Advice on how to change Ex's contact with DS - sorry long

[IdreamofClooney]

Hi Everyone

I'm having a really crap time with my ex.

He picks up DS from nursery four afternoon's a week. He was meant to have DS all day on his two days off (wed and thur) but is unable to get out of bed in time to collect him before I go to work so I have to pay for DS to be at nursery those mornings. My Ex has been abusive to me and I consider his behavour to be unreasonable and that it is not in the best interests of DS to be with his Dad as often as he is based on the following:

Ex is not reliable (fails to turn up as is asleep) so far the nursery has been able to keep him for extra time but this may not always be the case. This has happened on four separate occassions.

Ex does not have a suitable home environment for DS - he has no toys, books, bed etc for DS in his home. He spends his time with DS basically roaming the streets and refuses to attend sessions at the library or soft play as "boring"! which leads onto

Ex frequnetly has no money at all so turns up at my work to ask for money

Ex smells very stongly of booze constantly - when I see him at lunch time and at 5.15 when he drops DS off - is stale booze but is very noticable on his breathe

Ex frequently does not change DS's nappy all day - when I take DS home he is often wearing the nappy that was put on him at nursery before Ex collected him at 11.45 meaning he has had the same nappy on for 7 hours.

Ex has been verbally abusive to me and says that I am "intolerant" as I have told him I am unhappy with his behaviour. I really do not think that it is in DS's best interests to be wandering the streets with an extremely hung over Ex with no money and would rather that DS was in nursery full time with Ex seeing him one afternoon only and that afternoon on the proviso that he had not been drinking so heavily the night before that he could knock DS out with his breath.

Unfortunatly I have no idea how I can change the current arrangements. The nursery are not willing to even confirm to me the days aht Ex was late - I didn;t note them all down and phoned the nursery to ask for the info to support the case I am going to make and was told they do not have that info which I thought was odd. I was considering asking them about the alcohol thing as it is very noticable so surely they must be aware of it but they seem to be determined to stay well out of it (they wouldn;t even mention his lateness to him - they called me)

It is pretty much my word against Ex's and he is very clever and manipulative - he has already threatned to withdraw the financial support he gives me for DS (he currently owes me hundreds of pounds but most months does pay a couple of hundred to me) and I do want DS to spend time with his Dad but not if it makes my life so hard which it is at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice?

[skeletonbones]

tricky situation. if it was me, I would decide what contact I thought was best for my son and explain to ex that this was going to be the way it was from now on and give your reasons for it. It doesn't sound as if your son is being porpery cared for by your ex and I think most people would completly understand why you wanted to reduce the contact. I guess I would think 'well whats the worst that ex can do if he doesn't like it, go to court where it will be obvious that he is unfit to have lots of contact with your DS when you mention the drinking/not providing approprate things for DS/not changing nappies ect ect'
Also if he threatens to withdraw financial support, could you persue him through the CSA if you currently have a private maintence agreement?

[PurpleOne]

Assuming you are on benefits, make your claim for Legal Aid, go see a solicitor ASAP and get it all in writing what you have said here.
Not changing nappies/stinking of alcohol/unsuitable home environment is totally unreasonable IMVHO and your well within your rights to change it!

Failing that, go and see the helpful chappies and chapesses at the Citizens advice bureau

Keep a diary of all things that happen that you don't approve of. If he don't like it...kick his ass into court and let the judge decide.

[jennypenguin]

You don't need to be on benefits to qualify for legal aid, just need to earn less than about £750 per month i think.
Definately agree with keeping a diary.
Good luck!

[IdreamofClooney]

Thanks everyone

I've tried to keep a note of things as best as I can as I think that it will be useful if push comes to shove.

I want to go to the CAB but can never get through to make an appointment!

I don;t think I would qualify for legal aid as I work full time and I do earn more than £750 per month and there is no way I can afford legal fees as I struggle financially anyway.

The whole situation is so crap - sometimes I wish that Ex had just disappeared as I think that would be better for DS than wandering the streets with a hungover dad with no money!

Tell me it will get better

[skeletonbones]

It will get better, how long have you been split? often if the absent parent is umm 'not very good' can't think of a more neutural way to put it, they may wish to reduce contact themselves over time when other more interesting things come up, and it doesn't sound as if your ex is putting your lad first in his life or making much effort.

Have you brought up reducing contact before and he's been against it/hostile about it? Maybe you could sugar coat it a bit and say 'you seem really tired and I've been told that youve been late to pick up (son) a few times, are you finding it hard to juggle worrk and contact? how about if we put (son) in nursery a bit more, then he can play with his friends and you can really enjoy the contact you get with him and have lots of fun together. Remember that if you reduce contact and your ex doesn't like it if he works also and wants to take the matter to court he will have to pay too, and if hes complaining of 'no money' and turning up to your work for some that might well put him off wanting to go, and he might moan and mutter 'see you in court' at you but find out how expensive it will be for him too if he actually looks into it.

[jennypenguin]

Try just going to the CAB and waiting til they can see you. I know sometimes it can be a long wait but i went a few weeks ago and was seen straight away.

[controlfreaky2]

you dont have to go to court unless its because he makes an application for the court to make a contact order.....or unless there's already an order for contact which you want to change...... as said above, decide what you want to happen, tell him in writing, with reasons and see what he does..... he may just accept it!
does he have parental responsibility for ds? if not and there is no contact order you can tell nursery he is only allowed to collect ds from them with you permission. if he's going to be a complete arse /or if he takes you to court for contact you may want to apply to court for a residence order, settling that ds lives with you.....
he doesnt sound like someone who is likely to be super efficient at making court applications etc.
good luck. imho you cant let matters carry on as they are, knowing how he is. it sounds too risky / unpleasant for your ds.