dd still digging her heels in re contact, just thought i'd say!

[pirategirl]

Last saw her dad b4 xmas. He had 2 weeks off but didn't bother after this.

Subsequently didn't work for 2 weeks, and still didn't bother.

Was going to come last wekend, but dd said she realy didn't want him too.

He rang tonight, and even tho its not his weekend, which is fine by me, asked if he could come and see her sunday. I asked her and she said ok.

Then after i got off the phone started getting upset. I sat her down and said its ok to be angry, upset, but he's your dad and he'd only be coming here to the house and mummy will behere too.

'I dont' care about him, mummy, even if he hurt himself, i wouldnt care, i never want to see him again'

I have texted him, as his phone was off, to say I have tried, that i have gone thru it with her, even to the point of saying well what if he comes to the door and you have a little chat, with me there, and see how he is'
no chance.

I just cannot force her, however bad that sems, i feel guilty, almost that i am not just laying down the law and saying well he's coming, cos he has rights, cos he's your dad.

Well, i have been doing thatfor 2 yrs, but since she got to last summer she has been adamant.

thats all. I am just tired of it, tired of myself, being like some broken record. Tiredof being on my own.

She has been so much better emotionally since she's not been seeing him. I make sure I check in with her on how she's feeling but she doesnt seem to care about talking abouthim.

[pirategirl]

dd seems to be as stubborn as her dad.

[edam]

Don't feel guilty. You've spent two years encouraging her to see her dad, who sounds as if he's not particularly bothered anyway. You've done much more than anyone could reasonably ask (I wouldn't have a tenth of your patience).

Just make sure you keep a note of all conversations about access in case ex decides to go to court at any point. I am not a lawyer, btw, so may be talking out of my bottom esp. as the family courts seem to be grovelling to the fathers' rights movement atm.

[skyatnight]

Hi Pirategirl. As I have posted before, so sorry that you and your dd are struggling with this.

My dd has been asking for her father a lot recently, although she has never known him, so it's a different situation. All the same, it's like a kick in the stomach every time she says it and I don't know what to say to her. Her little brain is trying to make sense of his lack of interest and blaming herself.

He's not interested but I suspect that, even if he were, he would be inconsistent and unreliable and selfish and immature and gutless and....as it sounds like your ex is. And maybe my dd would reach the point where she would decide to protect herself emotionally from it, as your dd seems to have done.

I expect your dd is right but it's so sad that she has to go through so much pain to reach this point. It must be such a difficult decision for her, hence agreeing to see him first of all and then changing her mind. And so hard for you too.

[pirategirl]

sky, how old is your dd again?

Now that my dd is nearly six, it seems that the 'unquestioning glow' she used to have about her whislt talking of him or when told he was coming, has gone.

I can only put this down to her, at nearly 6, having been able to weigh up the whole situation. It feels that she now has moreinsight, and even tho it hurts her, she has no time for him.

He texted me last night, saying he was hurt, and that he didn't know what to do.

There he goes again, trying to make me feel sorry for him. I do to an extent, beucase the person he was would never have let it get this far, and thats the person I am used to iyswim, yet As soft hearted as I am, I have got no sympathy left, for the way he has treated her, and the hurt she has had to deal with.

He is prob expecting me to come up with a solution, I am amzed he even showed any vulnerability in this situation when he has been so totally pig headed.

Yet I am now wise enough to this 'new weird person' not to give him any more help in thismattr, nor will I let my heart rule my head and feelsorry for him.

I think i am starting, at last to get over him.

[pirategirl]

about 'him' i meant

[allgonebellyup]

harrah you are starting to get over him, he doesnt sound all that great tbh..

[skyatnight]

Pirate, dd is nearly three.

I had a search through prevous threads re. absent fathers and it does seem that around 3 is an age when children are trying to make sense of families, mummies, daddies, brothers and sisters, grannies, grandads so I suspect that this is what is happening with my dd. Not necessarily something that is going to be that damaging to her psychologically but, all the same, she does seem upset about it.

Circumstances can be difficult but I still can't understand why some people just can't be bothered with their own flesh and blood.

I think my ex has some kind of fantasy about dd coming to find him when she is a teenager and asking to live with him but I explained to him in an email that, although this may happen, it won't be the same as getting to know her now while she is little. As you say, they are so trusting and idolise their father when they are little. He is missing out on her lovely young years where she is so sweet and funny. He is needlessly hurting her, and, possibly, by the time they meet, she will have stored up resentment towards him.

It is still early days. Who knows he might change his mind but I am not holding my breath. In a way, I am ok with it because I don't want him in my life at all and I would never really trust him to look after dd. I just feel sad for her and I want to make sure I have done my best to make it possible for her.

I think it is sad that your dd is becoming already wise beyond her years IYKWIM? Kids grow up too soon as it is without having to learn that some adults are not to be relied on.

I have learnt to expect nothing from my ex but, reading what you have said, maybe your ex will eventually come to his senses and put your dd first (when he finally realises that he really IS losing her). It had to come from her because he wouldn't believe you, would he? Fingers crossed but, yes, don't feel sorry for him and don't let him put you in the middle again. It is between him and your dd now. Your dd has taken control of the situation.