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Single parent acting like the Three year old!! Help!!

10 replies

goingbonkers · 13/02/2008 20:24

Hi - I'm looking for advice on keeping cool in a crisis! My 3yr Old daughter is driving me up the wall!

Usually these phases pass quite quickly but this latest one has been going on for weeks and all it takes is one of 'those whinging noises' to send me straight to boiling point. I'm not coping very well and find it hard to stay calm. Unfortunately I am now behaving just like she does!! I can sometimes get halfway through the day and keep a lid on it but it gets to a certain point where I can't take anymore and I explode into psycho mum.

Anyone got any advice?? She hits, bites and tells me she doesn't love me if she doesn't get her way. I'm not the sort that gives in to her demands, I've tried the naughty step, I've tried ignoring her. The ignoring the bad behaviour does seem to work but I just can't handle the screaming that you have to put up with. It's bearable for a few days but any longer and I resort to having a tantrum myself!!

This has had me stressed and in tears for several weeks now and I'm reaching breaking point. Please help - even if it's just to say you are going through the same.. Thanks

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madame · 13/02/2008 20:34

I do have days like you....DD 2 4months, it's just so hard. I think it sounds like you need a proper break. Could you go away for a night or 2 and let your partner have dd

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Janni · 13/02/2008 20:58

Hi - I've got a three year old DD. Third child, so have had a bit of trial and error. It's a hard age because they're acquiring a lot of language and independent thought and want to challenge you almost as a mental exercise. You are right that when you explode, all you are doing is showing her the next weapon to use against you. I had to laugh when my DD started saying 'that's just idiclus' (ridiculous) and 'HOW many times I have to tell you' etc etc

I don't really believe in ignoring. One I've found works for us is 'do you want a happy mummy or a cross mummy?' and to tell her how I am feeling. Keep instructions VERY simple and praise loads for any little thing she does right. Make sure routines are clear - good food at regular times, not too much sugar and additives, regular, calm bedtimes, plenty of outdoor exercise.

You definitely need regular breaks too.

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goingbonkers · 13/02/2008 20:58

That sounds like heaven but Ex not involved in her life. Parents are a great support but they both work fulltime so can't really have her for more than a night.

I really miss having adult company too and although I have friends round occasionally, none of them have kids and I can't talk to them about how I feel.

I tend to sit and feel miserable every evening and go to bed feeling depressed and emotionally drained.

On the positive side - we are going to center parcs in a few weeks, my LO and I with 2 other mums and their lo's. I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery but dreading her behaviour (and mine!!)

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givemehope · 13/02/2008 21:03

Has she started nursery yet (as she's 3)? Would give you a bit of a break. Do you have any family or friends that could help? (Hope these arn't obvious questions..) If nothing else - get out of the house (to the park or somewhere). It is SO relentless when you're on your own with them.
Sometimes find giving DS more attention helps when he's whingy- e.g sit down and do play-doh or drawing. Have also started taking myself for 'time-outs' - when he's being awful I tell him I'm leaving him to it until he says sorry, then leave the room. Kind of works (sometimes!)

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goingbonkers · 13/02/2008 21:07

Thanks Janni. Have tried the 'do you like mummy with a happy face or cross face' and it gets the right response for about a minute before she explodes into a screaming fit again!

Will def try more praise. It all sounds so obvious and although I know the psychology bit, it's so hard to put into practice when you've been in a bad mood for 3 weeks!!

Tomorrow is a new day...

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goingbonkers · 13/02/2008 21:11

Yes she is at playgroup and loves it.. but I look after my sisters kids twice a week, and she has my DD twice a week while we both work P/Time. I think this situation is part of the problem as we are hardly ever at home together, just the 2 of us anymore. I think she is jealous that her cousins get my attention too and she doesn't like me going to work. I feel really guilty but can't afford not to work.

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NumberSix · 14/02/2008 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goingbonkers · 15/02/2008 23:19

Thanks for the advice. She has always been quite feisty and very determined to achieve things by herself. She is incredibly independant for a 3YO.

I have to say I've totally become sane and rational again now! Think I'm starting to suffer with PMT again. Haven't had it since she was born but the last few months have been getting worse. Best go to GP before next month!!

Funnily enough she has started being my little sweetie again now. Think my bad mood was rubbing off on her so looks like it was all of my own doing.

Thanks to all who helped! And number6 - what you put is the way I normally deal with things - I just lost all perspective for a while. Your advice is spot on!! It's good to be back! Bloody hormones!

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NumberSix · 16/02/2008 08:34

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gillybean2 · 17/02/2008 11:23

Very difficult when you have to deal with the behaviour but are not top of your game. I would recommend a reward chart. Reward positive behaviour (lots and often) and show how disappointed you are at the naughty behaviour. Make it clear it is teh bahaviour you don't like, and that you still love her.

If you can't afford one of those pre done reward charts then pom poms, pennies or similar in a plastic jar that she can see and count, or stars/raffle tickets you can stick on a piece of paper and count. Give her some target, like 50 stars (giving lots of stars for good behaviour and kindness etc) and when she achieves it she gets a reward such as 20p or a toy, or a trip to the zoo.

She may also feel a litle neglected with you working abd the situation with her cousins. It is important to make one on one time every day and to sit down for half an hour or an hour when you can and give her your full attention. Reading a book, doing play dough, letting her do your hair and you doing hers. Let her know in advance. So tell her that at 4 o'clock you are going to spend 20 minutes playing [game/ dressing up/reading] together, and then make sure it happens. Explain that afterwards you will need to cook dinner so she can then watch tv or needs to play nicely by herself. Or you can get her to help you with preparing the dinner. It is really hard on your own, you have to do certain jobs and working can be tiring. It is easy to just want to put your feet up and relax. But your daughter wants and needs her mum. You are her favourite play thing, so make sure you find time to play with her too.

As with all things it's much easier to say what you should do then to actually do it when you have a raging toddler and not enough time.
Try and stay calm, and take yourself away from any situation when you feel your own temper rising.

Best of luck
Gilly

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