I'm Billy no mates me!

[tetti]

I dk if anyone else of you is in the same situation?

I was in a relationship for over 12 years.I cut short my friendships with my male firends as my ex didn't like any of them,I also cut off my female friends as my ex voiced that he fancied them,and having had previous boyfriends sleeping with two very longstanding so called best mates before,I was certain that any female friend would try it on,and that he'd take the bait!(how very irrational ,I know,but this is a guy who was very controlling,and who loved to put me and my looks down on a very regular basis,telling me I'd need to lose weight even though I was a size 8(!),who told me I needed a nose job and a boob job!.Why did I not leave him?For some crazy reason I loved him and put up with it)
I was such a confident person with a very busy social life before meeting him,and I could back then literally have my pick of men,but after a year with him,he made me feel like the most ugly,undesirable and worthless person on the planet!A control freak,yes,but I couldn't see what he was doing at the time)

Last summer we split up,and I realised,I have no friends,my life had been him!
It was sooo unhealthy,I can see that now..
I have made a few friends,got very close to one,but she'll be emigrating to the sunshine in a few weeks,lucky one!lol
I just wonder how I could have let it go that far for all those years,how I could have let myself be so controlled by this man?

I am slowly building my selfconfidence up,am dating the most drop dead gorgeous bloke,but I cannot for my life see understand how he possibly can fancy me!I get guys flirting with me,trying to chat me up,but I think they are taking the piss and must be having a laugh!All I can hear is the ex's comments on how all my flaws,and his put downs.How do you learn to really love yourself again,eh?

[TLV]

well i'm pretty much in a similar situation, don't have that many friends coz i cut mine out when i got with my soon 2bxDH, get yourself a life coach or a book, i've got a couple and they really do offer some good insight and most of all you have to want it and I mean really want it. I totally lost myself and became reliant on him and it wasn't necessarily his fault but mine and now i'm really doing some soul searching as i'm faced with something that i thought would never happen to me, being left alone with a child to bring up and being totally afraid of my future (well only if I let myself

[AMAZINWOMAN]

you have managed to make a few friends in a very short space of time-even got close to one. I wish I could do that!

[TLV]

and the fact you are dating someone drop dead gorg says something too!

[tetti]

I did get some self help books which were very helpful,but I guess it's pretty deep rooted,you know that feeling of not being good enough(if I had only half the confidence I had before I met the ex!).
I guess I am partly to blame as I stayed with him for so long,but when you love someone you have the blinkers on well and truly!
All I can see when I look at myself are the imperfections,and all I can think of in the case of the guy that I'm dating is that he's 8 years younger and that there are so many attractive younger women around.I don't let that on to him,me being worried about my looks and all that,men do find that slightly off putting,don't they?(in the case of my ex though,he loved me feeling low about myself,because he knew then that he'd never have any reason to worry about me straying or flirting as I had no confidence left!)

I know I have to start to like myself a bit more,I am happy with life,don't get me wrong,but I have to start and try to like what whom I see in the mirror.but that is so hard!
I'm the kind of person who when seeing someone with a camera I run for cover!lol
Just guess it'll take some time for me to get back my confidence again after all these years.
I have got myself an exercise machine(although not for weightloss purposes as I'm too sml anyway),but for the endorphines(!),I'm getting botoxd done(well,as migraine treatment,but getting rid of the worry lines will probably help my self confidence too,lol),and I have invested in new clothes and make up,and have started to care more about my appearance(after years of not caring!),so I hope I'm on the right track.Then once I feel happy with myself,I may strat to attract the kind of friends that are good for me:-)

[lostdad]

I've gone all out to make new friends. I've joined a club to meet people, go out whenever I get the chance (between working on court papers regarding trying to have a decent relationship with my son!) and joined an online dating agency.

I feel like a student again, albeit a calmer, more confident and cynical one. Have to say though...I'd rather be with someone - I'm the adventurous sort, but I'd rather share life with someone else!

[bandgeek]

Joining a club or organisation is an excellent way to meet new friends. I play in a brass band and they have become like a second family to me!

Still get lonely sometimes though....

[tetti]

Mmm,but I can never get a babysitter so joining clubs or organisations etc isn't an option for me.
Meeting other mums at the school seems to be the far easiest option in my case (I work from home so don't get to socialise with other adults that way).Also made friends with some neighbours who I got talking to and seem to have clicked with.
I am kind of glad that I am dating someone (albeit on a pretty casual basis,for now anyway,I wouldn't mind it getting more serious,but one day at a time,have learnt not to expect too much,then one only gets disappointed,one has to go with the flow!))who doesn't want to get too serious as in moving in with me and my daughter etc,I feel I need to get my own identity back again (it's great re-discovering the outgoing,funloving person that I actually am,not that depressed,introverted individual I became during those years with the ex.
Someone I hadn't spoken to in ages commented on how very happy and totally different I sound now,and when the ex's friend saw me he said-Omg,you're looking really good!,so that was a bit of a boost.
It just goes to show that being in a bad relationship doesn't do one any good at all,and what a waste of valuable time too(this is not a dress rehearsal as they say,and I have promised myself never to waste any time in a unhappy relationship ever again!)

