this into a savings account which my Dad sorts out so I didn't see the money at all. But recently things have been really dire financially, and my son wanted to do swimming and music lessons and other activities, so I now use that money to pay for those. I also used some of it to take him on holiday.

It will of course be upsetting to hear your ex has got on with life and found someone new. That's a natural reaction. It's part of that eternal, 'i don't want him but i don't want anyone else to have him either' stuff we go through. You will be ok.

It is important for children to have contact with both parents. However i can understand your concerns re the agression and violence. This was all a long time ago though and perhaps it was the situation that you both found yourself in that made him react that way. He might be able to deal with his anger better now. You can always ask for these things before agreeing contact, ie that he undergoes an anger management course, that you discuss things with a mediator, that a contact centre be used as he does not know child and she doesn't know him.

That's assuming he even would want to have contact. You say he knows where you live but has made no effort in the past.

Put your child's needs and emotional well being before your own feelings. Get that money she deserves from him, and if that does happen to trigger him into seeking contact, deal with it in a way that is best for your daughter. She has a right to know who her father is and to have a relaationship with him. Has she never asked any questions about her Dad?

Gilly

[antartica]

Much as its hard to think of, you're right that he might have changed by now - I know from (ex) friends of his that he's still got the same bad attitude and is still involved in 'not very legal' activities (I never condoned that, he did it behind my back) which makes it hard to imagine him behaving any differently, but he might have learnt something by now. I'm mentally judging him on the way I last knew him, and on having to live with him which I don't have to do now and I've changed almost completely so he might have changed a little bit too.

He hasn't tried to have access but he kept up contact for a couple of years through sending christmas and birthday presents, partly just to try and annoy me (based on the things he'd write on the parcels), that stopped when I didn't react to it (I'd pass on dd's thanks through a friend because I didn't and still don't know how to contact him). I hadn't even thought about him not wanting contact - thinking about it he's probably relieved not to be 'inconvienienced' by a child and won't even bother.

You're right about it being about dd's relationship with him rather than my feelings, I haven't let things lie out of spite, it just seemed the best for everyone but I should really leave it to dd to decide. She's never asked about her dad, she just seemed to accept she didn't have one, probably because she's been around other kids with single parents but I'm sure she'll ask in the coming years. She's said before "I've got a mummy and a grandma/grandad" but always left her dad out of it.

The weird thing is, after sleeping on it I'm somehow very relieved he's married again - because presumably it means he won't still be obsessing about 'needing to get me back' (which he did after I left). Could be a really good thing, if he really is happy then hopefully he won't want to meddle in mine and dd's lives in a bad way.

Thanks for the advice, I think its just a shock to the system that I have to sort out the present issue now, rather than being able to keep him 'in the past'.