Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

[OracleInaCoracle]

tbh, it sounds like you have already become involved with him.

i think it can develop into something more serious but (IME) only through issued ultimatums. when are you seeing him next?

[tetti]

I dk yet,he left mine this morning,so I guess probably sometime later in the week maybe.
I fear though that by issuing any ultimatums so early on,he'll just run!
When I met my ex we slept together on the first night,but then we moved in together 3 weeks later and split up 12 years down the line (although I don't want to get THAT heavy!lol).He told me it was only sex and lust in the beginning,and I reckon that's the case in the beginning of most relationships,you just never know where it's going to end up.
I think the difference here is that he said from the outset that he does not want commitment.

I'd be well happy to see him a couple of times a week,I don't want to tie him down in the way that I want to get hitched or anything like that at all,I'd just really would like to be exclusive and know that he'll stick around for a while!
I'd hte to discuss these worries w him though,as it's nothing worse than a needy woman clinging onto a guy when they've just met,that's a recipe for disaster.
It's a tricky one...

[OracleInaCoracle]

god, no dont get heavy yet! just enjoy it for what it is at the mo!

[OverMyDeadBody]

I would advicse you to keep your distance as far as feelings are concerned, and not to read anything into the fact that he is talking to you loads or that you are sharing cuddles after sex.

As far as he is concerned you have already both established that it is just casual sex, so he's relaxed and being himself, just try to do the same, enjoy it for what it is!

If you find yourself getting emoptionally attached, call it off.

[skeletonbones]

If he never called back how would you feel? not saying this is going to happen obviously, but i think its a good way to judge if your getting too emotionally involved IYSWIM.
if you would shrug, think, 'shame that was fun, but its his loss' and happily move on with only a few regretfull pangs fair enough but if you would be sat up all night crying and eating icecream and feeling miserable for weeks afterwards then you probably run the risk of getting really hurt.
When I first got back into dating again I had a short fling with a guy who wanted 'just casual' I used to do the whole 'well he said this or did this so he must be falling for me' sort of thing, after a few weeks, he didn't turn up when he said he would come round and didn't answer his phone when i rang. I spoke to him the next day and he said 'well you can't expect any more of me, i don't want a relationship, I'll come round if i feel like it, last night i was too tired and I'm not good at keeping in touch so I didn't bother to phone you and say' I didn't see him again and felt really gutted and sad, well till a few months later and i found out what a tosser he was, but thats a different story
Talk to him and tell him what you want, like you say your not picking out dresses just being honest if he says 'yeah that sounds good' you will know where you stand if he says no, then you can decide what you want to do, keep seeing him on a v casual basis or look for someone else who wants a similar sort of relationship that you do.

[ModestyBlaise]

well if you ask for exclusivity that sounds like a relationship to me which he doesn't want..so you will get hurt

no man is going to say it's casual and exclusive are they?

[electra]

Some people are commitment phobic. How old is this man? Do you know why he doesn't want a relationship? My dh didn't want a relationship when we met and 6 months down the line he had fallen for me. I think it's hard to have sex with somebody in an on going way and for feelings not to develop, even for a man.

[tetti]

I am going to take things as they come,he sent me a txt this eve,so he's not running away yet:-)
He wants to meet my daughter and spend time with us both and get to know her(she's met him before,but doesn't know I am seeing him),so that doesn't sound like a guy who just wants his leg over a couple of times and then bugger off,but one doesn't know.
I told him no anyway,say I don't want for her to get attached to him.
I'll see what happens,but I can tell that he does get more attached every time he sees me,but he wouldn't exactly admit to that,would he? We only just got to know each other properly (well,he noticed me years ago,but then I was in a relationship).
We'll see how it goes,just because he said casual at the beginning doesn't mean he'll never change his mind,you cannot control where your feelings will take you.But if it doesn't happen,it doesn't!

[tetti]

I am going to take things as they come,he sent me a txt this eve,so he's not running away yet:-)
He wants to meet my daughter and spend time with us both and get to know her(she's met him before,but doesn't know I am seeing him),so that doesn't sound like a guy who just wants his leg over a couple of times and then bugger off,but one doesn't know.
I told him no anyway,say I don't want for her to get attached to him.
I'll see what happens,but I can tell that he does get more attached every time he sees me,but he wouldn't exactly admit to that,would he? We only just got to know each other properly (well,he noticed me years ago,but then I was in a relationship).
We'll see how it goes,just because he said casual at the beginning doesn't mean he'll never change his mind,you cannot control where your feelings will take you.But if it doesn't happen,it doesn't!

[electra]

It sounds like he does want more than just sex, certainly. Maybe he's been hurt before so is starting out with caution...

