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How many of you thought things could be sorted without nastiness and trouble but...

15 replies

wooga · 20/01/2008 14:54

were proved wrong?
I really hoped our break-up was going to be as un-traumatic as possible for everyone's sake-especially dcs but can see now how daft I've been hoping that.
I feel so sick in my stomach with it all and don't have many friends to turn to.
His family have been causing trouble and he won't do anything to sort it out as unfortunately he's never grown up and never taken responsibility for anything.
Now he's being an arse - only seeing the kids every two weeks even though he lives 1 mile away.
I am stuck in the sodding house 'till we can sell it-then i can rent somewhere and get on with things more-sort out finances etc but I feel so trapped - like I have no control in my life- i am dreading my birthday-feel so lonely.
I will have to see a solicitor but feel out of my depth with it all-got several other things to deal with involving my ds-asd and feel ready to explode with the pressure.
Sorry for going on just need to let it all out.
We had an agreement that I stay in the house untill we sell it, then we clear the debts and split what's left but I don't feel that I can trust him anymore.

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bossybritches · 20/01/2008 15:02

I would get the agreement in writing via your solicitor wooga. Even if you DID trust him it's wise to have EVERYTHING written down.

If his family are being arses then spell it out to them. You are not going to fight with your DH you want it all kept amicable & as far as your concerned if they can't be civil then THEY will lose out because they won't see the DC's. If they ring up & are being rude tell them you are not prepared to continue the conversation unless they're civil.Hang up if needs be & keep hanging up till they can be polite.

Make a list of ewverything you can think of that needs sorting -in no particular order & go to a solicitor who specialises in divorce settlements. They will be used to women who don't know where to turn & will give you a list of things they will need to start the ball rolling -paperwork etc.

It is over-whelming I'm sure particularly with your sons problems, but come & offload on here there's always someone around & lots of good advice!!

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wooga · 20/01/2008 15:13

Thank you for advice bossybritches - it's a good idea about writing it down- am worried I'll go in to see solicitor and ramble on not really getting anywhere!

There's a divorce helpline that I'll try- seen it in local paper.

I asked h about getting a mediator(sp?) of some kind but he refused straight out- maybe when I get law involved I'll be stronger to deal with it all and he will have to take me more seriously.

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Eve34 · 20/01/2008 15:22

What a terrible situation to be in when you just wnat a fresh start and move forward. Please seek legal advice, they will talk you through what needs to happen and will get any agreements in writing for you. Hope all is resolved quickly for you all.

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wooga · 20/01/2008 15:40

Thank you Eve, can see now that I've been too nice and am getting walked over as a result.

It's always been my problem-time to harden up I think.

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lou33 · 20/01/2008 15:55

oh yes to the op

exh is currently telling me i am making hurdle after hurdle to stop him seeing the kids, and that i should be where he is today and the kids should be here with him

i need to move on apparently

am totally sick of it all

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wooga · 20/01/2008 16:04

I know, it's so annoying when you're trying to be civil for dc's sake but they're being bloody difficult.

I can't rant in front of dcs (bad memories of my parents bitterly slagging each other off)so I have to do it on here!

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lou33 · 20/01/2008 16:12

oh it's always my fault

i reminded him that i paid for him to see the kids and bought him a phone to keep in touch with them

funnily enough since i stopped paying for his fare he has only seen them once

still that's all my fault i guess

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lemurtamer · 20/01/2008 16:20

Oh no, I'm hoping we separate with as little animostity as possible, but am well aware that things can go bad very quickly. This afternoon while DS was asleep we went round the house to agree who will have what furniture and wrote it all down.
Re solicitor: you probably know this but some seem to offer 1/2 hour or an hour free, or at my solictor they charged £20 which goes to charity. Then you can see where things stand. Also go to CAB and ensure you're claiming everything to which you are entitled.
What we've decided to do is sort out a separation agreement for finances and DS, though there's no need until divorce. I think I'd rather get most of it sorted out now, so we can both move on once we're separated, and unless circumstances change it can be the divorce settlement.
Re his family: agree with BB, put your foot down, and remember you are the key to their grandchildren. Whilst mine are being OK, and I'm aware I may need their help sometimes, if any nonsense were to start then I have a lever. Stark but true.

