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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

what would you do?

18 replies

pinguthepenguin · 21/12/2007 23:46

Hi guys

Me again...been getting alot of support from MN about my recent breakup,and its really helped, so thank you all. I've another question regarding exp and ow if thats ok.
I recently had a thread going about ex taking our 6month old to see ow and as much as it hurt, most of you believed that I had to accept it as a given that he would see ow with our baby and to let it go.
I've tried my best in the last few weeks to get my head around it all and have managed for the most part, but now that xmas has come, another thought has popped into my head.

He is taking dd overnight for 2 nights over the new year and I dont know if he will be planning to have the ow staying at the same time.(I'm not actually sure what 'stage' their relationship is at- he refuses to discuss it with me.) Taking dd to see her for the day is one thing- waking up with her in the house is entirely another. In fact- dd's cot is in exp's room. Imagine if she woke in the night- would he bring baby into the bed with them? makes me shudder.....
Thing is...if I ask him whether he plans to have ow over, he's likely to say its none of my business. He's quite awful actually.

Is this another thing I'm going to have to accept as a given? or do I take a different stance with overnight stays?

OP posts:

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pukkapatch · 21/12/2007 23:48

if you are breastfeeding, then he cant take the baby from you for that long at this stage in babies life.

and tbh, i dont see someone taking care of someone elses six month old, no matter how far along their relationship was.

madamez · 21/12/2007 23:54

NOt sure it's reasonable for him to take a 6 month old baby away from you for 2 nights whatever his situation is with OW. Is he really that good, involved and hands-on a dad? FWIW I left my DS with my parents over 1 night when he was 6 months old but missed him horribly and could only bear to do it because we had been living with them up until about a fortnight previously so I knew DS was familair with both them and the house. If you are not happy about this visit you can get loads of support for the idea that it will be distressing for your DD to be away from you for that long while she is that young anyway.

Lauriefairycake · 21/12/2007 23:57

agree with what the other two have said, too early for the baby to be away from its primary carer.

Did you ask for the babysitting cos your going out? or were you pressurised into it?

pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2007 00:02

You see, I'm with my parents for xmas, which is a short plane journey away from where we both live. (he preferred to be with ow and her kid for xmas). He wanted to have her for some of the holiday, so the only way around it was to let him have her for new year. He is quite hands on actually, although suspect even more so because he doesn't wish to be seen as someone who abandoned his child in front of ow. She has a child already, so that wouldn't do you see....

I know he gets quite a bit of advice about babycare from ow. he refuses to give in and ask me a single question about the dd's needs, yet seemingly knows everything. He is also pretty well equipped at home and so I think he got this advice from her.

I think, all things considering, she would be more than willing to help out with dd. She helped herself to him when we were together, so why wouldn't she?

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pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2007 00:04

and no, im not still bf. He usually has the baby overnight once a week.

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pukkapatch · 22/12/2007 00:06

personally i wouldnt. not at six months.
six years would be badenough, but i wouldnt let him at six months.
and definitly not fi ow is anxious to help out so much.

pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2007 00:08

I've already agreed to the visit, on the grounds that its only fair, and while I've no concerns about her care, I am concerned that he'll have ow in the house while dd is there, playing happy families, sharing a bedroom with her, acting like her mum.

yuk

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Lauriefairycake · 22/12/2007 00:10

He already has the baby overnight - so its really about her and the anger you feel towards the both of them - him 'acting' the wonderful father to impress her (or at least you thinking that), not to mention him having gone behind your back with her.

Utterly hideous - poor you really really fucking sad, shitty, crappy situation.

I have no idea how you will get used to this - I can only offer that the pain gets a little easier with time, I am happily remarried but I still think my lying, cheating scumbag of an exhusband is a total cock - 4 years later - but thankfully I don't think of him every day (and sometimes go weeks without remembering I was previously married)

It will get easier and the pain will lessen.

pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2007 00:12

The trouble is....he isn't likely to reveal if the ow is going to be staying overnigth in the house. He refuses to discuss the nature of their relationship at that level, so if I go on suspicion only, I may be depriving him off dd for no good reason, yet I cant stand the idea that I dont ahve any say in who my dd shares a house/bedroom with.

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Lauriefairycake · 22/12/2007 00:16

You don't have any say and you don't want to know, stop asking if you can.

I really really know how hard it is to stop asking I spent ten weeks asking questions and going mad in my imagination - I wish i could have maintained my dignity but I couldnt cos I still wanted him back

If you can stop asking (cos you have no right to the answers) you will feel better eventually (and you won't be me in 4 years still cringing at the things I asked

pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2007 00:18

last post full of typos- sorry!

Lauriw- thankyou. Yes, I suppose it is about her , as I dont have any real concerns about his ability to care for dd. He is good with her, although he is so stuffed up to his neck with false pride, that i know for a fact that he would seek advice from ow about what baby needs before he would ever consult me. He also likes to pretend that baby was really good for him, when I know for a fact she was upset...stupid things like that.

There is also the issue of it being too soon for the baby to be waking up in the same bedroom as daddys new gf. I knwo she doesnt really understand, but how am I to know he wouldnt take baby into the bed with them in the mornings or something like that? it would be too much....really to much.

isnt it?

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Lauriefairycake · 22/12/2007 00:24

It is too much 'cos your really really hurting and it's just a horrible thing to think about.

But you can do nothing about it. If they do comfort her in bed together in the morning then its good for the baby (rather than being on her own).

In time you will be glad that you have brought her up to have access to her dad, glad that you have not disrupted their relationship, glad that you have not slagged him off - you will have done everything possible as right as you can.

And in time you will get over him and the anger - please try very hard to look after yourself though - its really very new this break up and its a lot to come to terms with.

He's a real fucker for doing this to you cos you sound lovely

Lauriefairycake · 22/12/2007 00:24

oh and obviously you deserve much better

macdoodle · 22/12/2007 00:25

For me it would be too much and sod the reason - don't think I could do it ...good luck whatever you decide ...

motherhurdicure · 22/12/2007 09:57

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jennypenguin · 22/12/2007 11:01

Hi pingu, i sort of know what you're going through.
My dd2 is 4 and since xh left she comes into my bed in the night very regularly. It absolutely freaks me out that if she gets into bed with xh, the ow will be there (he moved straight in with her when he left).
I hate the thought of my dds having cuddles etc from someone who i can't stand (i've never met her, she may be lovely, but anyone who will sleep with a married man with kids is not the kind of person i warm to)
Luckily for me he hasn't tried to push for overnight visits yet, but i'm sure it will happen at some point.
With a baby it must be even harder, poor you

pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2007 11:32

thankyou all so much.

motherhurdicure- I will come over to the pn thread one of these days. I found it hard to be there if im honest, because while everyone was gushing about new babies etc n( and rightly so), I was dealing with a shitty ex who'd just walked. I'll come again soon though.

I know I need to get past how I feel about ow- and Im trying. The idea of them taking baby into the bed to comfort her, and view it as good thing, seems like light years away for me though.

Thanks though, for taking the time to reply girls x

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motherhurdicure · 22/12/2007 13:16

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