not sure whats going on, mind games or something else, advice needed

[TLV]

stb Xh had dd yesterday, he brought her back early so he could wash the car (he lives at his mums at the mo btw) anyway I wasn't overly happy about and did suggest he use a car wash or do it at his mums, various excuses made including using dd, so he stayed for a bit I made him a cuppa (i have to say I've been thru hell since he left and have really picked myself up and feel much better about myself ie more confident etc) to cut it short he started flirting with me and if I'm honest I suppose I did a little back mainly because I felt in control.

He then went on to offer a back rub after he saw me rubbing my neck (yes I know) he bathed dd and put her to bed, and the obvious happened we slept together. He is at relate this week alone, afterwards we both sat and said it shouldn't have happened, both questioned why it happened, when I asked him he said well if you aren't with anyone and me neither why shouldn't we f**k I asked if that was his reason and he said no but he was trying to think of something. I asked if he was going to mention it to the counsellor he said yes and then went on to say shall I ring you and let you know what happens and if she says something startling, we have agreed to go to the next session together, a member of my family had words not long ago about the fact that he has slept with me since leaving and how its sending out mixed messages, he agreed said it shouldn't have happened, we were both sober so he can't use that as an excuse (like last time) so I'm confused now, not upset like before but if he knows its wrong why the hell does he do it, we were at each others throats not so long ago

posted on relationships too btw

[colditz]

Sounds like he is trying to keep his options open, maybe going to Relate has given him the idea that he wants to be back with you but to be fair TLV, you could just say no if you don't want to boff him.

You should both go together. Strangely, it's much easier to talk to each other with someone else in the room telling you to!

[TLV]

I know I should have could have said no and afterwards I could have kicked myself, but at the end of the day he is still sending out mixed messages and he should know this

[colditz]

Maybe he is sending mixed messages because he doesn't know what he wants?

[mummyfantastico]

Did you have sex with him cos you want him back?

[TLV]

not sure really, think it may have gone past that but up until a few weeks back he knew that I wanted us to try again

[Surfermum]

You are also giving him mixed messages.

[skyatnight]

It may be mixed messages TLV but also(warning: sexist generalisation...) I think men just want sex and don't always think about the emotional context of it, at the time it is happening. So, if he is going to Relate, I expect he does have mixed feelings and there may be a future for your relationship, but, his wanting to sleep with you, taken on its own, is not a reliable indicator of anything. I don't think he was necessarily leading you on either. It may only have been afterwards that he thought: 'oh, perhaps we shouldn't have done that, perhaps it wasn't fair.'

I've been there myself, when a relationship was hanging in the balance, and if you want the relationship to continue, you feel that it is probably right to keep the sexual bond going (and you probably want to) and you don't want to be the one doing the rejecting in any way, but it is important to protect your feelings too. As you say, the counsellor would advise that you don't sleep together at this time. I'm not saying it is the case here but, sadly, sometimes, sex is the last thing to go in a relationship and that can make you feel used when it is finally all over.

[TLV]

wise words, but it happens every few weeks and each time he admits he knows its wrong and thats not just to me or himself, like i said he admitted it to my sister, have to say I do disagree (sorry ) that sleeping with me is leading me on when he knew full well i wanted to make a go of things, to me if its over cut your ties and leave it at that

[skyatnight]

If it has happened a few times AND he has said that he feels like he is leading you on by sleeping with you, then he is obviously aware that it is not right. BUT he is also aware that you know about this so feels that you are complicit and he need not feel guilty.

I think you should take his words at face value: 'well if you aren't with anyone and me neither why shouldn't we f**k.' A bit crudely worded but that is how he sees it, a convenient arrangement for sex while you sort out whether you are going to be together or not and while neither of you have anyone else.

As Surfermum says, you are both responsible. Neither of you is leading the other on because you both know the score. So, either abstain from sleeping with him (if it makes you feel vulnerable or used) OR do it because you want to but knowing full well that that is all it is: sex, and not an indication that you are still together or will be.

At least he appears to be thinking about the repercussions of his actions (?) That's more than some men do. And, if he didn't care at all, he wouldn't be going to Relate. Best wishes.