waiting for the part where I feel only indifference to the father of my baby

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi Girls

Just venting, hope thats ok.
I had a baby 5 months ago with my partner of 3 years. It was a good relationship and I loved him a great deal- although it was rocky at times I admit. When I fell pregnant (unplanned), we were happy about it when the initial shock had worn off. Anyway,after the baby was born, life was obviously different, but I thought we were happy enough, he was certainly delighted with the baby and was no different with me.
I began to notice though, that he became very friendly with a client of his. He introduced her to me and I had lunch a few times with her, and we even babysat each others children for a few hours. I wouldn't say I was close to her, or knew her overly well, but she seemed nice enough. I did suspect though, that he had ideas of her, and although it should have made the alarm bells go off, I was 7 weeks post partum and so feeling slightly vunerable. I kept my fears to myself until a matter of days later, after a row about nothing, he said he wanted out. I couldn't believe it- the child was 7wks old. He behaved so badly about it all, didn't do it in any way compassionate at all- just kept trying to convince me that 'it was always on the cards', saying awful things about our lives together- in fact, he has competely re-written our history in an attempt to convince me that we were unhappy before, and so the baby changed nothing. I have enough emotional intelligence to know if he had wanted out- so I refused to buy into his story. He never wanted to discuss a thing, and so it was all over within hours. I was so distraught that I went to stay with my family (in ireland)and I never returned for 8 weeks.

I instinctively knew this woman had somthing to do with it. He denied it of course, and so I kind of dropped it, because I had little to go on- and besides, part of me kept hoping it was some kind of a crisis, and he would eventually come to his senses. When I was with my family, he came to see the baby twice in that time, but kept me at such a distance, you would swear it was me who had perpetrated the entire mess. He rarely called, and when he did, he kept everything to a business like arrangement. I did try many times to get him to talk, but he would read from the same script repeatedly- about how he wasn't happy, 'I must have seen it coming' blah blah. He often became agitated on the phone when I tried to talk, and he would put the phone down. I would honestly say that he devoted about 2 hours of his entire time to ending our relationship- broken up into a series of 10 min conversations and text messages. It's been truly hideous. When I was there, he never wanted to know a thing about me or how I was, asking only after the baby. It was as if I had quite literlly died to him, and I can tell you ladies- this is probably the thing I have struggled with the most. (ludicrous really, when there are more serious issues at hand)

The issue with this woman still niggled me, so when I still in ireland, I decided to call her on the phone and ask her (rather nicely) if she suspected he had ideas of her. I knew nothing had actually happened between them at this point, so I didn't want to accuse her directly. She admitted that he had flirted with her to a point, but she hadn't really taken it on board, but she did consider him as a mate. I told her we had split, and she sympathised, but didn't go any further than that. I directly asked her if she was interested in him, and she said she wasn't, and that she would now find it hard to be friends with him after knowing what she did. I asked her if she was still in touch with him, but she said she hadn't seen/heard from him in a while. I breathed a bit easier after that, and I believed her. I even felt a bit hopeful that we might reconcile eventually, believing that I may have got the whole thing wrong, and she really didn't have anything to do with our split.

Nothing changed between us while I was there, and so I came to realise that the situation was permanent. I made arrangements to move out of his house with the baby when I got back, and found myself somewhere to move into. I returned from Ireland 3 weeks ago,and had to stay in his house for a few days until my new one became available. Whilst there, I came across his phonebill and I can tell you- I almost died. The had/have been texting and calling each other 20, sometimes 30 times a day- even when we were together, but mostly since the day I left. They even text loads on the night of our childs christening. They talk first thing every moring (exactly as he and I used to do) and the patterns of communication between them made my heart sink to my stomach- she was texting him on the day that she had lunch with me. She had also been in touch with him the very morning that I had spoken to her from Ireland- and every day before that, so she lied to my face. There are many more incidences, but they are all on a similar vein. I knew then that I had been made a total idiot of.
I went round to her house and had it out with her. She was nervous, even though I was calm enough. I asked her what she was playing at, and she defiantly told me that they were just friends, and that I should be having it out with him and not her. She refused to answer any questions about the incessant calling and texting, and was even angry that I had come to her door! she asked me to leave (of course), but not before I told her what I thought of her behaviour.
She sent me a text immediately after, saying that I had no right to show up at her door taking my frustration out on her. She said that being friends with him had always upset me, but we are now split,and going away for 2 months had been my decision (!)
so if they are now 'good friends', then it had nothing to do with me.

