i am so sad that dd age 4 wont be at home on christmas eve........

[chocolatespiders]

i know it is only fair her dad gets to spend it with her, but i am still sad about it, and i am dreading her being collected by him on christmas eve....

she will be back 11 on christmas day

i also have dd age 10 who i am trying to convince our christams eve will be on christams day night, so we can wake up boxing day and do the pressies, > but she is not having any of it!!!!!

any one have any suggestions to get me through it?

[ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight]

I can't imagine it.

How about coming to a deal with older DD that she opens one present first thing and then waits till 11 till younger DD is home and then you do all the presents then. Maybe do something special with older DD in the morning - cuddle up in bed with chocolate or something?

How does younger DD feel about going to her Dad?

[ATortIsForLifeNotJustChristmas]

I know exactly how you feel.
This year i have christmas Eve until 3pm Christmas day so that DS1 and DS2 can go to their dads after Christmas dinner. I am sad that i won't get all day with them.(especially as i have got the wii they were so desperate for!)
It will be just me and DD1 and DD2 for the rest of the day.

Your DD can still hang her stocking up to find it when she gets home on Christmas day.
You can have a special few hours with your other DD before then.Hopefully she will be happy to only open 1 or 2 bits and save the rest for later.

[handlemecarefully]

[sensiblehead]

I don't blame her! This is her christmas too! I know it is awful when you have the morning without your whole family, but that does not mean dd1 has to lose out!

Why not leave the presents till later, plan a special morning for you and dd1, something like stockings and posh (grown up) breakfast in your bed, have a couple of special (grown up) gifts hidden under the bed for you ot produce as a surprise. Spend an hour or so reading a really good book to her or something you don't usually get chance to do. Maybe she could do some bits to help with lunch that she couldn't do with dd2 there? Get her in on making things super special for when dd2 gets back (treasure hunt with map, footsteps, notes from santa etc)

[Hulababy]

Can you not still do Christmas Day on the day itself, but from lunchtime onwards once the little one is back?

I can understand why DD1 doesn't want to wait, really tough on her too and 10yo isn't really that old still.

Why not plan a lovely special Christmas Eve/Christmas morning treat for you and DD1, with DD1 maybe opening just one gift in the morning on waking up. Breakfast in bed, a pampering morning, preparing dinner together - all ready for when the 4yo walks through the door.

[sensiblehead]

sorry, phone rang and I posted early!

I meant to continue...

Being without some of your children at christmas is really hard, believe me I know. However, the best way to get everyone through it is to make it a positive, ie, chance to spend extra time with dd1, get the dinner ready with a helper that can really help

Please try to stay upbeat about christmas your children need you to make oit work for them, I know it is but this is yet another of those moments post relationhip breakdown where you have to paint on a smile and make it ok.

[chocolatespiders]

thanks for the ideas everyone......

i do understand what you are saying about dd1...

i just really like the creaping downstairs excitment to see if santa has been.... dd1 doesnt beleive this year...

so i dont know whether when dd2 comes home from her dad, to say santa has been or wait til boxing day,

it is time like these when i wish i had made some better choices in my past, and my kids didnt have different dads, it upsets me so much. dd1 hasnt ever seen her dad, and dd2's dad was her dad until we split and there contact was sadly lost, the whole thing makes me so sad

[chocolatespiders]

ok i am crying now, over the thought of all this

i am really grateful for you valuable ideas.

so do i tell dd2 that santa has been here while she was at daddy's?

i guess i just wondered what other lone parents did,

her dad went away last year so had her 2 days before christmas eve, and did the santa bit with her then

[Surfermum]

Do you mean 11 at night? In which case I don't blame the 10 year old for not wanting to wait.

We have the flip side of this, with dsd coming to us alternate Christmases. She's 12 and we have a 4 year old dd. We just carry on as we would without dsd on the years she isn't there, and her mum does the same at her end (dsd has other half siblings at her mum's too).

It's a horrible situation for everyone because someone will always miss out in some way.

[chocolatespiders]

do you know what i am grown up enough to have him here on the day for a bit,
we split 2 years ago, he got married to the OW this summer, i have moved on loads, even though at times like this i feel sad....

He is very secretive and has never introduced me to OW, although she did come with him to pick dd2 up this week,

i was maybe thinkin in my head we all need to move foward with this for dd's sake, as she see's a divide between us, she talks about them freely to me, but she doesnt talk to him about dd1 and me, so i was thinkin when he brings dd2 back on xmas day then i will invite him in and her if she is there, and i will buy a pressie from dd for OW this year... to try and move it all foward

[chocolatespiders]

dd2 will be with her dad from christams eve afternoon til 11 christmas day morning> sorry for confusion

[Hulababy]

You can still do the creeping about bit? Just make sure the door to the living room is closed when she gets home with the lights turned off and curtains closed, get her sorted in the hallway and ready to go. Make sure she left her stocking out before she leaves on Christmnas Day. Have the camera ready. And then once she is sorted, open the door, turn on the lights - and it will be the same "creeping" effect for you all.

[Surfermum]

We tell dsd (and now dd about dsd's stocking) that Santa left a stocking at our house too as he wasn't sure which house she'd be at and didn't want her to wake up disappointed. So it's there, where it would be if she'd slept in the bed. And when she was little we did the sherry, mince pie and footprint stuff and left it for her to see.
You see, he does all his deliveries on Christmas Eve doesn't he, so it might blow his cover if he's a day late.

[Hulababy]

Or - have it in her bedroom, so no one has been in the room at all - so you can all go and see if Fc has been or not together.

[Surfermum]

Inviting them in and the pressie for the ow would be a really lovely thing to do. We are 8 years down the line and it was only in the last 6 months that dsd's mum has spoken to me. She admitted that I had never done anything wrong, it was all her stuff. Anyway, we all went out on dd's birthday, both lots of siblings, dh, his x and I and it was fantastic for dd. And it means now that she can't play us off against each other as we actually speak. If your dd is only 4, it really would be the best thing you could do for her - to try and move things on. I think dd has grown up with all sorts of emotions to deal with because of what went on between the adults (her mum never shielded her from it). Go for it!

[chocolatespiders]

thanks all

• great advice thankyou think i will ask santa to put her pressies in her bedroom....thanks hulababy.....

sufermum - glad things are getting better for, you. think i will invite them in if OW is with him, i dont really blame her, i am sure my ex reeled her loads of lives about us, but we have many years of thsi to come so something has to give a little...

i feel a bit better now

[ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight]

I think inviting them in would be a very mature and wise thing to do. It will hopefully pay dividends in years to come with your ongoing relationship with them and more importantly will help your DD enormously.

Well done you for even thinking of it.

[sensiblehead]

We used to have a couple of hours of cross over so Ex could come in and say "Ooh Mummy, has FC been here too " etc etc, also in your case it would allow DD1 to have a bit of that too (assuming he could bring her a little gift too).

The other thing I wanted to say is, don't be too quick to let go of belief - they may say that they don't but they still enjoy all the trappings and have that thing of "I'm too big to believe" (looks around quickly incase FC has heard) In fact I think that is true right up until the end of teens - try to forget your 18yo sons stocking and see what happens

[yerblurt]

Just be glad that DD is going to have an exciting time opening her presents at her dads and then having another exciting day opening presents at mum's - think how exciting it is for her to be able to open presents at BOTH parents.

That's whats important - not you or ex, but the child, as long as she has having a good time with both parents, that's all that counts!

just sit back and chill out, make the most of it