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Men trouble,advice needed :-)

50 replies

tetti · 27/01/2008 21:13

Ok,I wrote a topic before (can casual ever become serious).
Basically,I've been seeing a guy 8 years my junior on a very casual basis for the last 3 months.I know he obviously does like me,but it'll never turn into anything serious.
In the beginning I thought I was falling for him,and probably could have,had we spent more time together.Lately though I have realised that it's never going to lead anywhere.I never know when I'll see him next,and he has said(when I asked him where this is going basically) that I like to see him more than he'd like,he's happy seeing me every 10 days or so,and we don't have any phone contact in between,just the odd txt's,so it's very clear he doesn't want a relationship..(he's just a pup,isn't he?)

My mates said I should enjoy it for what it is,he is a drop dead gorgeous creature,and when we meet we do have fun!But,the same friends also told me that I should keep my options open.

So...just for the fun of it one night I joined a dating site,just out of curiosity,nothing else.
I didn't even put my photo on my profile as I wasn't looking for anything.
But,now I have been in contact for a while with this guy on there,just by messaging.
We haven't exchanged numbers or anything like that,he hasn't asked me any awkward questions,but he sounds really sound.
He is my age,really quite striking looking,but,it seems like talking to a friend.He told me about himself,his job,upbringing etc,and does seem quite genuine,and,we do seem to have a lot in common.

So,he asked that in a few months time or so,if we get to know eachother better first,if then maybe he could take me for a meal,just as mates,strictly no expectations?(as he likes the sound of me,and,I did send him a photo of me via the site,so he does know what I look like:-)

I have never met anyone through the internet before,and nor has he,he went on the site for the same reason,just out of curiosity and nothing else,and hi didn't expect to meet any genuine people there as he though (like me) that it might just be full of nutters!lol

So,would you go for it?
(It's like my mates said,I don't owe the guy I see casually anything,as we are not commited,and we never will be,it's just fun.But this other guy just seem to be more on my level.)

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singledadofthree · 27/01/2008 22:09

you use far too many words.
dump the casual thing - he'll never take you seriously as youve already made your bed as it were.
and maybe keep it going with other fella - and if you meet, make it public, tell people where youre meeting, tell someone who he is. oh, and have a mate phone you just after you meet incase you want to do a runner

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tetti · 27/01/2008 22:34

No,I wouldn't agree with the statement of him not taking me seriously,we knew eachother for ages before,so that's not the case,There are situations where you both know you are incompatible as you are at totally different stages in life,but you still meet up because you want to,simple as that...I wouldn't say I use far too many words either,come on,how else are you going to explain a situation? Us women are different to you men,lol

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ZippiBabes · 27/01/2008 22:37

why wait a few months to see the internet guy

ypou do waffle a bit lol

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PillockOfTheCommunity · 27/01/2008 22:38

nope, I'd agree, too many words!

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singledadofthree · 27/01/2008 22:51

far too many words.

a bloke would point, grunt, scratch arse, shrug and nod. there problem solved

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lou33 · 27/01/2008 22:54

oh just go see him, it's worth a punt

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lou33 · 27/01/2008 22:55

yes why wait months?

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tetti · 27/01/2008 22:59

Hmmm,true,and sorry for using so may words(am a writer so it's an occupational hazard!lol)
Yes,might well do,like my mate said-Be a diva now,you have the fun(and I bet you all,when I do start seeing someone else,my young pup will come running as soon as he finds out,because,you always want what you can't get!lol)

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PillockOfTheCommunity · 27/01/2008 22:59

I used to think I had quite a blokey mind, but I'm not that bad

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lou33 · 27/01/2008 23:05

is that why you want to see others? so he gets jealous and comes after you?

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ZippiBabes · 27/01/2008 23:08

what are you actually looking for tetti

i thought you didnt want that other guy to become serious

and then it seemed like you did

and then you were going to walk away

and then you are going to flaunt this new guy..should it come to anything at all..in front of him

you sound a bit confused

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tetti · 28/01/2008 00:27

No,I'm not confused,and no,I'm not talking about flaunting some guy in front of him,lol.Oh my god,you got the wrong end of the stick there.I don't play people like that.My point is,and let me clarify this once and for all so that everyone gets it,ok...
I am perfectly happy with seeing this guy for fun,and that is all there's to it,I just thought it'd be quite ironic if he came running once I eventually get involved with someone seriously,when he knows he can't have me.I'd never dream of using another man as a pawn,that is beyond low,so no,that theory is totally wrong.

Basically,we know we are using eachother for fun as we fancy the pants of eachother,but,one day I will want more than just fun,and I also know when that day comes,he's not the one who will be able to give me that(ie,commitment)as he's just not that kind of guy.So when that day comes,I'll just have to let him go,simple as that.And if he came running then,it's only because he'd miss getting his leg over with me,not because he loves me,matter cleared up?!

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lou33 · 28/01/2008 00:35

some people are best left as booty calls, i do agree

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tetti · 28/01/2008 09:32

Yep,I'm sooo glad that someone can see my point:-)lou33,but I know from your previous replies that you are very sound and a very wise woman:-),you know what it's all about.x

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lou33 · 28/01/2008 10:06

hmmm i wouldnt go that far, i could probably find loads who would disagree lol

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Tinkerbel6 · 28/01/2008 10:15

tetti go for it with internet guy, he might give you the boost of confidence you need to kick the play to the kerb, if you turn out to really like this guy then dont date the both of them, I think you should get rid of the playa anyway.

