My poor dd5, how do I reply to this, ' I hate my life mummy, I wish I could die' all becuase her dad doesn't give her 'time'

[PirateInaPeartree]

I was very shocked to hear her say this last ngiht. Her dad came round for half an hour on sat. It went ok, she was nervous, but he cuddled her , told her he loved her etc...

I asked if (as it was 'his') weekend that could he take her out for an hour or so, park, milkshake. Yet no he siad 'I am running a bit late now'

As you know form my other posts, he refuses to spend time one on one, and is dictated too by his gf.

Well, at least I tried AGAIN, to get him to try.

I was expecting some sort of reaction form dd ove the wekend, and thats when she got all upset last night and said that.

I comforted her, told her everyone loves her very much, and then we got on to antoher subject.

She feels everything so deeply, and so grown up but is 5 ffs. Do I tell him she has said that. It wont make any difference I know, and the reaction we will get tends to be he lashes out and behaves worse.

[PirateInaPeartree]

.

[ChristmasSendsMePsycho]

don't know how to advice beyond thinking that sounds so sad from a 5yr old.

had to reply, but am sure there will be some wiser MNer about soon.

[PirateInaPeartree]

thanks

[margoandjerry]

poor you and dd. How awful. And well done for not slagging him off to her when that's what he deserves (and more).

I can't think of any helpful suggestions atm but if I get any inspiration (other than suggesting I go round and poke his eyes out) I will post. Bumping for more helpful mners

[PirateInaPeartree]

you were helpful margo thankyuo

[ChristmasSendsMePsycho]

welcome.. tis not nice to post and feel ignored, specially with something as worrying as this. you will soon have some MNers around who have probably been thro similar.

[PirateInaPeartree]

hugs this way are more than welcome thanks!

[WeFrizYouaMerryChristmas]

for your dd. It seems that her dad doesn't realise the hurt he's causing As it was his weekend, is this a court arranged thing, or did you keep it amicable between yourselves? wondering as if he wants to stay in touch, he really should have 'proper' contact, but you know this already right....could you arrange supervised contact at a contact centre, to ensure he keeps to his times? not the ideal I know, but if he's shirking his duties, which he apparetly wants? it might buck him up a bit?

[PirateInaPeartree]

His gf has told me there is no way he will attend a contact centre!

His balls are on a xmas tree somwhere

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

piap tell him what your daughter has said and ask him what does he intend to do to make it right and make her feel secure, if he has nothing to say for himself and if adamant he wont attend a contact centre I would be inclined to cut all contact cause as it is at the moment seeing her dad is not in her best interest, that little girl is very unhappy and its heartbreaking

[PirateInaPeartree]

I believe sometimes he wants me to say 'no more contact' to him.

So he can say it was my fault one day.

So he doesnt have to provide any money. I would be happy to never see him again, but I know dd loves him, even tho shes angry with him and gf.

[Alambil]

money does not equate contact - court says as much.

No "father" should EVER stop paying money - regardless of contact; not that it works like that in the real world.

I really really feel for you - so very much, and your DD.

Do tell your ex - write to him and his gf. Copy it and keep one - so you can prove if needs be at a later date that "actually, darling, dad did know - he just didn't care enough".

If he keeps not putting her first, I think it is high time she knew the truth - that he just can't be bothered; no excuses, no other reason. She is obviously well cared for and it is to be expected that she takes it out on you but that doesn't make it any less painful.

Can you do something super-special with her to spell out JUST how much she is loved/cared for/appreciated - sometimes kids really need showing as well as constant telling? (slightly OTT but a one off won't hurt)

hope she is ok today

[TwoIfBySanta]

PirateinaPearTree I have had a similar problem with dts1 (6 in 19 days!) It has affected him badly that his dad was only wanting to spend more than 15 minutes with them if his new gf was there (he moved in with her a month after our split. She also calls the shots.)

It is heartbreaking when you hear your child crying and saying such negative things about themselves. Dts1 would cry at the most insignificant thing and then start saying that no one loved him and that he hated himself.

I had to sit both of them down (dts2 seemed okay but I didn't want him to be hiding any of these feelings) and let them know that we were still a family we had to be there for each other and no matter what we loved each other. I also had to point out how many school friends he had and how people were always wanting to play with him etc. etc. I think it worked as he is a lot happier now.

After weeks of shouting matches ex has finally started taking them out Saturday afternoons for something to eat, just him and them. He is even taking them to the cinema this weekend which is a big step in the right direction.

I had to point out to him how he would feel if I ever meet anyone else, he quickly realised that if he continued the way he was he would lose the boys completely if there was another male figure in their lives.

I'll give you a hug and a back rub Pirate, I know how upset you will have been. It is like someone ripping your heart out hearing that!

[PirateInaPeartree]

twoifby santa, our dc's are the same age then, as my dd is 6 in april.

I am thinking abuot getting thru this day, will see how she is later. She has her nativity today.

Maybe I shuold write a letter, again? I have done a couple over the last 2 yrs, and they have been ignored and not commented on. Ihvae been 'told' not to talk to ex dh about dd's issues, by him.

I would love to say, no more, but I am sure she would miss the contacts.

[Alambil]

Could you ask her outright?

Hopefully the nativity has taken her mind off it for a few hours.

