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following on from another thread, let's all think up some answers to common small-talk questions that don't involve a defensive urge to explain why we're single parents

30 replies

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 01/12/2007 18:34

You know the ones, questions like

"so are you planning on having any more children?"

"What does your husband/partner do?"

I dread being asked these questions, so let's think of some good answers to them that don't make us feel horribly inadequate or 'pathetic'

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sensiblehead · 01/12/2007 18:44

I think the balance I have is perfect.

Why would you assume I am married?

Truthfully, I don't know I think it is hard not to get all defensive!

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nametaken · 01/12/2007 18:47

"what does your husband/partner do?"

FFS even paired up women hate that one!!!!!!!! Why don't they just come straight out with it and ask how much money you've got.

Why on earth would anyone want to know this?

And if anyone asks you if your planning any more children say "why, are the one that's gonna have to pay for them?" that should leave them speechless.

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OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 01/12/2007 19:44

lol at both your answers!

nametaken glad I'm not the only one that finds that question highly annoying, that and "what do you do?" Grrr

I once answered "do you mean what do I do in my life or what do I do to finance my life?" It got an awkward laugh in response

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neva · 01/12/2007 19:44

I would just say: 'I'm single' and leave it at that. No need to be defensive or to explain at all!

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skyatnight · 01/12/2007 21:21

OMDST - I think I find it difficult because dd's father doesn't see her. He is 'absent'.

The next question after you explain you're a single Mum is always: 'Oh, but she does see her father, though?'

I so want to give them the reassuring, socially acceptable answer they want - that, yes, her father is very involved and we get on fayyy-mously now we're no longer together. So nice now that we don't have to argue all the time and can just be the perfect co-parents.

Sometimes I do lie and say: yes, he sees her sometimes. But it's not true.

If I tell the truth, that he isn't involved at all (he's pretending she doesn't exist as it might put off 'the one' (his perfect woman) when he finally finds her - he's road-tested quite a few), the next thing they say (desperately floundering to hear something positive from me) is: 'Oh, that's a shame but have you got a good support network, your family...? (I usually just say yes at this point but both my parents passed away, my sister is abroad and my brother is the other side of the country. I moved to be closer to my father before he died and know hardly anyone round here. I have to travel to see old proper friends.)

If I tell the whole truth (I have perhaps once or twice, risking total social anathema) then they will say of course: 'oh, that must be hard but you're ok, aren't you, you manage? The appropriate answer and the truth is: 'yes', I do. And I've got quite a lot to be grateful for.

People are trying to be nice, wanting you to be positive. I do need to establish more of a support network via single-parent clubs, acquaintances, new friends and neighbours, child-minders. My neighbours are good actually - there you go, some positivity!!

Neva - you are absolutely right. Just say: 'I'm single' and it WILL shut them up and prevent further questions. Although...some of the more intrepid will venture further with: 'have you been on your own from the start?'... Perhaps a Paddington Bear stare is required as well to stop them in their tracks?

I can only blame myself because I'm too frank with people. They don't need to know all the details if they are only acquaintances and, if they become friends, I can explain later. But, ideally I would prefer to be honest and not be judged/pitied. Idealistic.

Everybody gets the question: 'what do you do for a living?' whether single parent or married or whatever. It just has a bit of an added nuance-dimension if you are a single parent.

Is there a Daily Mail 'top of the pops' or hierarchy of single mothers with 'widow and part-time brain surgeon with lovely, well-connected, extended family' at the top and 'teenager with no support network and no qualifications, never worked, on benefits' at the bottom?

(No offence intended to widows, teenagers, the socially successful, the bereft, those who live in depressed areas with high unemployment and those whose unique brilliance is not measured by our one-size-fits-all education system.)

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skyatnight · 01/12/2007 21:28

The only real solution is to develop a thick skin.

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coldtits · 01/12/2007 21:36

Harrrr good thread. If your are a single parent, who does not work, then the answer is "I am a stay at home mum". If they then ask what the husband or partner does, the answer is "Oh, I am a single parent". If they ask anything else, then depending on what they ask, my mood, the kind of day I have had and my level of sobriety, I may tell them, I may staple them to the wall with a glare, and I may also become Somewhat Shrill.

