Not handled this very well!

[wirral]

8 year old daughter wouldn't go to school today. Nothing wrong with her. Said she felt sick but no visible signs. I phoned ex to tell him he said she could stay the day with him.

I work fulltime so had no option other than to drop her off at his. His house has the puppy dog, nintendo wii, friends living next door etc. I told her that if she stayed off school today she would not be going to party on Sat night.

Have just asked ex if daughter could phone me. He said that I should phone her. When I did she gleefully informs me that she's staying at Daddy's but will be back tomorrow to go to the party. I told her that she could stay at her Dad's the whole weekend.

Talk about cutting off nose to spite face. Am now sitting here crying. How do I get her to go to school. How do I get her to stop seeing her Dad's as the FUN option? I just feel that I am failing at everything. I am a crap Mum and a rubbish employee

[mogs0]

I have no useful advice sorry but I am pretty sure (just by the fact that you're worried about it enough to post here) you are NOT a crap mum!! Don't know why you'd be a crap employee but sure you're not that bad at your job!! Seeing as your dd is at her Dad's all weekend could you arrange to go out with some friends and have some fun yourself? Might cheer you up?!

[skyatnight]

Wirral, please don't feel bad. You are not the one in the wrong here. Both your dd and your ex need to treat you with more respect. Be firm with them. Particularly your ex - he is an adult (?!)

If your relationship with him is good enough, ask him to back you up re. discipline issues with your dd. As it is, it sounds as if she is able to play you and him off against each other? As the parent with residence, your word should be law. If she was due home this evening, she should have come home.

It is easy to give advice but difficult to do the right thing when faced with an intransigent child and time running out to get to work. But I think you have to get a bit more strict with her.

As for seeing her Dad's as the fun option, I suppose that's natural but, again, he should be backing you up. It's hard to be the disciplinarian but he's not doing her any favours being so lax and she will realise this in the long term and have more respect for you.

You are not a bad employee or a bad mother - just sometimes torn between the two roles, which goes for all of us.

(mini-rant! )

[wirral]

Thanks. A day further on and I think I feel a bit better. It is just so difficult to try to do everything. Daughter is home tonight 6.30pm. We are supposed to go out to party but I think we should stay in as she was off school yesterday.

There are bigger issues here. I find it so hard when daughter goes to her Dad's. I feel that he split us up and now is reaping the benefits. He is fun parent and I'm homework, get to school, do the housework, learn your spellings, read your book parent. I feel she's let me down by not going to school. I don't know how I can get that through to her.

As a small point I think he's really horrible to insist that I phone daughter and not try to get her to phone me. I try to insist daughter phones him when he's not here.

It is so difficult working fulltime and keeping on top of everything. In fact I don't think that I do keep on top of things

[fordfiesta]

I struggle with that 'dad being the fun parent' thing to. I am glad that ds (still only young) has a wonderful time with his dad and is lucky compared to some kids who rarely see their non-resident parent, but it really does bother me that 'dads' idea of a day trip out is toys r us and the promise oflots of exciting toys next time he visits!!!
I have to try and imagine what i would be like if the tables were turned and ds was only with me alt w/e and to be honest i would probably be the same.
It's not easy is it, and if one more person tells me that he will see who had his best interests at heart when he's older i will scream!!!!! When I was a kid i would have seen the person who gave me sweets/computor games and take aways as the best option!
Hhhmph, am being crabby today because ds is with his dad.

[wirral]

That's it exactly. People do tell me that daughter will thank me for it one day. I'd like that confirmed!

At the end of the day Dad left home and split us up. His way of salving his conscience is to throw expensive items at daughter. I could also do this but don't think it's the right thing to do.

On the plus side I do know that, at the moment, she also wants to come home from his. I suppose that I just worry that she will , when older, just vote with her feet at go to fun Dad.

Oh am feeling very sorry for myself! Shall go and spend some money.

[sophiewd]

You told her taht no school=no party. Don't back down on that because whe will continue to try it on with you and you must be consistent.

[neva]

Hi Wirral
I know how you feel. I would try to focus less on what she is doing at his place, and more on making sure she has fun with you. Could just be a day visiting family, playing football in the park, inviting friends for tea. Those things are more important than a computer game! Working full time is tough - could you reduce your hours?

[Tinkerbel6]

wirral she is playing the both of you off against each other, even if she dont feel well still take her to school and if she is that bad the school will send her home, I feel you need to talk to your ex is you are feeling the bad cop next to his good cop.

[wirral]

Ok. Now I admit in theory I should take her into school The practicalities are impossible though. How do you put clothes on a child that won't cooperate?

No party?? Well that's a difficult one. If I don't go I let a lot of people down who are depending on me for lifts and company etc.

If we stay in, I would probably get a dvd etc and she would like doing that as well.

I'm not sure ex would help although I could try it. At the end of the day he will only let ME phone her not vice versa. He's happy to have her and she knows it.

I could reduce my hours but that would cut my pay and also probably see me transferred to a more desk bound etc job. That means less holidays and good times etc. I would and do consider it but can't decide what's the best. I do like my job. I do spend time with daughter and I am really careful that she does get to go swimming with friends and have them round for tea etc and that is the problem. It doesn't leave me much ME time. And Yes I should get that when she's at her Dad's but then there's the cleaning etc and I miss her so much.

Thanks all. Plenty to think about

[wirral]

Ok and now to make matters worse, daughter has returned home saying that yesterday whilst she was sick from school her Dad took her shopping to buy new glasses for himself!

Fan bloody tastic

[fordfiesta]

.... O god have I all this to come????

[wirral]

Ah - hopefully NO. I think that it's best not to sweat the small stuff. Now just need to take my own advice.

MEMO to self , when daughter pretending to be sick take her to school in her PJs if nec and DO NOT send her to Ex's house for day

[fordfiesta]