So sorry you're having a hard time, good idea to rant here.

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lostdad · 21/01/2008 09:24

I definitely hoped things would be sorted out amiciably, when my ex left with my son.

I've had allegations of DV and child abuse (no police, no SS, no CASFCASS involvement) made against me, the police called on me for saying I'd like to take him for a walk in his pushchair (by my exFIL, just after she left), left paying all bills (including several hidden ones that I didn't find out until after she left), left to have our dog put to sleep on my own, left to stave off the bank threatening to send bailiffs round, forced to pay her divorce costs and she's not spoken a word to me for a year now. I'm in debt by a few thousands, dealing with this. She's living with her parents and putting her benefits and the child maintenence I send in her bank account and has a few thousand now. She `manages' to maintain a horse on full livery on the edge of London.

In this year, I have used to courts to extend the time my son and I have together from 1 hour a week to 4.

But if she starts talking to me...what can I do for our son's benefit? Talk to her civilly telling myself that he's worth it. Just wish she could do the same, but that ain't going to happen. I HAVE to be amicable, whatever happens.

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wooga · 21/01/2008 11:01

Lostdad, in your situation you're very strong to be able to remain civil to your ex,obviously love your ds a lot to be able to grit your teeth and not get angry for their sake.

It shows up the dads that don't bother with their kids reading your post and seeing what you have to deal with.

As he gets older your ds will appreciate you for all you're doing for him.

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LadySanders · 21/01/2008 11:08

i naively thought i could separate/divorce amicably from my exh... i tiptoed around him and his family for years... did not go ahead with immediate divorce because he promised to look after me financially if i 'gave him time' to sort himself out.

its now been 4 years, i live with someone else and am very preg with ds2, am still married, ex is still promising to sort it out... has been a total nightmare and i am now issuing court proceedings to arrange a financial settlment, will have to go to court with newborn baby, and am now in terrible position to ask for anything because i've waited so long and am now with new partner.

he gets off scot free while i am so frustrated at the whole process and wonder why i've bothered being so reasonable.

in summary, no i suspect its not possible to do it without nastiness.

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TwoIfBySea · 21/01/2008 11:18

Wooga, totally feel for you.

Just to add another one in that you will probably be able to recognise too...

I thought my ex had been a manipulative liar before he left and that would end with him going. It is nothing compared to the lies and fantastical tales he makes up now.

While watching Sense & Sensibility Marianne said a line that completely captured it. Can't remember it exactly but it was that Willoughby used so many fancy words that he began to believe the lies himself.

How many of us married a Willoughby!

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TwoIfBySea · 21/01/2008 11:20

To add again.

Hugs to you wooga, I know what it is like to go through this without much support (see my t'internet thread for my ex's latest dirty trick.)

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wooga · 21/01/2008 15:19

Thanks TwoIfBySea and yes, I can recognise about the lies that are told,I wanted them to be true but realised in the end that he'd say stuff with no intention of doing it for real-bit of a dreamer.

Also about the utilities-Sky won't let me cancel (bloody waste of money for crap tv!)as I'm not the person whose name it's in.

Fortunately I've talked ex into phoning them for me.
When he will actually do it remains to be seen though,so I am giving it until weekend then I'll get Stepdad to pretend he's h on the phone and cancel that way-fingers crossed.
It's funny how all the other things like gas,electric,water were for me to start up when we moved here as h couldn't be arsed to do it but he managed to get off his backside and organise getting sky tv installed,then he was mysteriously off work sick the day after it was set up-sat in front of telly all day.

Couldn't do a man's voice myself, would be like monty python sketch!

It's a nightmare sorting through bills and changing names though-major PITA.

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isheisnthe · 21/01/2008 15:44

I'm doing the same as you re bills - I am moving out after exdp buys me out (should fnally end this week!) but he wants to leave the bills as they are in my name - he will pay them but leave them in my name - he obviously thinks I am think - so I will be getting a man to phone up and do the business - more than one way to skin a cat!

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