When I went back to the house, he had already been informed (of course) that I had just confronted her. I went completely mad at him, saying that I knew now why he had left us. He denied anything was going on, they were just mates, and that I had no right to be going round there. He was awful that night, saying he did the right thing in ending us, that he was glad it was over, and going round to her house like that had proved that to him.

You know...for a split second, i actually wondered if both of them were right......that I had behaved badly, that I had no right to do it?
Anyway, the upshot was, that a few days later I moved onto my new house with the baby- and he didn't even help me- said he had made plans that night, despite knowing the move was happening. He came around the next day to put a few bits of furniture together, and gave me a few sticks from his house, but that has been his entire contribution to our move.

Two weeks ago, a few days after I moved in, I asked him to finally be honest and admit if he was seeing her. He didn't deny it this time, but goes absolutley nuts if i say that he cheated. I actually do know that nothing physical happened between them while we were together, but I am from the school of thought that believes that cheating isnt confined to the 'physical act', and so what they did was much worse.
Its funny how he gets so annoyed when I say that he left us to be with someone else- you would think at this point that he wouldn't care wouldn't you? I mean what has he got to lose by telling the truth?

I don't for a second think my situation is unique, but while this story may read like something from the Jeremy Kyle show, we were (I thought) fairly decent people, with professional jobs and morals to boot. It's all so distasteful and downright embarrassing to be involved in a situation like this, to be left holding the baby after looking forward to her arrival so much...

He comes around about twice a week to collect the baby, and I am extremely amicable with him- to the point that it drives my family and friends nuts because they say I should be angry. I am angry- but I don't thinks its productive for the child to carry on being so. Also- I'm being honest (If a little pathetic) in saying that, in may ways, I'm still reeling from the shock, and so deal with many things from an emotional point of view, rather than an angry one. He pays for the child, sees her reguarly etc, but the situation with me is the same- He is frosty, business-like and almost contemptous. I have been wiped out, practically overnight, and I still struggle with that a great deal.
I also- (and I know I shouldn't)tortue myself that this woman is happily accepting his version of events, his version of our history and she now has me down as some troublesome ex, who couldn't accept the facts and so used her as an outlet for my anger. I simply can't believe that, regardless of what she's being told- she isnt at least weary of a man who left his partner and newborn child on a whim. I consume myself with thoughts about whether or not they will last, and if he will ever be remorseful for how he has behaved. An untterly pointless activity, I know.

If I have to deal with him for the next 18 years, I need to feel differently about him.
What I hope for now, as my title suggests, is to get to a stage where I can view him with indifference, and to for him to become to me, what I am to him..
Sorry for the epic rant!

[escape]

you know what,
you hae written a particularly eloquent post, I read it all, you are corret, you have a great deal of emotion al intelligene - but y oerwheling response is to tell you that you are so uh better off without him

[escape]

sorry pingu, keys issing

[chocolatespiders]

you will move on

i have been split from ex for 2.5 years, i was like you trying to piece together a story, but you have to try and let it go for your own sake you have to accept that you may never get the truth, it will drive you amd to go over and over it,

my ex has now married the other women, and i still have a hope that one day he may come and tell me exactly what went on during our split, If he doesnt then so what, i am a much better person now...

concentrate on yourself and baby, and stay strong, be kind to yourself..

he does not deserve someone as nice as you, and you do not deserve someone as horrid as him

[pinguthepenguin]

thanks for the replies, just realised what a farking long post that was...wont be surprised if people can't be arsed to read it!

[jennypenguin]

Feeling for you pingu, know what you're going through so lots of hugs sent your way

[KristinaM]

I'm so to read your story. he has behaved very badly. i hope in time you will meet someone better

[Buda]

Hi pingu - yes it was long but, as escape says, very eloquent.

He is behaving they way he is with you because he feels guilty. He knows full well what he did was wrong and how he is treating you after being together so long, is just plain wrong. So he has convinced himself that it was not going to work out and he was unhappy. Then he can rationalise that you are the baddie and he can con himself into feeling better.

It may not seem like it now but in the end you will be stronger for it all and will have more than him. You will have your DD. He will never have the strong relationship that he should have with his child. So he loses out bigtime.

