Does/Did anyone feel the same

[bluebell1]

Hi i have two ds aged 3 and 20 months.I have been a single parent for 8 months now and im really struggling to cope.My 3 year old has a speechdelay and communication is near non existent he just doesnt listen to a word i say and has numerous bouts of crying and he cant tell me whats wrong.My 20 month old is a terrible sleeper and still wakes at 5am.I feel so tired in the day.I dont get much help with them as their dad will come over to mine to see them but wont take them out anywhere.I cant have a social life as have noone to look after them and i cant really afford a babysitter.I just feel like the worst mum ever.They wind me up so much i shout at them and get angry then i feel so guilty i cry.Is this normal do others feel this way.To top it all today is my birthday but like christmas and new year i just wish it were over.

[fryalot]

oh bluebell, you poor thing!

It sounds absolutely awful that you have no time away from the kids at all. You are really struggling with sleep issues and communication issues and you're doing it all on your own.

It is perfectly normal for you to feel down, it is normal to feel angry (both at them and at yourself, not to mention their dad!)

Someone will, I am sure come along with some practical advice because there is help out there for you (homestart?) but I don't have a lot of experience in what is available at the moment.

Try really hard not to beat yourself up, you are doing a fantastic job and you need someone to say it to you.

And try really, really hard to make today special for yourself.

xx

[bluebell1]

thanks for your reply squonk thats exactly what i wanted for someone to tell me how i feel is normal and that im not just a terrible mother.I dont know where i would be without mumsnet.

[lostdad]

Bluebell, you're in my thoughts. Whatever has happened between your XP and yourself makes no difference when it comes to the care of your sons. The are both your responsibility and it is a shame he hasn't realised this.

I've got a vested interest; fathers like this mean all of us are very often tarred with the same brush.

Hang on, Bluebell. I can't begin to understand what you're experiencing (seeing is believing)...but things will get better with time.

[Flllightattendant]

{{{{Bluebell}}}}

NOT a terrible mummy

TOTALLY normal

Except many of us have more help. I am so sorry you are going through this time, it will pass somehow, honestly, I've had very bleak times as well and things do usually improve after a short while. Do you have any family near?

[fryalot]

and, just in case nobody else gets a chance to say it to you: happy birthday

[bluebell1]

I have my mum quite near but she isnt much help as she says my ds are too much hard work for her to look after.She is a very selfish person though and we have never got on very well.Thank you for all your kind words has made me blub AGAIN.

[Surr3ymummy]

Bluebell - it's really hard being on your own with a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. Mine were that age when I split up with my xDH. Stick with it - things will get easier as time goes on.

On a practical side - does DS1 go to nursery at all? You should start to be eligible for nursery vouchers - which at least should mean you have just one child to manage some mornings/afternoons. Could you afford to put DS2 into nursery for a couple of mornings a week as well, or get your mum to have DS2 whilst DS1 is at nursery - that way you could go back to bed for a couple of hours.

Secondly why does your partner have to have them at your house? Personally I'd find that an invasion of privacy, and I think you should work at changing that situation. What would happen if you told him he had to take them out somewhere?

[bluebell1]

Made me blub in a good way i mean.Lostdad when it comes to my ex its my own stupid fault.My ex was abusive to me during our relationship but like a fool i thought he would change.I still feel like he has control over me.If it means anything i dont think all non-resident fathers are like this thats what makes my situation with my ex worse.There are dads out there who would do anything to be with their children yet he lives 10 mins away and cant be bothered.

[StripeyMamaSpanx]

Happy Birthday!

Sweetheart, you are absolutely not a terrible mother. Being a single parent is the hardest thing - especially if you are not getting any help and support. Being constantly responsible, with no chance to recharge, unwind, and most imporantly catch up on the hours of sleep deprivation, is incredibly draining and I really feel for you.

I agree about seeing if your older DS could start nursery - not only would it give you a bit of space with your little one, but also hopefully it would mean that he got some help with communication and language.

Homestart may well be able to help you, as could Surestart if there is one in your area?

