I've had it up to here with my daughter's dad!

[tetti]

Right,my ex left me last year after 12 years together.He'd never been much of a dad,and we weren't what you'd call a happy family.I had to force him to give our daughter a bath,read her a story etc,and he never even took her to the park or to any other activities as he always had a blooming dvd to watch that was more important,or was sitting playing with his xbox,and could not be interupted,wow,dad of the year!

Anyway,he has now started to have her every other weekend,BUT,he refuses to come and collect her early in the day.He turns up at 3pm,sometimes even at 6(and our daughter gets upset every time,wondering why he doesn't want to spend more of his time with her-Why does he have to come so late?,she says with a really sad look on her face).
On night she cried her heart out,for the record,she is only 5.-My dad's a stranger,she sobbed,he never wants to see me.And he has no toys at his place so I never have anything to do when I'm there.
She cried so hard I started to cry to in the end,to see a little girl have so much hurt...

So,the next day I sent him an email as he was at work,telling him that he needs to make much more of an effort with her as she's heartbroken over not seeing enough of her dad.
His reply?-Nah,Saturdays is the only day I can clean,so if you want me to look after her for more of the day,you have to drop her off at mine and collect her the next day!(now,he lives in a different part of the city,almost 2 hrs away by public transport,and no,I don't drive).
I thought he was taking the piss real bad.And as for the toys?-Nah,my flat's too small,I can't have any toys lying around here!(what?Not even a small box with a few toys in?)
Also,the weekends she doen't stay over at his,he takes her out on the Saturday,comes at about 2 pm and brings her back about 3 hrs later,wow,what an effort!

This weekend I needed to know what time he'd be around as I have lots of things on and need to make plans-No,no,no,I can't give you a time,I get there when I get there,ok?!
If you don't like it,you bring here over here yourself,ok?!

I can't make any plans whatsoever,and,my daughter really wants to know what time she'll see her dad,but he doesn't give a damn about that.It''s really starting to grate on me real bad now.
It's not like I get much money from him either,just 40 quid a month,and he earns double what I do.The sick thing is that he spends about £150 a month on fags,and he can't even spend that on his little girl?(-No,her food won't cost more than that a month,and,if she needs any clother,just buy the real bare essentials,and we split it down the middle!)

Thank god I have enough money at present to buy her the stuff she needs myself,but he is completely shirking his responsibilities as a father,what a sorry excuse of a man!He claimed-I have to put myself first,but her love for me is unconditional,so that's ok(excuse me,come again?)
This is the guy with a very good career who is Mr Popular,but none of his mates and colleagues knows what he's really like,and it makes me sick!here comes the icing on the cake,and you won't believe this one,-Last year I doubted my feelings for(our daughter).-What do you mean?,I said.-Well,I wasn't sure if I loved her or not,but now I know I do..(I cannot possibly say what I think about that,I despise him after he said that,how can you possibly doubt the love for your own flesh and blood,and innocent little girl,he spent her first 4.5 years with her!)

I dk what to do about this situation and how to make him face up to his parental responsibilities,have you got any advice,because I have run out of ideas!

[singledadofthree]

hi tetti - sounds like he just doesnt take being a father seriously - a lot dont, even when together, it just doesnt sink in sometimes. and he must be 30 or so - so its not an age problem, he just doesnt get it. dont have a solution unfortunately - you can rant, stop contact, all sorts, it still may not change him - sorry and all - is just up to you to make dd as happy as possible yourself. that includes never letting her feel unloved by her father, never letting her feel he's not interested or doesnt care - that he doesnt miss her when he's not around.
expect youre mad as hell with him - but that doesnt really matter - is dd, her feelings and how it will affect her in the future that you need to concentrate on. phone him, bollock him as often as you need to - just dont let her hear you, dont let her know he doesnt care enough to see her - thats all really.

[tetti]

You are very wise.I never let on to my daughter how bad her father's behaviour is.I always say to her how loved she is by both me and her dad,and I always encourage her to speak to him on the phone when they don't meet.I rant at him mainly by email so that she stays none the wiser!:-)

the only problem is his behaviour,many times when he has been round here,he loses his temper with me and screams at me.Can be a small thing like he'll be helping me installign somethign on the computer,and if it doesn't go his way,he'll lose it with me!(yes,he's got a real problem with controlling his anger,not that he'd ever lay a finger on me,but it's just as bad for our child to see her dad right in her mummy's face,screaming obscenities at me).I told him to get out last time he did that as there is no way he can behave like that towards me in front of our child.That time he said he'd been unsure if he loved our girl?He said that in front of her!!!
he didn't even stop to think about the damage he was causing to her,he doesn't get the fact that she understands,she's not a little baby anymore,she is a very intelligent and bright little girl who understands a whole lot more than you'd think.
I spent ages comforting her after that,saying that daddy didn't mean what he had said,and we both love her more than anything in the whole wide world,what else could I say?I couldn't say that her dad is a irresponsible,selfish man of 40,who behaves like he is still a carefree 20 year old!

I hurts me to think that she is not the number one on his list of priorities.All my friends with children has partners who absolutely dotes on their children,and who'd do everything for them,I have male friends who are real superdads,it's just very unfortunate that my daughter don't get the same love and attention from her father..

[CheshireMummy]

Hi all,

My god, you guys must be reading my mail. I too have a gorgeous 5 year old girl. Her father and I seperated in October.

