xp's a bleeping bleep

[GreedyGecko]

I'm so bloody angry. It was agreed in court last week that he would have them fri & sat nights, but I get a text from hm today (20 mins befor I'm due to drop them with him) with some crap about scaffolding & its too dangerous for the boys. WTF? Well I was kind of hoping that they'd be inside his flat not climbing over scaffolding.

OK fine, he wants to screw me over i know that, but why is he so bloody pathetic that he has to let his children down to do it?

I really hate him today. He's had me in tears most of the day because of his attitude.

I could g on for ever abut the stunts he's been pulling [angry

[jellibabe]

Gosh so sorry Gecko. Mines good at pressing my buttons as well. In fact I think he gets some sort of sick enjoyment out of it. Trying not to rise to the bait although I find it bloody hard.

Know though that if I let him upset me it screws my life and job up and he wins. Hope I reach a place eventually where I can let it not affect me.

Still putting this theory into practice tho.

At the end of the day Gecko he's trying to get at you don't let him know he did. Let him know how much he hurt his kids tho.

[GreedyGecko]

Also affecting me at work. I was in today, turned up really angry. There's no way I'd let him see how angry he makes me though, becuase as you say he'll see it as some kind of victory. He'd be so pleased with himself, seeing it as me struggling being a single parent difficult when actually I'm finding it a heck of a lot easier than when I was with him. I'm so much happier without him, just wish I didn't have to deal with him.

[neva]

Hi Gecko

He should be sticking to the timetable. I would suggest keeping a diary, noting down details of any cancellations, lateness. Positive thinking helps. If he cancels, you get to enjoy extra time with your boys, so try to have fun with them, to help them forget the disappointment.

[GreedyGecko]

OK will do that.

The other thing i'm absolutely fuming about is that all he does with them is take them to the pub. TBH, not sure why I put the shocked face, it doesn't urprise me at all. Last weekend was the 1st time he's had them, and he was at the pub with them sunday pm. The boys came home today, and I found out from ds1 that they went to bed at 9.30 last night, which is the time they got in from the pub! When I found that out I was just a crumpled heap virtually screaming. The boys, bless them (6 & 2), came over and gave me cuddles and were comforting me. Of course, the boys see it as an adventure, a treat, but I'm so angry, and I know that's what every weekends going to be like for them.

My legal aid has run out now, so I can't get advice from the solicitor about this, and get some kind of order that he doesn't go near a licensed premises witht hem. (if anything like that even exists of course).

[jellibabe]

Gecko you may have run out of legal aid but there are still other avenues of advice such as the Citzen's Advice Beureau how offer you free advice. Women's Aid is also another option - you don't have to be beaten into a pulp to approach them. They may be able to put you in touch with a solicitor who can offer you free legal advice and at worst they can offer you emotional support.

Hope this helps.

[1066andallthat]

One of my best memories with my Dad (when I was really little) was going to the betting shop and pub with him - my Mum freaked; rightly so (I remember that, too) - but, I wasn't actually harmed by it.

The major difference is my Dad was a merchant sailor and never home and only ever took me once - he didn't do kids per se .

If what you are seeing is a pattern, then, yes, you are going to need help to get contact changed. Would smaller chunks - an evening here and a morning, there avoid this or create even more problems?

Don't forget - it isn't that bad because the boys have got you.

[GreedyGecko]

Unfortunately, yes, I do see that this will be the shape of things to come. Probably the biggest reason for us breaking up (he would say it was my infidelity, so lets say the bigest reason for me cheating on him) was that he put his mates & the pub before his family constantly.

I pulled him up on it so many times, nad he either didn;t see there was a problem, or quite literally didn't care. One response he gave me was "I work all week, so at the weekend I want to see my mates". Of course at this I packed my bags, but he did (when he sobered up) say that he would spend more time with us, and stop putting his mates 1st, that probably lasted one weekend.