And go easy on yourself - I know when I was first a single parent I felt constant guilt about everything I did. Don't! Put them in front of a video with some snacks, drag your duvet downstairs, and fall asleep on the sofa.

[bluebell1]

Hi surr3ymummy and stripeymamaspanx.Ds1 is in nursery but i usually use the time to go shopping or pay bills as shopping difficult with them both.I hadnt thought about asking my mum to have ds2 while ds1 at nursery that would really help.

[Surr3ymummy]

My ex was abusive to me too - and you're right they don't change, and he is doubtless trying to control you. When we first split up I used to drive my chidren 150 miles to see their father and pick them up again at the end of the weekend - just so he would see them every 3 weeks. Once we'd established a regular time for access, I insisted he share the travelling, and today (9 years on) we do 50/50.

If he knows that you care whether or not he sees the children, then he will use that to manipulate you. My ex used to say he couldn't have them at very short notice to disrupt my plans for a weekend "off". Once I started saying - "ok no problem, but you can't have them until the next agreed w/e" he started being sensible. For years I always had a "plan B" if he was having them for the weekend or during school holidays (I work), just so I could call his bluff!

Do you have an access agreement - either formal or informal? Work on getting him to have the children away from your home - even if you have to make up a problem with the heating, or something to get them out the first time...

Happy Birthday - and although it may not seem like it - this is the start of your new life - and it will be much better than your old one.

[Surr3ymummy]

Shopping is hell with 2 small children - could you do internet shopping? Bills - if you can set up standing orders or direct debits, then that would also save you time. I think you need to try and carve out just a few hours a week that is "your time". So if you could take DS2 shopping with you, and then get your mum to have him one other time that DS1 is at nursery and just dedicate that time to relaxing - no housework or anything.

[bluebell1]

surr3ymummy sorry to hear about your ex.We dont have an access agreement as whenever i try to arrange something he says im telling him what to do.I cant win with him he is so difficult and i know its all because he doesnt want me to have a social life. Thank you to everyone for your birthday wishes am feeling a little better now.

[wooga]

Bluebell, you are not a bad mum-anyone would struggle in your situation-could your hv help you at all with getting support?

It's really unfair that you're left to cope on your own we all need a break sometimes.

It's especially hard when your child has speech delay-do you have a parent support group like ASK in your area?-again your health visitor or local library may have details of local organisations.

Please don't blame yourself for your ex's actions-it's not your fault and it's hard now but it will get better-definitely a good idea about pre-school-should be entitled to free sessions in the term after their 3rd birthday-giving you a bit of time with just the one dc.

[wooga]

Sorry my typing's too slow-out of date there!
Happy Birthday by the way!

[wooga]

Sorry my typing's too slow-out of date there!
Happy Birthday by the way!

[bluebell1]

thankyou to everyone for yourkind words i am going to look into all suggestions and will check back here later.Right now im going to take the boys to the shop to get in some treats so we can make an attempt at celebrating my birthday.

[bluebell1]

sorry space bar keeps sticking.

[Surr3ymummy]

Bluebell - you are so right - it is all because he doesn't want you to have a social life. You can't let him have ad-hoc access, it's not fair on you, on the children or on him - you all need to know where you stand so that you can plan around it.

We don't have a formal agreement - but we did write up our arrangements as part of the divorce - called a Statement for the Children or something - I can't remember now! Are you married/divorcing?

Ask him how often and when he would like to have the children, and take it from there. If he is difficult about it, then I think you can do mediation to help you arrange something - not sure where you get this or if you have to pay for it. How often has he tended to have the children over the last 8 months - could you derive some sort of pattern from that? If so you could write it up as a draft, and ask him to review it and make any alterations - so that you are not "dictating". Stress that the children look forward to seeing him, and you need to be able to reassure them when the next time will be. Also try the CAB. Does he pay you maintenance - could you position it as part of that arrangement?

If it helps, I'm now very happily remarried - with a DS who is 16 months, and who adores and is adored by DDs who are now 12 and 10 - how time has flown! ExDH has a good relationship with the girls, and although we don't communicate much, we are civil.