confused over contact arrangements and going through mediation...experience or advice anyone?

[treaclepudd]

Hi, I'm going through mediation at the moment [had 1 session] to talk about contact between ds dd and their dad.

He left 19 months ago. He got his own place in july. we were getting on ok, he would come in for a cuppa etc. I lent him money to get the kids a bunk bed for his place. I was fine with the new arrangement that he had them either a friday or saturday night and the days either side.

After the summer holidays I began to feel it wasn't fair because I felt all I was doing was stressing, rushing around mon-fri and not getting 'play time/free time' with them.

Then in half term my ex had them for 3 nights. My DD is just2 and DS is 6. DS said that my ex dosnt get out of bed when they do and have to play on their own in the morning. My ex turned his phone off so I couldnt speak to them at bedtime like we always do, and they weren't at his flat. What with this and the fact that my ex turns up anything between 15 minutes and 4 hours late for the kids at weekends drove me to mediation.

It's got really messy now as Ive also been to the csa. It's brought up and opened all the old issues for me and Im sooo wound up. I wanted to get everything straight and above board but it feels worse. Now ex is making me feel guilty about DD and DS. I was cross when I got the csa letter as hes been lying about how much he earns and texted him as such and about the next mediators appt he was meant to make and hasn't. His OW has sent me a pretty smug text at midnight telling me how they were at an xmas party and having a great time, knowing that Ive had flu all week and still have to be here for the kids and go to work and knowing that I don't ever go out. I know there are people worse off than me, but Ive been up since 4am going round in circles and it's been a struggle since he went last year.

Anyway, the upshot is that ex now has DS and DD once a fortnight but DS dosn't sleep over, she is brought back at4 pm on a Saturday until a later date when she is older. He lives 7 miles away and I have always asked him to see kids during the week and he has always refused. He agreed this new arrangement at mediation. I feel awful, am I doing the right thing for the children?

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

he doesnt sound responsible, I agree about the every other weekend rather than every weekend as he will get to have the good days with them where yours would just be about work, school runs, home work and bathtime, you are entitled to spend time with them yourselves at the weekend. He cant travel 7 miles to see his kids during the week but I bet he travelled 7 miles to the xmas party, for a start the OW should butt out as it hasnt anything to do with her, just stick to whats been agreed for now and yes you are doing the right thing for your children.

[treaclepudd]

Thanks Tinkerbeltinsel. I think Im most worried that ds is getting a 'sleep over' but dd isn't. not sure if it's reasonable that's all.

[sarah1969]

I think you are doing the right thing. Your dd is too young to be away from you right now in my opinion. My dd is 4 and I wont let her stay away with her dad, although our situation is slightly different in that he has had hardly any contact with her in the last 2 years and i dont trust him! Stop beating yourself up over it. Does dd seem affected by not staying there?