I don't understand why I'm so blimmin upset FGS

[Citronella]

I am the one who decided to call it a day so why do I feel lonely and tearful 3 months later. And why does it hurt that he is obviously having fun on sexy chat websites while we still have to live in the same house. I really shouldn't give a toss but i've finished it because of how unhappy our relationship made me. I'm hardly going to jump straight into another one so why can he move on so quickly? in the first couple of months of the split i was really strong but in the last week i just keep crying at the most stupid time s (on the train, at my desk, in the street and worst of all in front of him) it's getting embarrassing.

[singledadofthree]

how do you know he's moved on? - dont know about the sexy chat site lark, but maybe he still feels the same about you.

[Citronella]

Well he says he's gutted about getting divorced but he wants to get on with his life/can't live with me anymore/we are constantly at loggerheads etc

[Dropdeadfred]

How long do you have to live in the same house for?

[singledadofthree]

ah yeah, thats a bit more serious than i first thought. so you both agree its the only way then, is just a matter of getting used to it and moving on. someone told me ages ago it takes a month per year of being married to get over splitting up - is only an average of course, but gives you an idea.

[Citronella]

Dropdeadfred it looks like probably another couple of months.
So I'm looking at another year and a half of mixed up emotions. Great.

[singledadofthree]

is only an average not a rule - my ex got over me before we split up - so who knows, we're all different i guess.

[Citronella]

Can I ask what helped you move on. At the moment work is a busy distraction during the day and the dcs of course and I try to take things a few days at a time. So much to organise.
But it's still
Anyway going to have a good day with dcs today!

[lostdad]

singledadofthree - snap!

And if it's news to you (i.e. it's been planned) it feels like they `got over' you overnight whereas they've had a long time to get used to the idea while acting like everything of fine.

Of course, this means that I have trust issues now.

[gillybean2]

Seems to me he's distracting himself with these chat things. And if he's waving it in your face that's purely to make you feel jealous wouldn't you think?

It's hard to hurt someone that you love/loved, and to have your hopes and dreams come to an end. It's a very sad thing and it's perfectly normal to be upset and emotional. In some ways it's worse than a death because the wound doesn't heal and there's always the 'what ifs' and maybes, whereas death is completely final.

Keeping things inside and pretending everything is ok might be his way to deal with it, but you deal with it differently and that's ok. Find people you trust that you can talk to in confidence, even if it's just here talking about it helps a lot.

I find that the people in my life that i have truely loved i still have feelings for even years later. But that doesn't mean i can live with them and i know my life is better off without them. It's also better for the children in the long run.

The one week for every month things is a rough rule of thumb but it does seem to have some bearing. One day you'll wake up and realise that you've moved on, but don't count the days, it will just happen.

A good exercise can be to write a list of all the things you like about your other half, and then also a list of everything you hate and can't live with. You'll probably find that the hate list outweighs the love list. And there probably won't be much on the love's list that you couldn't get with someone else.

Stay strong for your children and for yourself. You will get through this. But keeping it inside can drive you insane. DOn't be afraid of your tears or emotions, accept them as part of the healing process.

Good luck
Gilly

[Citronella]

Thank you gillybean. The strongest feelings I have for him at the moment are sheer anger, indignation disbelief at how he could have ever thought we could carry on the way we were

[singledadofthree]

citronella - is a tricky question. i didnt stop loving her, thats for sure. even after we split she came and went a few times when she needed help - a long story. i guess the thing that stopped me wanting her in our lives full time was after the last of several suicide attempts. wasnt because of me or the kids but problems she created for herself away from here. just didnt want to be with someone who cared so little for her own kids. there was a lot more to it than that, but was probably the final straw.

lostdad - yep, does dent the trust lark. we split up loads of times before finally getting divorced. each time we got back i thought it might work. even when overhearing her tell a bloke she loved him but would do anything to be with her kids - needless to say we didnt last. and found recently that it still affects life, even now, has taken me too long to figure it all out, problems that started long before i even knew her. however - life goes on - so never say never.

[littlewoman]

You still feel tearful because your dreams have died, Citronella. All the things you thought you'd be and do together are no more, and suddenly where your future was there is a great black hole instead - and you don't know yet how that will be filled. It is very normal to feel this loss, but one day you will start to fill that black hole with new dreams and plans. Don't rush yourself - just get through a day at a time for the moment. Sorry you are hurting so much. It is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Citronella]

Thank you littlewoman.
Singledadofthree, you are right I don't think the end of a relationship is ever down to just one thing but it takes one last trigger to bring the final curtain down.

[singledadofthree]

looking back i still remember how aweful it felt at times - most of the time. half of the battle was beleiving i would get over her, move on - the more you put into it the harder it is to accept that it will never work. once you realise that then it does just take something to bring the curtain down, doesnt even have to be all that serious, is like a release from yourself, from needing to make something work.