Since the break up he had them about twice while we were on (semi) talking terms. The 1st time he caled and said "my friends come down, so I'm going out with him". This was 20 mins befre he was due to come and pick up the boys. Then he wondered why I was so angry. The 2nd was a day I was in work. I found out the following day that they had been in th 'red pub' (from 12-2.30), walked down to the 'green pub' (via mcdonalds), and stayed there to watch the football. By the time that finished it was virtually their bedtime.

Now, this weekedn he does this, and I've just got a text off him (waking me up, that's why i'm back on here having a rant, because I definately can'tget back to sleep for a bit) saying "sorry can't do tomorrow staying out at a friends". Well it's not me he needs to be apologising to, it's his little boys. Again putting his friends first.

I think you're right 1066, that smaller chunks would be better. Probably wouldn't give him as much ofan opportunity to take them out drinking with him, but yes, probably would cause so many problems.

My solicitor has referred me for mediation, but feels it unlikely that they would be prepared to take me on as I have an injunction against xp. I will give them a call on Monday though, and see if they can help. I've also got contacts at DV unit and Early InterventionProject. It's just finding their details that may be a problem (moving house, so everything being packed).

[neva]

Gecko, try ringing Rights of Women for free advice(type into google for their details). Very hard getting through but worth persisting. I empathise on the pub issue; I have this too. Even after the smoking ban, in my opinion pubs are not healthy places for children to spend lots of time on a regular basis - alcohol, bad language, adult topics of conversation, no play facilities etc.

[1066andallthat]

Morning Gecko -

what an idiot - him, obviously !

Things usually do get worse before they get better - I am at this stage, too and live in hope of a more cooperative future. Please, no one disillusion me .

So, it falls to you to protect your boys first and yourself and work second. Yes, mediation over access sounds like a brilliant idea. If you can't be in the same place, is it possible that you could do separate sessions and the mediator could feedback to you both individually. Sadly, it seems very likely he'll simply let you down when he feels like. Can the contact agreement be far more specific? Does he have somewhere to take them? I wouldn't be telling the boys that they were seeing him. I can't bear to imagine their hurt. Would he listen to a list of suitable outings - park, swimming pool, farm, football (actually playing it)? Does he have any friends who are decent Dads?

Are you OK?

[Tinkerbel6]

GG why dont you change the access to every other weekend, that way he gets to see his mates and you get to quality time with the children at a weekend also, it sounds like he begrudges having the children every weekend, was this the arrangement he asked for ?

[GreedyGecko]

Well, he did have them today, only after I refused to answer his calls, he gave in and said he would have them, but unsurprisingly they spent the day in the red pub, then the green pub and by all accounts haven't had a proper dinner.

This arrangement was specifically requested by him. I was surprised at the time that he was prepared to give up time with his mates, and to me he's just proving that he can't do that.

I will see if mediation will do seperate sessions for us, and find out what I can do about stipulating no pubs. I don't mind if h's taking them out fo r the day then havingdinner in a nice, proper family pub, then leaving after having eaten, but just to sit in the pub all day )and night), it's just not a suitble place for young children and the boys must be bored stiff.

I have noted it all down in a notebook so I have something to refer to. It's not that I want to stop him seeing th eboys. That's the last thing I want, I just want him to stop lettng them down, and actually do something with them. He doesn;t even have t go out. They'd be happy just staying in playing games.

[shelleylou]

Hey Gecko,
ive been having trouble with my ds dad n did a bit of research last night it seams that ur ex shudnt be doing anything with ur children that u would disagree with, whether it be taking them to a pub or gettin their hair cut he should inform u and take on ur opinion. Im now takin effect on this and tellin my xp that hes not taking my 14month old to a working mens club till 12am and going solicitor to help impliment this.
Hope this info helps. Good luck
xx

[GreedyGecko]

thanks shelley. will look further into it

[colditz]

next time he rings up to cancel, sound as pleased and smug as you possibly can. You need to sound quietly thrilled that he has done exactly what you wanted.

he'll stop it.

I personally would change access to every other W/E or you are going to get no 'good' time with them - and if he is spedning every weekend in the pub that uis all they will see.