I do think you should write - even if it is ignored because then, in time, if DD ever says "why did you never tell him how upset he made me" or whatever, you can say you did - he didn't take notice.

[skyatnight]

That's really upsetting, Pirate. She cannot help but feel that he has rejected her in favour of his new family. It's the only way your little girl can make sense of it.

Maybe the time of year isn't helping - lots going on at school and in the media about Christmas, Jesus and families and 'love one another'.

I am deliberating over sending some recent (really good professional) photos of my dd to her father. It's a different situation because he hasn't seen her since she was tiny, although I have tried to keep him up to date with her development. If I don't send them, I know he will blame me in the future for cutting him out of the situation (get's him off the hook for showing no interest) but if I do send them, he will either not respond or respond in a nasty way. I may leave it until the new year in order to avoid it seeming like I am trying to guilt-trip him for Xmas.

I have to do what I think is best for dd.
You can only do the same. And that's what you have been doing.

Has dd written him a letter? If not, could she write her feelings down for him? (But he must really already be aware of how she feels).

If he didn't have 'time' on Saturday, could you suggest that he plan ahead to take her out to the park in the new year and then maybe meet the gf and her dd after an hour or two at the end of the contact visit? I don't know, some kind of compromise. It might give dd something to look forward to and show her that he does care.

I know it stinks but could you write to his gf (as another mother) and explain that this is really hurting dd and that she needs time alone with her father?

Sorry, just scratching around for ideas.

If your ex and his gf are like my ex, nothing will work because he enjoys hurting me. He doesn't seem to realise that it is really dd and himself that he is hurting in the long run.

[TwoIfBySanta]

Pirate, my ex-dh walked out on us during the summer so this is all a bit new to me.

The way I handle it is by concentrating on them, not him. He has, several times, made plans only to phone up at the last minute - so now I don't tell dts they are going until he phones to say he is on his way.

I plan days out for us, act normal and do nothing around him or his schedule. In fact a couple of times he has phoned up last minute demanding to see them only to be told we are going to x place and tough luck.

I also started this thing where, as they are twins and therefore get no single time with me, I drop one off at my parents and take the other out and then vica versa the next week. I then spend special time with one and can get them to talk about all sorts of things.

I view their father as a sometime visitor, I have had to contend with feeling like a failure because he hasn't been the kind of father I thought he would be (he was a liar and manipulator so nothing was as it seemed.) It is difficult but he seems to be starting to be normal simply because I have tried so hard, no matter how badly it is affecting me, to show he cannot hurt me anymore. Like I said, I concentrate on me and dts, my family - he can go get stuffed.

One day, when they are old, alone and miserable because their children don't visit - then they will realise what a huge mistake they made. Serves them right.

[XmastimePelvicfloorsandwine]

Oh pirate your poor little dd
She is so adorable ,i witnessed her sadness that day we visited and she showed us the pic of her dad and said "that is my daddy......he doesn't live with us anymore"

I wish there was something i could do to help you.
I can only offer you((( hugs )))

[macdoodle]

Pirate I really feel for you but am going to say something which may not be popular but I have learnt from bitter experience...please feel free to ignore me
My DD is 6 her dad left last Nov after a lot of fighting and screaming...though I adamantly did not slag him off to her and tried to "facilitate" him seeing her...after a few similar comments from her I realised I was surreptiously doing it - that is asking him to look after her/have her over/take her out in front of her knowing how he would answer and I guess subconsciously wanting her to hear his response...making seemingly neutral comments but in retrospect were quite loaded...never mind of dady can't/wpn't have you...mummy will do something nice with you...
I have made a huge effort to stop doing it....if he comes he comes if he does something fine if not HIS loss...I don't talk to her or in her earshot about him AT ALL positive or negative....
I make it about her and me (and new LO) and leave his relationship with her entirely up to him.....and things are better ...slowly I am letting go of my anger/resentment/bitterness, DD seems happier and calmer ....and her contact/relationship with him less of an issue..
I truly hope this long ramble helps...if it is not relevant then please ignore....I hope things get better for both of you

[PirateInaPeartree]

hi would just like to say that I have not asked him to do anything for months now, as I get no response, except disdain.

I asked him if he was doing anything with her the day he came over, as it had been a long awaited visit, and I felt I had to ask on dd's behalf.

I have stopped expecting anything from him at all, but whilst he was actually here, and was his 'ofical' weekend, and he asked her to come to his house for that night (sat) I assumed he was going to spend some of the day with her.

So did she.

[PirateInaPeartree]

macdoodle, form my exp, when my mum refused to speak about my dad 'at all' it made me feel very alone in my feelings for him.

I will always speak to dd about her dad, in general convos where there is something that he or I did in the past, or something relevant to him and/or her now.

Iwant her to know that there 'was' love and she was wnated by both of us. iyswim?

[onebatmother]

oh gosh this makes me so sad. All you women in this position trying so bloody hard to do the right thing for your kids, you're amazing.
Only thing I can add is, ultimately you're unlikely to be able to change him. Try and think what she might, in the future, be most proud of you for.

I think it would be for fighting her corner, without drama or aggro, and trying and build her a relationship with your ex. Which would mean letting him know, as calmly and, dare I say it, as kindly as you can, that she is suffering and that children, like anyone, stop putting themselves in the way of pain, after a while.

Any use? Probably not, but felt I had to say what admiration I have for you fierce mothers.