Have I done something really, really, really stupid? Please tell me I haven't.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

I just went to Ds1's father's house.

It is about 2 miles away and yet I have not seen him for about 3 years. I didn't even know if he still lived there, but he does, and his new wife (I think they married last year) answered the door and was pretty angry that I had turned up.(I don't have their number)

My reason was that it is Ds1's first ever Xmas play today. I had an epiphany at the roundabout on the way home, and dreamlike drove the other way, to his father's house. I just wanted to say, Ds1 is in a play, do you want to see it.

His father (N) hasn't been in touch all that time, and I had tried calling and left countless messages (apparently to a wrong number) saying would you like to see Ds, but never had a reply.

Anyway I was very apologetic and she asked me in, I half thought she might kill me, but she said N would be home in a minute and when he got home (she rang him first) she went out with the dogs and left us to talk. It was Ok, he hasn't changed, is friendly, etc. (and never sure if he's being honest) and we chatted about Ds for about 20 minutes before I went. It did feel like a dream.

N said he didn't want to cause any upheaval to Ds, and I agree, and I left it with him to think about the next step. Now I am bricking it.
Firstly I am afraid N will want Ds to go to their place, without me (Ds is 4.6) which I sort of hinted wouldn't be ideal, as he doesn't know them, but then how do we arrange a meeting if it has to involve me? I don't think she (or N) would want us spending any time alone with Ds. (N's scared of me!)
Secondly, I hate her. I have heard rumours before that she was unkind to N's other child (who is now 13) and meeting her gave me the distinct impression that she is fairly harsh, also fairly anti sharing N, and by that I mean sharing him with his own children.
I do not know her of course, she may have a great other side and of course she wasn't going to be super friendly to me in the circumstances (erm actually, I was to her, so why not ) but she was really sort of almost sceptical, had this smile on her face like I was perhaps lying or something - or was after money - I just don't know what she knew, or what the whole feeling was about it. But I got the idea she had heard I was an evil cow which I have to say I'm not.
(I think by the time I'd been there 10 minutes and he was home, she had been disarmed slightly and realised I wasn't a threat)
I could not tell what she thought about Ds entering their lives, she kept saying 'well they just live round the corner,.' and then tailing off, not sure if she was trying to say he should see his dad, and I was the one who had prevented it or somehthing like that. I would actually rather they didn't see him. But it isn't about me, is it?
And I know N could be a great dad. Him and Ds are very similar.

So have I let my son in for a huge, horrible fight revolving around a nasty stepmother and her (I suppose) rights to seeing him, without me there, or was it inevitable (her kids are at the junior school, he is in reception) and something I was right to do? I am so scared. Please calm me down.

[CarmenerryChristmas]

FWIW I think you did the right thing, you acted from love and that can never be wrong. He should see his dad if at all possible and perhaps ex's new wife will get on well with him. Big of you to try, well done.

[LaDiDancesroundtheXmastree]

I've got no experience of your situation at all but I think that making moves to enable your ds to have contact with his dad has got to be a positive step. You have already shown that you can be friendly and adult in your approach to N and his wife, hopefully they will take your lead and deal with you in a similar manner.

I thing that you did a good thing, not a stupid thing.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Thankyou Carm. My mother will be furious, she is always telling me that Ds has a stable, happy life and doesn't need his Dad (who did used to mess us around - he's afraid of commitment, terrified in fact) and I have been relieved every time he didn't get in touch. She says it is stupid and opening a can of worms.
But I have reached a place where I want Ds to know his dad, it is awful to think I played a part in him not knowing him - yet I really don't want to introduce this awful woman into Ds's life. He has dealt with enough wihtout all that kicking off.
Btw I know N would never pursue his 'rights' himself, he is not the type to get legal, he would rather duck out than fight in any way.
Which is a relief in itself.

[Freckle]

Take a deep breath. You have done a wonderful thing for your ds. You have, despite previous rejections, taken another step to get his dad to show some interest. Obviously his new wife isn't going to be terribly pleased about another child having a claim on her spouse, but she wasn't openly nasty or obstructive.

If N does decide to take an interest, I think you have to make it clear that it will only work (and you will only allow it to happen) if he is consistent. No dropping in and out of ds's life.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Sorry x posts will reply to others in a min x

[Myrrhcy]

Have you spoken to ds about this? Has he had much contact with his father?

[NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis]

ooh, scary stuff for you.

i think you did the right thing tbh.

i am unable to give more time right now, and post a proper answer, which this deserves... but just wanted o say that yes, i do think you have done the right thing. obv its complicated adn theres lots to work out still... but still.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Thanks, Freckle and Ladida...you're very kind to reassure me like that.

I have such mixed feelings about him. Not a lot of trust but a knowledge that he is a good dad when he is actually there.
Long story but suspicions that he is happier with someone else's kids than his own - he married a woman with 3, leaving his own child and his adopted child - that was hellish for them. I think he sees his own children as something of a threat as he owes them more, morally, if that makes sense? With the new woman's kids he is 'doing them a favour' as it were, so resolved of any obligation, so he can do it easily.

