My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

If fathers are for football and farting how do I make it attractive for DS to spend time with me?

17 replies

MeMySonAndI · 31/10/2007 20:03

I feel even embarrased to confess this, well.. yeah I'm sad about it

DS has spent the first weekend with his daddy which went amazingly well. They were out and about, DS has got the long awaited bed of her dreams and is raving about it, he is thrilled of having his own bathroom in daddy's house, Dh took him to buy more toys and all in all he had a wonderful time.

On Monday when he returned he said he would preffer to go to DAddy's house. Obviously being a school day we couldn't do much after school and before it was dark, we went to walk the dogs, had dinner, had a bath, read a couple of stories, etc. Yesterday pretty much the same, we cooked something together, chatted a bit, went looking for a toy I had promised for when he finishes filling his star chart, and the same old before bed routine. Obviously, this two days have been far from attractive compared to the party he is having with exh

Unfortunately, my new economic situation doesn't allow me to compete with what exh is offering him. Besides, whereas exh can prepare everything while DS is not with him so he can truly have the day/afternoon totally free to spend with DS, I'm more busy with the day to day things as I don't have as much time on my own to get those things out of the way in order to devote that time to DS.

Any suggestions on how to make it interesting for him to be with me?, it is breaking my heart hearing him say that he would preffer to stay with daddy.

OP posts:
Report
MeMySonAndI · 31/10/2007 20:04

O dam*, I should have change that title of the topic before posting, I'm sure that many fathers are in the same position I am at the moment, so apologies... I didn't mean to offend.

Sorry
Sorry
Sorry

OP posts:
Report
MeMySonAndI · 31/10/2007 20:05

OMG I'm so embarrased... please don't get offended at this

OP posts:
Report
OverMyDeadBody · 31/10/2007 20:38

I wouldn't worry too much about it tbh, this was only the first wkend he's spent at his dads, the novelty will wear off with time.

Don''t try to compete on a material level. What your DS shares with you is far deeper than his relationship with his dad will probably be. Yes it might be boring and mundane sometimes but it is also familiar and routine which children thrive on. You are offering something different, as all resident parents are (dads or mums) than the non-resident parent, and the child benifits from having both of these.

(I'm sure your DS will have boring wkends with his dad sometimes and exciting times with you [smile)

Report
ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 31/10/2007 20:38

Play football.. and fart!

Report
MeMySonAndI · 31/10/2007 20:42

I have tried unfortunately I'm an "intelectual" and I'm far too annal retentive to fart!

OP posts:
Report
MeMySonAndI · 31/10/2007 20:43

Thank you, OMDB.

I really hope you are right, the teacher said today that DS has been quiet through out the day .

OP posts:
Report
zmandaz · 31/10/2007 20:49

I think it's really important for children to earn treats rather than just get them handed on a plate and agree that routines are really important as is stability and 100% unconditional love. Don't feel that you have to compete with your ex, let him do his thing and spend all his money. It takes a lot more than that to be a Dad.

Report
MeMySonAndI · 31/10/2007 20:59

Well, he is not a bad dad. Nor do I think I'm a bad mum but he is definitvely funnier than I am...

OP posts:
Report
AMAZINWOMAN · 31/10/2007 21:37

You will always be special to your son, because you are his Mum. You are the one who is there for him every day listening to his stories about school, having his friends for tea etc and that will always make you specail to him

you done need to compete with his dad-youre special to him in a different way

Report
OverMyDeadBody · 31/10/2007 23:12

He's bound to be a bit quiet, I imagine it's a pretty major thing going and staying with your dad for the first time. He just needs time to adjust and take it all in and process it. Let him know you're there if he wants to talk to you but give him space (so e.g. don't keep asking him if he's alright etc.) and I'm sure he'll be back to his old self soon!

How old is your DS btw?