[Tippychick]

I am also a sad-sack no mates and joined this site because of my sad and needy posting on another forum! As a single parent of a 15mo, living in a new area, working PT so can't go to the parent's groups and relying on rural buses, I am very isolated. I sympathise and share the problems re babysitters etc.

I kind of have a theory that when you're at this stage of life, newly-ish single and friendless, you want to find people who are just your type to be mates with, having kicked the relationships that don't work into touch in the rest of your life then you want frienships that really count, not just random people from work or the pub that you don't really have much in common with. Does that make sense to anyone ?

Not that I have any of those friends either. I'm so sad

[tetti]

It totally makes sense!
I only want friends that I actually have something in common with and who will add something to my life,not pointless friendships with people who I share no common ground with at all.
I did make one friend before,a mum of one of my daughter's classmates(she started reception).The woman turned out to be an absolute loony though.As my child is mixed race(as is hers),she started to adapt a Jamaican kind of accent,throwing in all kinds of slang,she looked at first like a normal mum you know,no make up,short hair..
Then she turned into something out of Single White Female!Seriously!
I got long very blonde hair,she got long extensions in my colour!,then she started to dress like me(and we are polar opposites in our way of presenting ourselves,it's be like Cherie Blair dressing like oh I dk,someone into rn'b maybe,doesn't quite look right!lol)
The drop came when she started to go to Hennes and buy exactly the same clothes for her girl as my daughter was wearing,and she sent me up to 20 plus txt's a day,I was freaked out and worried I had some stalker in the making after me!

I am now a bit more careful with who'm I strike up a friendship with,lol(sanity is one requirement!)

[mummyfantastico]

I have a reasonable number of friends but miss the really close friendships i had when i was younger. I am still friends with people from school, college etc, but not as close as we used to be, partly cos xh was quite possessive and liked to have me to himself.
Thank god for mn!

[tetti]

Agree!:-)
Well,my ex never liked any of my mates,especially not the male one(who were strictly platonic,and who I'd never had fancied in a million years anyway)
Then he had the cheek later on to moan about me not having any friends!
He was so good at controlling me emotionally,I cannot see how he did it now,but when you love someone(like I once did love him,though it seems v hard to believe now!lol),then you can become very weak and can't see anything through those rose tinted glasses!

[wanderingtree]

I moved over 100 miles to be near my son (met at university etc etc) and it has really made me realise how many friends you meet in school that you keep throughout the rest of your life.
What Tippychick said is quite right, you can't jump into a relationship first as that person will become your first close friend which could easily have an adverse affect of the relationship.

[LoneLou]

I'm in similar situation I have no friends I suffered depression after ds and basically sut myself away from my friends, I was embarrassed about admitting I had depression, my life was my X, I miss my X as a friend really coz he did listen to me and give good advice, obviously at the minute I don't want anything to do with him after all the lies and now I have no-one.
I have got back in touch with a couple of friends, whom I've not seen in 7 years!! (the whole of my relationship with X) but I don't know, see how it goes. I became comfortable in my realtionship with my X just existing really, not going out and now I deeply regret not keeping in touch with friends. I have been chatting to a mutual friend but X has soon put a stop to that telling her not to talk to me, which I think is a bit mean, coz we don't talk about him.
Maybe we should arrange a mumsnet night out, day out anyone up for it????

[aimeesmummy]

Hiya, this is a really interesting thread for me. I've been on my own for the last year with DD, exH lives nearby and has her one evening a week plus every other weekend. One thing I've learned in the last year is how sociable I actually am and staying in on my own (effectively, ie no grown-up company) every night is bloody hard and I get quite stressed and very, very lonely. My social life has always been one of two things; long term friends who I see infrequently and work social stuff. My long term friends are all scattered around the place and have happy families of their own - and the work social life is as transient as always and is currently pants. I have my Mum and two sisters living nearby, but, even though they know I'm on my own and lonely (cos I've told them I get lonely) they don't visit.
So what have I done about it? Well, I'm lucky in that exH has DD quite a bit so I do yoga one night a week. Plus Friday nights - accepting that I currently have no social life - I've started fencing again! It was something I loved at college and I really need some exercise so I've bit the bullet and gone for it - and love it! Also, I've joined a group called Spice (google it) which costs £12 a month to be a member but they have social activities organised pretty much every day of the week. I tend to stick to the cheaper end of what they organise due to current financial situation but I've done pole dancing, comedy night, walk with wolves and their xmas party. The reason I joined was not particularly to meet people (I'm rubbish at that!) but to organise myself stuff to do on the weekends when I don't have my daughter, otherwise I stay in on my own and get very depressed.
I've also got back in touch with a couple of people from my ante-natal classes that I'd not seen for some time - one of which has also split up with her husband - so it's good to swap stories and catch up.
Gosh, reading back - sounds like I do loads - I don't, I'm generally in on my own, mostly on Facebook (excellent way of keeping in touch with people) or practising with my new hula-hoop (if you can't get out to exercise much, the exercise must come to you!)
One thing I'm rubbish at is meeting new people and keeping in touch with people so any tips anyones got on that would be appreciated!

