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so does it bother you if your children meet their fathers' new wives/partners? Or do you like them?

12 replies

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 12/12/2007 14:14

Pondering this after encountering said bitch lovely woman earlier today. I was surprised and pleased to find how well I got on with my ex. I would be happy for him to see Ds. But the wife, well at risk of being completely wrong, my impression was such that I would not trust her as far as I could throw her, especially after hearing rumours a while back that she was nasty to his other child

I imagine there may be room for negotiation about how much contact Ds would have withher, but how do you manage if you have no choice eg a court order?

I think I would go insane if I had to leave Ds with someone I didn't like or even know

I also felt as though I was being treated like the 'other woman', as if I had done something wrong, when in fact she was the one shagging Ds's dad before he left me

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leoandmummy · 12/12/2007 17:51

i don't think i would be okay at all. it might depend on age. if you can talk to your child about the time they spend at daddies and what they do, are they happy etc...?

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TwinklyfLightAttendant · 12/12/2007 18:41

Thanks for replying you're right.

I really struggled with this 3 years ago when we first split up, it was horrendous to think about some other woman knowing my baby...but now at least Ds could tell me what went on. Particularly useful if you don't really trust either of the people looking after him, to be honest.

Some people have to let their ex's partner look after their child regularly and I would find that very very difficult, just wondered how they manage it. Some new partners are probably actually nicer/more reliable than our ex's, to be honest!

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midorimum · 12/12/2007 19:31

my xp wants ds to meet the OW who was seeing him before we split a year ago, up till now i have resisted as ds is severely disabled, is on medication and has swallowing and allergy issues and has no speech, therefore cant tell me what goes on, whether hes been fed etc

i know it will happen sooner or later as they are getting married/starting a family etc but like you i dont trust xp to look after ds properly, he never bothered with him much when we lived there, and he wont let me meet his fiancee, think hes afraid i will tell her stuff about him

ive said i wont let him take ds on his own till ive met her so we are at a stalemate just now, he says im being unreasonable but i think after what hes put us through, he flung us out and moved her in!, it isnt much to ask to meet the woman who will no doubt end up looking after ds when xp is on the pc/tinkering with his cars/just generally doing his own thing.

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haidee · 12/12/2007 19:43

I'm afraid I've got to play devil's advocate here. The Other Woman is part of your Ex's life and to be honest I don't think there's much you can do to keep her out of things - I've a feeling these things eventually backfire and you'll end up looking the baddie.

My Ex is with a 21 year old and I had the same concerns but the kids actually love her. Yes, it irks me, in fact I bloody well hate it but the kids are always quick to tell me that they love mummy most of all...etc...etc I've had to remind myself that time has moved on, I'm no longer part of my Ex's life just as he's no part in mine - I wouldn't be keen on him trying to dictate to me about who I introduce to the children.

Granted the situation is different if there are concerns about the kids' safety but I think there comes a time when you just have to step back and let the kids make their own minds up.

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tetti · 12/12/2007 19:53

My girl is meeting her dad's new partner this weekend(so am I actually),so I'll come back to you on this one:-)

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jennypenguin · 13/12/2007 02:50

I hate the thought of my kids having to meet the ow, but xh wants to do it as soon as poss.
Xh and his gf have proved to be untrustworthy by having an affair, so how do i know they will put my dds first?
Xh was not a bad dad, but he preferred to play xbox and do his own thing all the time, so he never really just played with the kids. The few times he's had them since the split he's sat them in front of a film or left them to it while he plays on his new xbox 360.
I am glad they are old enough to tell me what's going on, but there seems to be no point spending much time with him or his gf if dds aren't getting anything from it.

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TwinklyfLightAttendant · 13/12/2007 06:31

Been thinking about it all night.
I do hate the fact that he chose to marry someone who isn't actually very nice, but there's not much I can o about that...I would be mortified if someone I was with, was horrid to my children - in fact I left my second child's father because of this - but some people it seems don't care how their partners treat their kids .

I am just hoping that it ends up being a one off visit from him every 6 months say (birthday/christmas) so ds has an idea who his father is...and that they get on with their family life, and we get on with ours. I have a feeling they would be fine with that as she has 3 kids already, he has two others, it must get very busy.

I think that would be ideal, as far as it can be.

Do we actually have the right to choose if their partners see our kids?

Midorimum, I really feel for you and that what you are asking is right. stick to your guns. I did that 3 years ago and they 'gave up' because I refused to let ds - then 1 - go with him to a place where I had no idea what went on. After hearing about her treatment of his other child I'm very glad I stuck to it. He never told me where they lived either.

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leoandmummy · 13/12/2007 12:46

I think you have to decide what you think are no go's and stick to them. And be as relaxed about the things you feel that you can be. For example if you don't mind them seeing your child on a day trip ie to the cinema etc then let them do this as much as they want but then stick to you guns on over night visits saying to make the pill easier to swallow kinda thing that 'we'll go with this for 6 months and review.' You get what you want so do they to an extent and they either get bored and give up or you feel more comfortable or everyone likes it as it is and carries on as it was. it also give you the oppurtunity to open up a discussion about problems. x

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Anna8888 · 13/12/2007 12:54

I am a stepmother and, as a far as I am aware, my partner's ex-wife is thrilled at all the free childcare I provide as she tries to send the boys to us for extra nights nearly every week

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midorimum · 13/12/2007 21:20

Twinkly you asked "Do we actually have the right to choose if their partners see our kids?"

when i went to see a solicitor after xp started asking to take ds to see OW, i explained the situation to him and he said if there was bad feeling between us that if he went to court for access the judge would probably specify that the OW was not involved in contact at the beginning in order to get the contact running smoothly....no idea how long this would last for though.

from my point of view, what with ds's disability i feel i need to meet this woman to start a dialogue with her so that in the future she isnt reluctant to phone me if ds has a problem or if she just wants to ask something concerning him. as it is just now there is tension as we are strangers and xp would rather keep it that way and this is what i need to change before i can happily let ds go to them

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PSCMUM · 13/12/2007 21:29

my ex's new partner is so absolutely lovely. She hasn;t got kids of her own and has always wanted them, and so she loves having mine and is fab with them. I know how lucky I am reading some of this thread! She is just great and the kids love her.