Will you stay in UK or move back to Ireland do you think?

[macdoodle]

A well written post and I would guess so familiar in many ways to many of us here...like you I have remained amicable for sake of children but it is so hard...I also have been painted the lunatic ex who confronted the OW just trying to get the truth
I can say it gets easier but the hurt is still there..it just gets easier to deal with..you are doing amazingly well chin up girl you are doing the right thing

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks for replies girls, I really appreciate another viewpoint.
Buda- I would like to go home I think, but I have a good job here and as the job situation at home is pretty poor, I don't think I could face living there until I could find one of a similar/equal position. I kinda feel like my job could give me back a sense of purpose/direction- I'm still on mat leave at the minute (this isn't how I envisaged spending it tbh!), so I'm going to see how it goes. I've no other family here, which is hard, cos although I have friends, you need family around with a baby don't you?

Anyway, as some of you say, I did kind of think it was guilt making him as hostile as he is- although some days I do wonder. Why do you think he refuses to admit it had anything to do with the ow? Surely he wouldn't care what I thought at this point- his respect levels for me are at zero as it is.

Also, as I said, my new favourite pastime (sad) is wondering whether the hell it will work out with her. I just feel so crap at the minute, and I'm ashamed to say the only pleasure I get is hoping it'll all go wrong for him, and that one day he'll be faced with the full reaslisation of what he's done.
This woman has a child (thats so hard to swallow, given that he left his own, and I just can't believe that she would be willing to make a go of things with a person who did what he did. I know he'll be presenting a very skewed version of the facts to her, and I've already shown myself in a 'poor light' as it were, by going around to her house- but even so- would you be suspicious of a man who had just had a newborn? no matter what you were being told?

[LazyLinePainterJane]

I know it seems odd to you, pingu, but imagine all the things he could have told her. Maybe he lied and said that you cheated, it could be anything. He won't have wanted to make himself look bad to her and he obviously feels guilty so he would say ANYTHING.

She must be pretty lonely I guess.

[dooley1]

just read your post. You poor poor thing , what a terrible thing to have happened and how deceitful of her and him

I know it's a cliche but time is a great healer. I fell head over heels for a bloke at uni. I was obsessed with him, thought about him all the time etc etc and he ended up with my best mate (now married and with kids). I know it's not quite the same but it took ages to get over him, I'm sorry to say years, but eventually I did. I don't have any great tips on how to do it but like you I had to see him all the time because of the sitaution we were in - shared house etc. It is true what the others say it is his loss, he is wasting the most important year's of his baby's life being somewhere else with someone else.

[pinguthepenguin]

Lazy, I've thought about that, but you knw, that woman knew me to some degree (we baby sat each other kids once, had lunch etc) I just can't believe she is willing to slot herself into my place, given that she at was at least privy to soem aspects of our lives together- I know I certainly would have trouble doing that. It isn't as if I'm a completer stranger to her?
Both of them are now treating me as a mere outsider- telling me their 'friendship' has nothing to do with me now etc....what a joke. You know, of I didn't talk to other people and get their viewpoint, I could easily get sucked into their way of thinking.
This woman is well educated, plenty of money (bound to impress the ex,- is v.materialistic) and so it surprises me that she is happy to convince herself that she had no part in it. She has actually has convinction in her voice when she says so- like she isn't really kidding herself- but really believes she had no part to play. She, like him- believes that because nothing physical happened, then they did nothign wrong. Forget the fact that they paved the way in every other aspect.

Do you think people can every truly change? I mean he was a difficult person to get along with, quite bossy and manipulative- so do you think he will eventually show that side of himself to her? She doesn't strike me as someone who would tolerate alot of crap

[LazyLinePainterJane]

Then maybe she is just kidding herself, pingu. If she knows you to some degree, maybe she is a bit bowled over by the attention and is pretending subconsciously that some stuff just didn't happen.

As for changing, I think that people can change, but that doesn't mean that he will. The traits that you describe I think are quite difficult to change out of, IYSWIM and yes, eventually, when he is off "best behaviour" she will see what he is really like. I can't personally see how a relationship like that can last.

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks for the reply Lazy.

I keep telling myself it wont last because no matter they're telling themselves, the reality is- the relationship they have now is built on the misery caused to me and my child.