[LoneLou]

I've recently joined facebook and yes its great to catch up with old friends see what they're up to. Maybe we could be mates on facebook aimeesmummy?

[aimeesmummy]

Email me via here with your name for me to search on! I tried to email you but you've set your personal details to not receive emails.

[Tippychick]

I have to get online at home, at least then I can have a virtual life!

I can't do evening or weekend things, or anything really without my baby tagging along. So I guess yoga would be out! Her Dad visits about once a fortnight for an afternoon or so but it's not on regular days and usually short notice so too late to arrange much.

aimeesmummy - I have come to the conclusion that i must also be rubbish at meeting people and making friends. In fact what I'm really rubbish at is asking people out - not on dates but making that leap from chatting at the gates or at baby group to inviting people over for coffee or a playdate. Whenever I've made tentative suggestions along these lines they've never really been taken up with much enthusiasm. And I'm not weird or a stalker, honest!

Sometimes people (especially where i live - it's quite rural and people have been living here for generations and never left) just have enough mates and don't understand what it's like not to know anyone I guess.

[Catnkids]

I'm enjoying this thread cos I thought it was just me that had lost touch with friends cos of exH and is struggling to make new friends and find a social life and really struggling with loneliness in the evenings.

I've been looking for single parents groups in my area but haven't found anything so far

I only have a friday night to do anything and there aren't many clubs or courses running on friday nights so not much of a chance to meet people.

Btw I'm on Facebook too!! Haven't found many old friends on it and not sure how you do the networking thing with it either!

[LoneLou]

catnkids I had to play around with facebook for a while to get the hang of it and I still not sure about its full capabilities. Go to the network you want to search and just enter the name of the person ur looking for or just browse through it to find people.
I've not actually met up with any one on there yet so I'm still billy no mates. It's just so hard to get yourself back out there when ur confidence is pretty low and ur generally feeling like s**t.
Loneliness is a horrible thing!

[Tippychick]

Our local lone parents group is billed a bit like a dating agency - the poater decribes it as a "way to meet single men and women in the area". Eek! I've only been single for 6 months, I still have baby weight and a mummy hairdo and wasn't actually looking for a date!

Needless to say I haven't plucked up the courage to go yet. Saying that, how much chatting up can go on with all the toddlers present?

[lostdad]

I'm in the same situation, too. Yes, I don't have my DS living with me () but I thought I'd done all the `making new friends' thing and was happily settled!

[aimeesmummy]

I'll set up a group on Facebook tonight and call it "Mumsnet Lone Parents" or something and will write some blurb in it about it being as a result of this thread, so have a search through the groups for it after tonight.
I've been having a bit of an email with a chap who contacted me via Match.com over the last few evenings! Quite exciting!

[tetti]

Excellent!:-)
I've just rekindled a relationship which I for some reason thought was over(I get my wires crossed easily,lol),a casual relationship I guess,but that kind of suits me for now.He makes me feel good about myself,somthing my ex never did.And,it helps that he is 8 years younger too,so he would never try to control me:-).
Thing is,this is mad,but during the days I thought I'd never see him again,I went on Plentyof fish.com,just for a laugh basically,and actually made a good friend there(yep,a guy who just wants to talk and is pretty handsome too,lol),also had chats with one gorgeous bloke from there(pretty rare,as there are some real weirdos on that site!lol),well,it's a bit fun to get some attention after years of not getting any from the ex!lol(god,do I feel for his new gf,she'll see what he's like in due time,lol)

[chloemummy]

I am in the same boat... All my activities are child based. I have been a lone parent since I became preggers... My dd is now 7. I dont have any family either to help... It does get very lonely but I suppose you get used to it. Do any of you mumsnetters live in London. As aimesmummy said maybe we can meet up. I live in Walthamstow

[chloemummy]

I am in the same boat... All my activities are child based. I have been a lone parent since I became preggers... My dd is now 7. I dont have any family either to help... It does get very lonely but I suppose you get used to it. Do any of you mumsnetters live in London. As aimesmummy said maybe we can meet up. I live in Walthamstow