DS talking about his absent Dad....advice/support needed please?

[mogs0]

Ds is 5 and has never met his dad. I have tried a couple of times to find him but positive he's not in the country anymore. Ds has been asking about his dad on and off for the last couple of years and in the last 6 months or so talks about him often. Whenever he talks about him I tell him as much as I feel appropriate. He hasn't mentioned anything for a few weeks until this evening he told me that when he's older he's going to go to India and Africa to give babies to people who don't have any and that he's going to do this with his Dad. Whilst I live in hope that one day his dad will show up and they can form a wonderful relationship, I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen and don't want to give ds false hope. I just don't know how to handle it, whether to let him think there is a chance that he could turn up one day or be definate that he absolutely will not meet this man (obviously I wouldn't be as blunt as that!!). Any advice?

[1066andallthat]

Sorry to be equally blunt, but what male role models does your DS have in his life?

Where does the magic of India/Africa and babies lie? This is, obviously, an important mission - but how?

Honestly, the only advice I have is go simple: Daddy is in X. Or even, we don't know where Daddy is but if he ever comes back to England (are you based there?), I'm sure he'll be in touch. No, don't give him false hope. Have you seen "Dear Frankie"? I usually list all the positives: all the people in our lives, who love us.

Actually, maybe given your circumstances, tell him nice stories of when you were together and why it was special and why that makes DS the best boy in the world.

[mogs0]

He has a few close male family members and friends who he gets on particularly well with.

I'm not sure where the India/Africa thing comes from. And, actually, not sure about the baby bit of it either. He tells me his plans so matter-of-factly that I don't think to ask him why!! I'll chat to him on the walk to school tomorrow but, yes, it's a very important mission that has been mentioned a few times lately, though hasn't included his dad until tonight.

Thanks for the advice, I think I panic a bit because I don't know the best way to deal with things.

[fortyplus]

It is really important for boys of lone mums to have a positive male role model - that's the main thing. I would be fairly honest when telling him the facts about his dad - in a positive way - but don't join in any speculation about the future.

[1066andallthat]

I'm not surprised you worry - all the media pressure out there is based on the premise that single mothers are going to fail their boys. I find it doesn't matter if I don't buy into it, it still somehow permeates into my subconscious .

Would he like a brother/sister? Did he tell you why he wants to go to India or Africa? Has he ever been? (Yes, I am very nosy - feel free to ignore me!) It just seems pretty specific for a five-year-old.

Equally, wishing for the impossible isn't a bad thing - I try and share some of mine with the DSs when they ask for a baby dinosaur. Or I ask for odd details - colour, sex, and what they are going to feed said-dinosaur. Bedtime stories also help us chat, sometimes, too.

[mogs0]

Fortyplus - Glad to see there was someone else up as late as I was!!! We've just moved to be nearer my family so hopefully he'll see more of my step-dad and b-i-l. Where we lived before he was really close to 2 male friends and I feel quite sad that I've moved him away from them. Sadly the 2 male friends were married to 2 of my female friends!!! !

I find it quite easy to tell him the truth, in a positive, matter-of-fact, way but I'm worried the questions are going to get harder!

1066 - You're not being nosy at all! I'm glad that someone is interested enough to ask!!

He has very specific ideas about certain things. He told me recently that when I have my baby (not pregnant and have no plans to be any time soon!!) it's going to be a girl because I already have a boy. He thinks the baby is there already and just waiting to pop out (wasn't sure whether to feel offended that ds thought I looked preggers!!).

I asked him about the India/Africa/baby giving thing this morning and am not really any closer to understanding where the idea has come from. But I do know that he's going to get the babies from families who have 2 children but only want one because they don't have 2 buggies. Also, he's not going to steal them because that wouldn't be nice!!!

I don't think that's anything to be concerned about, I think it's just the imagination of a 5 year old boy!! I was just a bit suprised that he thought his dad was going to be with him.

I have felt so guilty for such a long time that ds doesn't have contact with his dad especially when I see him playing and messing with around with the male friends (mentioned before). Although, I was told recently that boys benefit from having a positive male role model that isn't their father whether the father lives at home or not, it made me feel a bit better!

Anyway, have rambled on again, going to go and clean my rather disgusting bathroom. Do boys ever stop weeing on the floor instead of in the loo?!

[fortyplus]

'Do boys ever stop weeing on the floor instead of in the loo?!' - mine are 14 and 12 and someone is still doing it!

You will find that he's reached an age where he's bombarded with new info all the time and he is trying to make sense of it.

The best thing to do - though it's not easy - is...

Answer all his questions truthfully.

Don't tell him more than he needs to know at that time, and in words that he can understand.

So when he asks where babies come from words like 'special cuddle' are fine at first - you don't need to give advice on contraception.

That's it really - just one or two facts to answer his question, then he can go away and ruminate on what you've told him before coming back to ask the next question!

[1066andallthat]

Mmmm - weeing and floors? Actually, my bug-bear is not washing hands .

Little boys are fab but a foreign country. I can't offer you any sound advice because my ex- just doesn't do relationships, at all - not ours, not with the boys. I just do the best I can, worry myself silly some days and enjoy life the rest.

Books help, family helps, good friends help and I still long for them to have a decent father, who puts them first.

[mogs0]

It's ok, he's not going to India/Africa now, he's going to be a rugby player instead!!!! !!

[1066andallthat]

Well, that's a good sport and you'll see some lovely thighs on the grown men .

[mogs0]

Hmmm, was thinking the same about the grown men but then thought there might not be many at the children's games! Maybe we should go and watch the grown ups play so that ds can see what it's like!!

[1066andallthat]

That thought had crossed my mind, too - but at least, it is less boring than football .

[Desiderata]

Mogs, going to a rugby match with your son is a brilliant thing to do.

The season's in full spate; the 6-nations are just about to kick off (sighs with anticipation), and all the omens are good

[EachPeachPearMum]

All you can do is answer his questions as openly as possible, without hurting him, or without getting false hopes up IYSWIM.

Dh has never known his father. His mother however was always a positive role model for him, and tried to be both mother and father.
Spending time with uncles or grandfathers, friends of your who are couples or are male all help.
When he was about 6 MIL joined a rambling group, mainly of middle-aged people, so that they had a family activity that gave them exercise, fresh air, and contact with friendly, intelligent men, whom dh has stayed friends with as an adult-they were surrogate uncles/gf as dh didn't have any relatives left.