Anyone else feel sorry for their ex?

[Tippychick]

Not just because the stink weasels are losers and are missing out on their children's lives but because they are sad? My ex left because I asked him to - we were arguing like mad things and our relationship had broken down past any hope of getting in back on track in my opinion. Frankly I just don't love him anymore but it's not all me - this was a long time coming because of his actions ( won't bore you with the details)

Anyway, long story short, he now lives-in at his job, only sees my baby once a fortnight or so ( his call, not mine) and is just really mournful and sad whenever I speak with him. He'd like to get back together and I feel guilty that I don't want to. It's making me feel that it's me that's broken up our family, even though the reasons I can't be happy with him are his fault. Plus I feel guilty that I'm getting on with my life and taking positive steps, that don't include him, to improve my and my baby's life.

Why do I feel so guilty and sad for him?

[vitomum]

you feel guilty and sad because you are a nice person, and as women we are pre-programmed to take responsibility for other peoples' feelings. He sounds like he is trying to manipulate you to get his partner/mum back, cos now his life is shit and it would be easier to get you back to sort it out rather than take responsibility for it himself. PLease ditch the guilt, it can be a very destrictive emotion to feel. You are perfectly entitled to move on with you life.

[lostdad]

I feel very sorry for my ex, despite what has happened (i.e. her leaving without warning, making false accusations against both me and my family, refusing any meaingful contact between our son and me, refusing mediation, refusing to talk, refusing to take part of handovers for our son.

I have the handovers at a contact centre, done by her mother because she is too scared' of me to even face me (and has been since she left a year ago). I glimpse her, her mum pushing our son in his pushchair and her following - more like his big sister than his mum. She lives with her parents and seems to have given up on any responsibility and progress in her life.<br /> <br /> I feel sorry for her because she seems frozen'. I'm a cartoon figure to her probably - the source of all badness in her life and she is nothing but a helpless victim who has no power whatsoever.

It's no way to live and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even her - despite the fact that it is self-inflicted.

[Tippychick]

Poor you lostdad, that sounds messy

Thanks for the happy thoughts vitomum, I know logically I shouldn't feel bad butI do. You are spot on btw, I think he wants me to sort his life out and fix things for him. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him i wonder if it would be so bad to have him back............... but then I cop on to myself!

[lottymadbird]

you feel guilty and sad because he wants you to feel like that.

i used to feel sorry for my exP that he was missing out on seeing his beautiful son but then after he told me he could not afford to give me any money for DS and then booked himself on a luxury holiday and bought himself two houses in france I finally wised up. and when he said his own life and happiness took priority over our DS I could quite happily have lamped him one. so even now when he turns on the tears i dont give a stuff.

Remember you havent put him in this situation, it takes two to make things go wrong.

[PurpleOne]

My ex pays me £16 a week, he lied to CSA.

He's been to the Maldives twice.

I do not feel sad. In fact, I will laugh at him when karma bites him on the arse!

[Tippychick]

Yes purpleone, I'm aware that most people on this board have horrible XPs who need to have karma bite them on the bum. My OP was because, despite being a shit during our relationship, my XP is not an evil person really and I was trying to analyse a bit why I am the one feeling guilty when he is upset at the mess he has landed himself in.