how do i deal with xh?

[mummyfantastico]

Xh and I have been seperated for about 4 months, he had been seeing someone else for a few months before he left.
Before xmas he saw our dds a handful of times, which was his choice.
He has now seen them twice since christmas (including today) and has asked to have them for the next 2 sundays, which I agreed to.
But today he told dd1 who is 10 to ask if they can stay overnight next saturday as well.
I'm annoyed because we already had plans for the saturday night, going to stay at my sisters house, dd1 doesn't want to have to choose between them, and i don't want to let anybody down.
I think xh should have spoken to me first, especially as before xmas when i asked if he could start seeing them regularly for their sakes, i also suggested that it wasn't fair to the girls to have to sleep over with a stranger there, especially as dd2 has been waking most nights to come in my bed. He agreed at the time.
He also doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with them, today during the 7 hours he had them they watched 2 films, some programmes on sky, and he went on line to look for a new car while they played upstairs.
The other problem I have with dds sleeping over is that today is the first time he's had them and not taken them to mcdonalds, and in the 2 meals he gave them, they only got 2 portions of fruit/ veg. I don't mind the odd treat, but on the whole the dds have a healthy diet which they enjoy, and i don't want them to start getting a regular 2 days of crap diet, as it's not good for them.
Any advice would be welcomed.

[jooseyfruit]

After two and a half years of seething, hating and worrying, i would heartily recommend good communication with xh.
It's on your terms.
Set out exactly what you want/expect.

i wish i had.

[mummyfantastico]

So do you think tell him that they need a healthy diet etc, and that it's not fair to use dd as a go between?

[mummyfantastico]

Have you sorted it out now jooseyfruit?

[jooseyfruit]

If you can, yes.
Like i say, i wish i had, but things with my xdp and me deteriorated so badly we could barely growl at each other, let alone sort out what was best for our dc's.
which is a sad and ridiculous place to get to.

I'm probably not the best person to take advice from!!! but if i had to do it all again and was in your situation, i think good comms is what i'd strive for.

[mummyfantastico]

I have tried to speak to him before, but he's been really nasty to me on many occasions, even though it was him that is in the wrong. Think it might be a guilt thing.
Oh well, for my dds sakes I will try once again!

[Anna8888]

You must sit down with your exH and work out together a timetable for him seeing your DDs, and he must keep to this. You need to know several months in advance what this timetable is, in order to plan your life, and you must not deviate from it (either of you) unless there are totally exceptional circumstances (eg family wedding).

You must also remind him firmly that he must take good and proper care of the DDs, including going to bed on time, eating three balanced meals etc.

[Tommy]

it's hard though isn't to talk about stuff sometimes isn't it - even if it is your xH and talking about your children.

why don't you write him a letter - you may not even give t to him but at least you'll know what you want to say. You could give it to him and say "I don't want to get in a row about this so I've written down how I feel about it all and I'd like you to read it."
That way you'll both know what you think at least and he won't say he misunderstood you

[mummyfantastico]

The letter is a good idea.
At one point xh said when he sees me he just wants to hit me, and that was after I just said "can I talk to you about something?"

[Tommy]

ah....

letter might be the way to go then. Also, you can think about what you want to write and it won't all come out in a muddle. If you put your worries down clearly it may make him realise that you are not just doing it to annoy him.

can't hurt to give it a try anyway

[mummyfantastico]

Thanks Tommy. I've been working myself up in to a state about actually calling him cos I know he'll use it as an opportunity to tell me what a crap wife i was, how selfish i am, that i am only thinking of myself etc etc.