Report
MeMySonAndI · 01/11/2007 23:07

He is 4. And lovely, and after staying with daddy last night he was a bit disapointed when I went to collect him from school this afternoon. He said he didn't want to stay with me but with Daddy... although latter confessed that it was because of the bed! (why on Earth did I suggested DH to get that bed in particular? I wanted to give him something to look forward for the stay at daddys and it has backfired on me! But at least he ahs something to distract him from the fact we are separating )

OP posts:
Report
BernieBear · 02/11/2007 07:45

I feel the same way as you. Ds's Dad is "loads of fun" does all the great stuff and is on hand completely during ds's weekends with him. Whereas I, like you, have the daily chores and grind to deal with as well as running a business.

My way of dealing with it was to put aside specific times of the week (in my case Tuesday afternoons and Thursday afternoons - easier at the moment as ds is not at school yet) to go out and do special stuff together. It may be just a trip on the train or swimming or whatever, but those are the times that no matter what state the house is in or how busy my work is/how much ironing there is, we just close the door on it/switch my phone off and do stuff together. Also it doesn't have to cost much, a trip to a different park is another idea.

This again is routine, and once your ds is used to the routine it won't seem quite so hard to deal with. It also means there are not distractions during that time and alleviates some of the worry that I have about not being the "fun" parent.

Sorry if this is not much help - but your post rang some bells for me.

x

Report
yerblurt · 02/11/2007 20:27

Sounds like son had a great time at dads, it's good that he has a sense of a daddy's house and a mummy's house and that BOTH of his parents are involved in his life, keep promoting that post-separation and son will hopefully grow up to be a well balanced child who knows that BOTH of his parents are there for him and both love him.

It's not a competition and sometimes kids say things that sound insensitive but they're just caught up in the moment.

Why don't you and the ex have something to aim for in the near future - that son spends a night or so mid-week, that way:

  • son doesn't go so long from seeing dad (and the associated highs and lows that go with that)
  • son sees that BOTH mum and dad are capable of doing the "boring routine" things in life (which are actually very important) such as the school run, sorting out homework, bedtime stories, getting to know the teachers
  • men and women can both contribute positively and in their own unique ways for the benefit of the child , the DfES has recognised this with a publication which reported that a dad's involvement in children's education is ADDITIONAL and INDEPENDENT of mum's... i.e. both parents both influence positively a child's educational attainment.


  • plus, it gives YOU a bit of a break mid-week, meaning that you can do some things for yourself, go out, do your interests, sleep (!), plus the benefits of son looking forward to seeing you.


  • son doesn't learn gender stereotypes - that mum is 'just' there to do the 'routine' things and that dad is 'just' there to do the 'fun' things.


how about it? suggest some mid-weeks.

my daughter is in a shared care arrangement and she really enjoys and benefits from it, she's well ahead in her developmental milestones, loves both her mum and dad and looks forward to spending her time at both mums and dads. Plus I get to know about her schoolwork and help her out with things that mum is not so good at, and vice versa.
Report
MeMySonAndI · 03/11/2007 09:38

Berniebear, that is an excellent idea, I was planning to have an activity a day with him but with the darker nights by the time we arrive home after school we only have half an hour before it's dark. But concentrating in a couple of days seems easier, both in terms of the things that have to be done in a daily basis and from the economic point of view. Thank you

Yerblurt, we agreed that exdh would take DS to school 4 times a week, I would collect him mostly every day with the exception of Wednesdays when DS goes to stay at Daddy's. And then we alternate weekends that go from Friday evenings to Monday mornings. We are in our first week so still with some teething problems. An additional one is that exDH travels a lot so the arrangement is going to be modified in a regular basis, I just hope DS doesn't find those changes too upsetting

OP posts:
Report
Sixer · 03/11/2007 23:29

A Torch. Give him a torch whilst walking the dog. Boys love them.

Report
MeMySonAndI · 04/11/2007 12:30

Perhaps I should give him the dogs and hand the dogs myself!

Good idea!

OP posts:
Report
MeMySonAndI · 04/11/2007 12:30

sorry, give him the torch

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.