Does anyone feel like ringing the ex up at these times, and putting the questioner on the phone to him? "Here you go, ask him why I haven't got a Tv license when I thought I did have one" or "Here you go, ask him why we split up - take it with a pinch of salt though" or "Here you go, ask him why an apparently socially functional, fairly bright woman with work skills ended up unemployed, raising two small children alone on a council estate"

I do. And yes, yes I am bitter. Bitter as a bullied lemon.

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nametaken · 01/12/2007 22:08

of course a single parent who doesn't work is a SAHM same as a married parent who doesn't work is a SAHM. How could anyone be so ignorant as to judge the two differently. Or are they really miffed because one is financially supported by their DP and the other is financially supported by the state? Do you think this is perhaps what bugs them? Sad lot of individuals if it is?

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skyatnight · 01/12/2007 23:08

That's brilliant, Knobbly-knockers! I love the image of putting some Home Counties, NCT Yummy-Mummy on the phone to my ex and saying: 'Ask HIM!'

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MAMAZONtopofSanta · 01/12/2007 23:13

"so are you planning on having any more children?"

no i have a boy and girl and both are perfect....why exapnd on perfection?

"What does your husband/partner do?"

he is a cunt

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Tovik · 01/12/2007 23:15

are you planning on having any more children..

that's SMALL TALK?

not in my world

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Tovik · 01/12/2007 23:15

are you planning on having any more children..

that's SMALL TALK?

not in my world

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coldtits · 01/12/2007 23:51

I always long to say "He is a rent boy ... do you know him?"

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singledadofthree · 02/12/2007 00:37

i tend to get told i should have more kids - and i'm a single bloke!! - bet there arent many single mums that hear that one.

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OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 02/12/2007 09:29

snort coldtits, I would love to have the courage to say that to someone!

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OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 02/12/2007 09:30

Tovik it's not small talk in my world either, but you'd be surprised how many people I barely know ask this. They don't mean it in a bad way though.

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jellyjelly · 02/12/2007 10:55

I alwasy say the lack of a man means i dont have more.

The headteacher at my school and i were talking the first conversation and she asked if i would have more and that was my answer. It got a laugh she seems to like me more now.

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PirateInaPeartree · 02/12/2007 11:04

pmsl at he's a cunt!!

yo know what, I am going to try and say it at one of the run up to xmas school things.

middle of the play?
over the tannoy at the school disco?

'but her dad still sees her doesn't he?'

No he's a selfish, dope smoking, stingy, narrow minded twat, oh he's also in charge of (tell name of company), so be sure to tell your friends to avoid it.

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mrsmcv · 03/12/2007 12:19

LOVE the Daily Mail scale, Skyatnight!

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Janos · 03/12/2007 21:07

LOL

I had this the other day. I was in a Taxi (ooh la la, very posh) and the driver asked me what my partner did.

Me: "Actually, I'm on my own"

Taxi Driver : "Er...I'll just keep my mouth shut then..."

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bluejelly · 03/12/2007 21:12

I bloody hate it when people come right out and ask you 'so why did you split up then?' -- I have had that sooo many times. So rude and what the hell are you supposed to say, I read his emails and caught him having an affair??? I mean really...

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RachelG · 04/12/2007 16:41

I say "I'm on my own, which is great because it means I can watch Big Brother and I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, rather than Top Gear and Match of the Day". Most married women then look at me with blatant envy!

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Krimble · 04/12/2007 23:02

I would love some witty one liners for those that work with us both but don't know, haven't quite twigged or don't quite believe we are seperated.

If people know we are but ask why I say "Well I work for the company but I don't bloody want to be married to it too".

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Krimble · 04/12/2007 23:03

I would love to say if anyone asked what he did.

"He is a professional arsehole", but no one ever asks.

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pukkapatch · 04/12/2007 23:06

when people ask me what i do, i tell them i look after my babies.
when they ask me when i am returning to work, i ask them why should i? isnt this job enough?
they usually backdown at this point.

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