He also used to drink and drive consistently. I do not know if that has changed. He was an alcoholic, I'm also unaware of current status with that.

He was telling me just now all about how his adopted child (now 18) had lived with them for a time, and then they'd found out she had been 'using' them (?) and she was no longer in touch. And how they have 'just got the younger one back' after 3 years of muddle and fighting with his ex wife. (younger one is 13 as I said, doesn't live with them)

He was also saying how he had wanted to be 'on top of things' and getting on well with his work etc (self employed decorator) before meeting his son - he doesn't want son to be ashamed of him. I remember now this is what he said 3 years ago - I'll be in touch when I'm settled'. Well, he's never going to be that mythical wealthy father he wants to be. It is just an excuse not to have any emotional entanglements - which another child would be.

I have realised he does not have my number either. I realise he may not ring.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Thankyou all, I wish I had not gone though. I haven't slept much recently, am not thinking straight - I should have thought about all this first.
Yes, Ds knows he has a father whom I cannot find. I said I hope we will find him one day. I have not mentioned what I did today - will not mention it. I will wait and see if they get in touch, and go from there. We have to know what we're doing before he gets a whisper of it.

I know he would love his dad, which is very painful, but also that there is still a big risk that this man will let him down as he let down his older children (the 18 and 13 year olds). He doesn't seem to be good with the commitment side of it.

I am remembering more of the conversation. I said 'I just came because of the play' and he said 'when is it?'and I said 'today, and tomorrow morning at 10.45'. He said, shrugging, 'Ah, you see I'm working aren't I?' , so well that tells me a lot, doesn't it. That really should have told me.

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

TLA you have made the first move now so leave the ball in his court, if he doesnt attend the school play or doesnt contact you in any shape or form then leave it at that, if he does want some kind of relationship with your son then it needs to be built up gradualy so staying at his house probably wont be an option for a good year or so, maybe meeting up at the park or a soft play centre will be a good start

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Yes, you're right, it's up to him isn't it? I am more worried about what her agenda is to be honest. I would have little problem meeting N for visits, no problem at all, we always did get on very well and I am long past the 'still fancying him' bit. But she was just weird. There is no way whatsoever I would want my child in her care, especially after what I heard. Why is he with someone like that?!!

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

the thing is they now come as a package so if he does see your son she will most probably be there so its something you really have to consider, what you can ask though is that he see's your son on his own at first just to see how that goes.

[PirateInaPeartree]

I think you did the right thing , in that your intention was good. on behalf of your ds.

Yet, if he hasn't bothered with his own child for so long, he can't be wanting a relationship with him surely?

The wife, must have been v surprised to see you, and I am glad she had the decency to leave and let you speak to ex.

I know its hard, and this time of year makes you cross becuase they ex's 'should' automatically 'be' there for the little ones, yet in your situation I think your ds would be let down over and over.

Only say this cos his father hasn't bothered.

I hope really that it doesnt, as you mum says open a can of worms.

[hazygirl]

good luck i hope things turn out ok,

[ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight]

Well I think you have done it for the right reasons but given what you know of N's past behaviours and alcoholic tendencies and what you know of his wife, I hope it does work out ok.

I think only time will tell really.

And with regard to the play being today and tomorrow - it IS short notice and he may well be working.

I would leave it now - ball is in his court. He doesn't have your number but he does have other ways of getting in touch I assume. If he wants to he will. And if he doesn't - you have your answer.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Thankyou. yes, at least I know my motives were good. It does seem pretty clear that he was more comfortable staying away, and I told him I thought it was probably the right thing - he's been through a messy divorce and everyone has evidently suffered, I'm glad we weren't really caught up in that.
I am guessing that they are fine with the way things are - though there is always the niggling guilt of an unresolved relationship with a child - and I too am happy as we are, I know my son is Ok and neither me nor N liked the 'passing them to and fro' bit with children. That niggling guilt though is what made me blithely walk up to their door though, I suppose. I want to be sure i have done all I can to ensure the doors are open between my son and his father. Then once I've done that, I know I can relax and start to enjoy him as I am not preventing him having this contact.
Regarding getitng in touch, he does know where I live, which would mean a letter or him just turrning up would be possible...however he is not very forward, I think he would probably be afraid to visit off the cuff.
Half of me is excited at the idea of Ds running around playing with his dad, while I sit watching from a park bench, and half of me wants to pretend it was all a dream this morning. I suspect N feels very much the same.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

I think I feel better about it now, because I know my son is old enough to tell me whether he wants to go there or not. If he doesn't like something, there will be no making him do it. So if he went off with them one day and didn't enjoy it, he would tell me for sure, and it would stop. I think that is keeping me sane. When he was a year old I had no idea what he was doing, when I wasn't there. So it seems safer now to even consider it.

[peanutbear]

I think what you did was a great thing for ds you were polite and dignified stayed no onger than needed

and you can say you have tried when your son asks you what went on in years to come

good on you, the world would be a much better place if people tried to do what was best instead of putting there personal issues first

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Oh it took me 3 years of personal issues, Peanut, but thanks all the same!!!