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lou33 · 28/01/2008 10:19

if tetti can genuinely keep it fun with the first guy, which is a hard thing to do for many, then she will be fine

of course, once she has said to guy number 1 she only wants him for some no strings fun, he will probably start upping his game because his ego couldnt possibly let him believe any woman was able to resist falling for him

that means he will give an extra load of flannel to make her believe he "loves" her, but it's all crap

as long as tetti remembers that and can handle a fuck buddy then she will be ok

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tetti · 28/01/2008 10:25

You might very well be right tinkerbel6.Last night I searched for something on the internet and happened to come across the toyboys website,jesus!!!
Knew he was involved in music,but you know the kind of girl a rapper attracts?Yes,saw the messages he'd recieved and the pic's of the girl who sent them.Can't deal with all that,I was involved with a musician years ago,and they are bad news(well,most of them anyway).They attract women like flies and get it all handed to them on a plate,Read an interview with that old ex recently and he boasted-I've never been faithful to one woman in my life(oh,what an achievement!!!)
Nah,I'm not going through all that again...

So,I think I'll keep the conversation going with the internet guy.He does come across as a pretty genuine guy,and seems to have the qualities that I look for in a guy.I'll just take it very slowly,and if I meet him and like him..Well,then the player has to go and have a play somewhere else!!!!

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tetti · 28/01/2008 10:33

Yes Lou33,I am pretty sure the "toy boy" would up his game and come out with all sorts of rubbish.But I have def come to realise it'll only ever be just sex and nothing else between us.
Last time I saw him was the first time I just went with the flow,I didn't pine for him after he left or anything(like I used to),I just thought to myself"Right,that was fun",and that was it!
I wasted so much time before wishing for him to suddenly change and wanting for him to commit,but then one day I just woke up with a bang,and realised that it would never happen.
I'll enjoy it for what it is,but I know that eventually it'll be me who'll have to let him go,not the other way round.
He came into my life when I was low and made me feel great and very confident about myself again,so it's not all bad.

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lou33 · 28/01/2008 10:42

yes there is always good to come out of something like this i think

the guy i was seeing, there hasnt been many days where he has not been in touch, wanting to see me

Until thurs last week i had refused him , but then said he could come over, because i needed him to watch my sick kids and wait for an electrician to call (my power blew on weds night), while i took my oldest for a work shadowing interview. It suited my needs for him to come over. So he took the day off work, did what i asked, then spent the rest of the day having to listen to me giving him utter shit about his behaviour, whilst buying me lunch and a beer, as well as taking me for a drink in the evening. I let him stay over but told him i didnt want him back, it was just a temporary recall that suited me that day. He left the next morning with no definite plans to see him again. Works for me, but then i can easily separate sex and love.

And seeing him again has given me back control which is always a good thing

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tetti · 28/01/2008 10:55

Agree with you there:-)
You know well I thought I was falling for this guy big time before,but now I think it was just infatuation.You can't really fall head over heels until you know someone,and we hardly spent all our evenings talking or going out on dates,lol.
Yes,I'll probably always have a little bit of a soft spot for him,but I won't let that get in the way of me living my life.And when I do meet someone I want to get involved with,I think that letting him,the toyboy, go won't be as hard as it seems like right now...
I know he ain't right for me at the end of the day.But as long as I'm not seeing anyone else,he can keep me company,lol

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lou33 · 28/01/2008 11:10

i still dont understand why he stayed tho, i mean if i was being given the amount of shit i was giving him, i would have just got up and went

he must like getting grief

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tetti · 28/01/2008 11:25

Lol,maybe he likes all that"Treat em mean,keep em keen"

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lou33 · 28/01/2008 12:20

well he certainly got that lol

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tetti · 29/01/2008 18:07

What I'm thinking is,I don't really "owe" the toyboy anything,do I?(as we aren't exclusive)
I dk if I should just have a chat with him and say something along the lines of-You told me you didn't want a relationship or anything serious,so,how would you feel if I were to meet someone else?

I did tell him a short while ago that I didn't know what he wants or expects from me,and that I was quite confused about that(as he's given me mixed signals).I also said that he's aware of the fact that I do have some feelings for him,but that it feels a bit one sided.I also added that if he doesn't want to see me again,or just be mates that's cool,I can take it.
He said that it's just that I want to see him more than he'd like,that we have a laugh,fun and all,but it's more than he wants.He refused to say that he didn't want to see me again or just have me as a mate.
When he said that I kind of "woke up" and thought,I should just treat this as fun as he's not willing to take this onto another level.

It also made me think that I do want more from a man,but that I'm kind of unlikely to get it from him.
So, maybe it's just better for me to find someone that I'm a bit more compatible with(and that guy I'm chatting to seem to tick many of those boxes,and I have been pleasantly surprised so far,he def seems to have the maturity I'd want in someone)

Sorry to be waffling on(know I'm good at that:-),but,what do you think I should do?A bit confused here as I've never had a casual relationship b4,so I just dk if I owe him any explanations? I don't want to mess anyone about...

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