I have another question and wouldn't mind knowing what other women do in these situaitons.
He has the baby today- and when I called to find out how she was, he said he was in a park with her. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't take her to a park, miles away with a small baby on a freezing day. I highly suspect that she was there too, possibly with her child. It makes me ill to thinkof him playing happy families with her, when he sees her once/twice a week. The rational part of me thinks - 'let them get on with it', the baby won't be in any danger and what can I do about it anyway?
The other, more emotionally-wrought part thinks- this is about whats right and wrong, and it's too soon for them to be doing that. I haven't even come to terms with the situation yet. I also have been extremely amicable with the exp- agonising over where to spend my xmas so that he gets to see the baby etc, letting him have her whenever he wants. I'm always considering his feelings (sad, I know), yet seemingly, I dont cross his mind at all.
He's due to bring her back in half and hour. What should I do? Ask him outright, then have a go? or just leave it/accept it?

Opinions appreciated

[LazyLinePainterJane]

Thing is, bringing it up now won't make any difference and will only end up making you angry.

Have a think about how you want things to be in the future. They might split up, but they might get married and be together forever, in which case, her child will be the step-sibling of your child. Not allowing them to see each other is impractical. Plus, you can't control what they do when you are not there, he could lie to you and go somewhere else, you will be constantly worrying about what they are doing and if he is going against your wishes.

Do you have any sort of official custody ruling? Or have you just decided how often he sees your child between yourselves?

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi lazy

I started a new thread, because, unfortunately- I couldn't help myself and asked him if she was there with the baby. He happily admitted she was, which kills. The thing is, I'm not actually looking to stop them from seeing each other- it's just that it's only been 2 weeks since I got the truth about their relationship, and I just feel that allowing me to adjust, you know a little sensitivity as her mother, is not alot to ask for.

[Monkeytrousers]

It is very common for the person who has been cheating to act like the one who has been cheated - they know what they have done is devesatating, but can;t think of themselves as bad people, so make up stories, to the point of, like you describe, rewriting your relationship histoy; it's at this point that the lie "I never really loved you" comes out, but it is a lie, and I am glad you have the strength to see it.

This is all laid out in chapeter 6 of this book. Maybe you should get it for him as a fairwell pressie for xmas!

I think you are right about their relationship being started on shaky ground - as he is acting so badly, it must mean that he is crippled by guilt - paradoxically.

But whatever, he is her problem now. I know it must all be so raw for you now, and the humilation might be worse to bear than the the actual infidelity - but you are winning by rising above it.

Every time he lashes out at you, just remind yourself that he is doing it becasue he can't care the guilt of being such a bastard.

[Monkeytrousers]

can't bare the guilt I mean - sorry, tons of typos!

[pinguthepenguin]

Thats reassuring to hear Monkey. (Sad isn't it- that I'm so consumed with the thought that he must feel guilty, he simply has to. It's almost like I've told myself that if he does, then he is human after all- and I didn't just waste 3 years of my like on such an emotionally bankrupt fucker.

[LazyLinePainterJane]

Oh Pingu, I'm so sorry that you have to be in this situation

[KristinaM]

of course he feels bad, thats why he has to distort the truth, so he can live with himself

you have no idea what he has told the OW..........for all you know he has said the baby isnt his and he tried to make it work, but you still went on cheating on him etc etc

or that you are violent or mentally ill or have a drink / drug problem, or that you are gay
( no offence intended to anyone who is IYSWIM)

you could eat yourself up worrying about all the possibilities and you need that energy to get on with your new life

[pinguthepenguin]

Katrina

I realise he is, of course distorting the truth- I don't think though, that he will be saying anything along the lines of cheating- but certainly that I am unhinged/clingly whatever he can to rubbish my character

Tosser.

[Bumpkinzz]

I just want to give you a huge hug xxx
I'm in a similar situation , just found out I'm pregnant at 36 to a complete selfish lying cheating w anchor. Your posts have helped me today I've just found this web site , I've been crying for days and actually took an over dose and cut my wrists two days ago, I woke up in a blood filled bath with not much recollection ............. I don't want to high jack this thread but thank you for sharing, I'm so lost right now and want to kill the bastard.

[PirateInaPeartree]

bumpkinz

we are all here for you, I swear. Keep with us sweetie.
x

[pinguthepenguin]

Bumpkins

I just wanted to acknowledge your post. This is a terrible time for you...and you need support. Is there anyone you can turn to, family etc?