[lou33]

yes it can, i have done it, BUT it mostly doesnt

men can say they want casual and still make you feel like they want more because it makes YOU want more, and they get laid more

so take it slowly and do not think that because he is being sweet it means anything more than sex and fun, unless he tells you something otherwise

if you think you cant keep it as fun then back off now, telling him your feelings have changed and therfore you have to stop seeing him

[tetti]

Spot on Electra,I think that even for a man it is impossible not to have sex in an ongoing way without any feelings developing whatsoever.
I also think that if you only have sex and get up and go,then you know he's only ever after one thing,but if you spend just as much time talking,then maybe there's some hope?
I think he's trying to keep up his guard a little bit,but I can tell he's becoming more and more relaxed around me,which can only be a good thing.
It's not only"Would I miss him if he stopped calling",but it's also,would he miss me,now he's spending more and more time with me?
It's like some people think that men are incapable of having feelings,isn't it?
He's in his mid 20's and I believe he got "hurt" years ago..

When he said he only wanted casual he hadn't got to know me very well,but as time goes on,maybe?The more time you spend w someone,the more attached you get,regardless if you want to or not.

[Dropdeadfred]

Ten years ago I started a 'casual' relationship with a man who definitelly ddn't want a relationship. I had children and he said he could never take on another man child...he also lived 200 miles away from me and used to visit for a weekend once a month (although we spent hours on the phone every night).

We're getting married in July next year having lived together for 8 years and having had a baby together too.

If it's mean't to be it's mean't to be ...(my mum annoyingly said..)
Good Luck!

[tetti]

No,I really cannot stop seeing him,that isn't an option for me.I think initially most relationships start out as casual,but as you get to know eachother they may progress into something more,maybe not.
But why drop someone after you just started seeing eachother?
If months have gone by and nothing has happened,then yes,but not so early on,who commits after 1 week?!(we had flirted badly for 6 months prior to getting together so I ain't throwing in the towel after all that!:-))

[tetti]

Dropdeadfred,you are a living proof that it can happen,and gives me precisely the reason why I shouldn't drop him so soon.
It's like you said,if it's meant to be...
If I give him the space I give him now he may relaise that not all women want to get a wedding dress and babies after just a week or two!lol

[Tinkerbel5]

tetti you dont need to drop him if you are happy with having a bit of fun, yes it can develop into something but then it might not, just dont analyse every little bit of conversation that you both have. I would keep him well away from your daughter until its established that you are going somewhere, he might have told you lots about himself as he finds you comfortable to talk to, its doesnt mean he cant do a runner in the meantime, just have your fun and treat each meeting as the last one so then if you do hear from him afterwards then its a bonus, enjoy yorself

[expatinscotland]

overmydeadbody and skeletonbones speak volumes of sense.

[OverMyDeadBody]

Well by what you have said tetti it doesn't sound like the 'casual' type of sex only relationship I thought you where describing at first! It sounds more like he is just taking things slowly and keeping his guard up a bit to start with, as are you, which is really quite a sensible thing to do! Slowly getting to know a person with no pressure has more chance of developing into something meaningful than full commitment and everything moving really fast from day one!

I agree with your decision for him not to meet your daughter just yet too, very sensible.

[lou33]

i wasnt saying drop him right now, but i think if you are starting to want more from him than was agreed, then you need to tell him, and offer to back off

his reaction will let you know if he wants it to become more serious

you have only known him a week, so be careful that you are sure of your feelings before you do anything, it might be just the euphoria of having a new man and the rediscovery of your libido, and not that you are falling for him

[expatinscotland]

lou also speaks sense.

many people here have much experience of this and are offering a good perspective.

[lou33]

i did it with my exbf, and am now moving into a serious thing with someone it was just casual with, so i can understand where tetti is coming from, but i still stand by what i say

well it worked for me anyway

[tetti]

I think the things with us is that we fancied eachother for ages,he noticed me before my daughter was born(and even remembers my hairstyle etc back then!haha),but I really started to pay attention to him about 6 months ago.

I agree with overmydead body,but not really with Lou,in the sense that you cannot issue ultimatums after just 1 week of properly seeing eachother,not in any kind of relationship,that would really be nipping it in the bud.maybe 4 months down the line or so,but not soo soon.
Thren even a so called serious guy would leg it and think-Help,bunnyboiler alert!!!lol

[Dropdeadfred]

Tetti, don't be false about your feelings but also play it as cool as you can comfortably in these early days....you're right about the bunny boiler bit...!!!

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Whether it's casual or serious doesn't really matter - but what does matter is that it sounds as if he is calling all the shots here and you aren't in charge of your relationship with him.

Stop trying to second guess him and playing these mind games - just talk (neutrally, with no ultimatums) about how it's going. And organise your life so that you're not just waiting for him!

(Sorry, sounds harsher than I meant!)

[ModestyBlaise]

ell whatever it is as soon as you want something it automatically becomes elusive and hard to get