He is what I would call a 'short change' Dad. The only person he can ever put first is himself. I have learnt (the hard way) that I will NEVER change this behaviour and I have to maintain the 'adult' status when dealing with him.

He has our daughter every other weekend and the length of time he has her over this weekend varies. ( he lives 100 miles away from us)

I am going to continue with how it is, and the minute my daughter says that she will does not want to go with him, or gets too upset he will not see her.

Sadly, I think she will see for herself quite soon that she is not top of his list.

[singledadofthree]

tetti - well done at keeping dd's feeling fairly well protected - is bad enough for her missing him without thinking he doesnt care less. as for him having a go at you infront her - you really have to put an end to it. what's more is it sounds like youre used to it - and for 12 years? that can't be good for allsorts of reasons - as far as dd goes, she'll grow up thinking its normal and acceptable. and if she ends up with a partner that reminds her of the father she'll probably still miss - you can guess what qualities may well attract her.
and now youre on your own you also need to think of how its probably still affecting you. dont know how you come to be on your own but is time to take a bit of control. whatever help he may give can't be worth the abuse he sounds happy to give out. and youre used to it and may well be happy to let the next fella treat you the same, and the next. dont mean to go on - or cause you bother you can no doubt do without - but you do need to get your life back, is the only one you have so dont waste it on people who just arent worth the time.
as for dd and seeing him - if he doesnt change she'll figure him out in time and make her own descisions about whether she wants to see him - that bit is up to her. have myself seen kids slip away from an absent parent or two.

[jellibabe]

Hi Tetti

I just wanted to empathise with you and vent a little of my own frustration.

I've been separated from my x for nearly 3 years now. We have 2 kids a boy 4 and a girl 9. I know that he loves his kids but he is so selfish. Communication between us is very poor as I find him very manipulative and controlling. This week he has sunk to a new low in my eyes. He had told me he would collect his son from nursery for a couple of hours on Thursday but didn't. No text or call (I prefer text cause then I don't have to talk to him). Luckily I checked with the nursery and was able to collect my son before it shut. I will never forget my son bouncing out of the room all happy only to see the disappointment wash over him when he realised it was mummy collecting him. The nursery teachers told me he had been talking about Daddy collecting him and how they were going to play the x box since 3 o'clock. I thought I must have made some sort of mistake due to our poor communication. When I phone his dad today (re arrangements for access this weekend) he told me his car was in the garage and that he hadn't phoned or text me as I never answer his calls or texts.
I can't stand him but I never though he would stoop this low.

He is a compulsive gambler who does not work or give me any maintenance for the kids. From week to week access to the kids centers
around when he wants to see them. Which makes it really hard to make any plans. I go along with this arrangement as my kids love their dad and when they are with him I know they have fun. Despite the fact he does not work and has a car he still expects me to collect them every week.

Communication is poor as I don't want to send him any signals which he might interperate as an opportunity for reconcilliation. Last week he asked me if I wanted to do something jointly for my sons birthday. I said no. Just feel it would be so ackward and it's difficult enough to keep communication civil without it turning into a slaging match.

[Ubergeekian]

"And as for the toys?-Nah,my flat's too small,I can't have any toys lying around here!"

Translation: I haven't told my girlfriend that I have a child.

[tetti]

To answer singledadofthree,No,I'd never in a million let another man treat me that way,he only started to act like that after we started to hit a bad patch,or else I'd never had stayed with him for so long.For 8 years he was the sweetest guy ever.
I'm not a doormat,have never been,but this man can't handle stress,he landed a high powered job about 2 years ago,and can't handle the responsibility,so he takes it out on whoever,totally out of order,of course,I'd never defend him.
I actually got him to see an anger management therapist after he lost it that time when he came round here,and he is still keeping up the sessions.
I have told him that his behaviour will affect her future life choices in men,and if he didn't buck his ideas up,well,then basically,he just wouldn't see her!

No,he has got a gf who my daughter adores,a lovely woman,the only reason he doesn't want toys there is as it probably cramps his style!Twat?Yes!
But hey,he'll never be the dad of the year

[singledadofthree]

tetti - thought i was going to be in for a bollocking for coming out with some of that - is good to know i was wrong tho. and good to know you have the situation weighed up well enough. hope time sorts out the rest of it out.

[tetti]

Yep,I do hope so too.It just becomes such a pain at times.I appreciate most men aren't like this,it's just very unfortunate that my little girl doesn't have a father who sees her as his number 1 priority.
Financially he gives me only 40 quid a month,it's a joke! She needs clothes and other things,that 40 quid barely covers her food!And he spends what,about 160 pounds a month on fags!And he doesn't earn peanuts either.
But,I am not calling in the CSA,I know something that'll work much better,his mother!!!!!lol

[lottymadbird]

Ah really feel for you Tetti, my DS's father not quite that bad but pretty useless and very selfish always putting himself first.

agree with everyone who says he wont change, the only control you can have is stepping back and dont give him the satisfaction of knowing you are bothered or that your DD is bothered, he's probably proud in some odd way that you need him. Can you stop the emailing? If nothing else he'll be left bemused at whats happened.

you sound like you are doing fantastic reassuring DD. maybe when she's a bit older you can explain that it is nothing to do with her that her daddy does love her very much but that he is a useless tw*t

Good luck.

[tetti]

I only email the guy as it's the only way I can know I won't be interupted!lol
Talking to him is utterly pointless as one can never get a word in edgeways