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Contact Orders, anyone refused access till ex has applied for one?

7 replies

Paddlechick666 · 26/01/2008 13:24

Okay, this might be slightly controversial and would be a total last resort having been thru some awful crap since being 6.5m pg so be gentle with me!

H had mental breakdown when I was 6.5m pg and has been a very erratic presence since.

dd now 2.3 and last year he saw her about 8 times apart from a week in march when he helped out as i had to study.

since then contact has been virtually non-existant and very very erratic. he will not discuss regular contact and agree regular times etc. he goes months without seeing dd then comes for a day (supervised contact always) and promises to be more "present" etc then doesn't come again for weeks on end.

dd adores him - no surprise there then!

i am seeing a divorce sol soon and i am seriously considering refusing access until he applies for a contact order.

i feel he will only take it seriously if he has to put some effort into it and if he does that then i can take some assurance that he will stick to what the court orders.

has anyone done this before?

i have no other grounds for refusing access. he is not a danger to me or dd and when he's here he's great with her. i wouldn't want unsupervised access tho as his mental issues have involved several periods where he has gone totally missing etc.

i just want regular, agreed access and i feel if he has to actually go to court to apply for it he will take it seriously.

if he doesn't and he never sees her again then at least she won't grow up waiting by the door for daddy to not show.

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Tinkerbel6 · 27/01/2008 14:42

Maybe see your solicitor and get access put in writing, if he dont turn up then he forgoes seeing her until the next time, children need stability and her not knowing if and when her dad is going to show up will make her anxious and clingy, you do what you feel is best for your daughter

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TLV · 28/01/2008 12:38

well i refused dh access to dh yesterday (bear in mind tho that he saw her for most of last week, circumstances so won't go into them) and it created hell and in the end it was me who suffered and then dd. My circumstance may be different to yours given that I don't want the marriage to end and I thought perhaps by getting him to sort access out legally may get him to see the severity of the situation and moreso the reality of it.

I agree children need stability and your dd needs her routine

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Paddlechick666 · 28/01/2008 13:08

TLV, my problem is getting H to actually see dd regularly and routinely. he flits in and out as he pleases.

I too didn't want the marriage to end but I am not intending to withold access in the hope that he will "come to his senses".

I want him to put some effort into making arrangements for dd in the hope that it will be sufficient for him to stick to what's agreed.

I thought I would be slated by friends and MN and solicitor but actually the response I've had has been really good. In fact one friend thinks it would be better for me if the result is that H agrees to regular and routine access as then I will know when he's coming and be able to rely on his coming. Rather than his going awol/silent then popping up when he feels like it and me agreeing to his requests.

I found out today that as part of the divorce proceedings you must make a statement of arrangements details ALL aspects of the child's care, visitation with non-resident parent, schooling etc etc.

As long as this is agreed it is sufficient for a straightforward divorce petition.

In addition there is a contact order which either I or H could apply for which is agreed in court and details visitation and access etc.

My solicitor said that owing to H's erratic behaviour I am perfectly within the realms of reasonableness to refuse him access until he gets a contact order. I can back this up with evidence of his erratic behaviour and that it is (an ongoing will be) detrimental to my dd not to have a routine etc.

in all honesty, if you can agree contact outside of court and amicably this is much much the better option.

you must try to separate the child from the divorce.

at least your dc's father wants to see them!

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chipkid · 28/01/2008 13:32

You are quite within your rights to get your solicitor to write to him and explain that unless he makes some regular proposals for contact, he cannot just turn up as and when. Nobody will critisise you for this.

You don't have to wait for a contact order-just get him to commit to writing what his proposals are-until he does so-you can say no to contact.

Once he commits these proposals to writing-if you agree with them make sure that he receices a letter telling him that he must abide by them and if he does not do so (without reasonable excuse for the odd missed visit) you will terminate contact.

Please keep a record of the contact that he has missed-this makes it so much easier for your solicitor and you should this matter end up in Court.

In the statement of arrangements for the divorce proceedings-you can say that contact has been erratic and that you are attempting to put a regular arrangement for supervised contact in place.

hope this helps

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TLV · 28/01/2008 13:45

having re-read your post i apologise, I think if my dh behaved the way your has then I would definitely do it your way

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Paddlechick666 · 28/01/2008 14:23

TLV, no need to apolgise at all.

I've read your thread and I know you're going thru hell. I'm 2.5yrs into this mess and probably come across as being quite cold and calculated about it all.

that's a form of defense tho. i am devestated that this marriage will end and there was never any need for it to do so but i am sure i have done all i can and what i do now is for mine and dd's best interests.

it's normal to want to make them feel the same pain that you feel and the temptation is to do that thru any means, including thru the children.

it's the worst ever thing you can do tho. part of my H's breakdown was due to his ex playing silly buggers with access to his older kids. hers was alwasy "turn up with cash adn you can take them" etc.

i have bent over backwards and swore i would never block him having access but he hasn't even bothered.

this is my last resort as i know it will upset him not to have access. i am not asking for (any more)money etc i am just asking him to be consistent.

really hope things get better for you soon and would suggest you get something in writing detailing what you've agreed wrt to access and stick to it.

chipkid, thanks for your advice, appreciate it.

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pirategirl · 29/01/2008 10:59

just to say I have total empathy with your situation. I have fought with my ex 4 3 yrs for him to put dd first.

Now dd refuses to see him, and this is a result of her being angry at being let down so often.

I have a statement of arrangements, and have always remained fair, and wanted him to come. I desp didnt want my marriage to end either, and its take n alot of strenght to be fair, btu I have.

good luck.

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