what do i tell my daughter about her father

[cisan]

bit sordid but my daughter was a result of an affair - we were both married at the time. My marriage has obviously broken down and the father told me to have an abortion and wants nothing to do with me or my daughter. I don't want to force the issue as I don't think it's fair to ruin his marriage and affect his other children when they have done nothing wrong. My problem is what do I tell my daughter when she's older? Thinking of saying she was conceived through artificial semination! Any people in similar situation with any ideas?

[hertsnessex]

i think she will need the truth.

[popsycal]

I agree

[cisan]

he has already said he will deny all knowledge. Not sure what affect knowing your father wanted you dead will have on the poor child

[TotalChaos]

don't tell her about the suggested abortion, tell her the rest of it though.

[hertsnessex]

hhhmmm, tricky, but you are holding all the cards. and dna would prove he was her dad.

i think something along the lines of " we loved each other very much, but ouldnt be together, and have lost contact now" would be enough early on.

make a diary/keep info on where he lives etc so when she gets to 18/? she can make contact and a more thorough explanation given then.

[TellusMater]

Well, I have never asked for details.

Probably because my mum married when I was 4 and he has been my dad ever since, so no gap to fill IYSWIM.

But if I had asked, I would have wanted the truth.

My mum kept various things, including photos etc, and told me that if I wanted to see them, she would show me and tell me what I wanted to know. I wonder if she still has them...

[cisan]

That sounds lovely and is so simple - thanks. Thought it was going to be easy but even my 4 year nephew is asking questions and saying she has to have a dad!!!

[Paulatwinmum]

i am in the same situation. i came out of a long term relationship and started seeing a man at work-ended up pregnant with twins. he told me on 3 separate occasions he wanted to be a dad then left each time. he then used to walk past me in the corridor - or should i say around me couldnt even look at me. he has never given me any money or offered any help. i used to get the abusive phone calls when he was drunk but he must have got bored with that.

my DD's are 16 months now and i dread the day when they ask. i wont know where to start either....

[Paulatwinmum]

i am in the same situation. i came out of a long term relationship and started seeing a man at work-ended up pregnant with twins. he told me on 3 separate occasions he wanted to be a dad then left each time. he then used to walk past me in the corridor - or should i say around me couldnt even look at me. he has never given me any money or offered any help. i used to get the abusive phone calls when he was drunk but he must have got bored with that.

my DD's are 16 months now and i dread the day when they ask. i wont know where to start either....

[cisan]

it's not nice is it? can't imagine how she's gonna feel when she goes to school and everyone talks about their dads. even if divorced they still have a 'dad' to talk about

[SSSandy2]

cisan I think you are letting the dad off a bit too easily.It's one thing not to want to ruin a marriage but your dd has a right to know who her dad is too I think.

Sure it's messy and hard on you and dd but there was nothing "sordid" about her conception.

I think she should know his name. My dad is called Brian Williams or whatever.

I'd say maybe something like we were together because we cared a lot about each other, he was very special because he made me laugh or (list anything nice and truthful) and I'm so glad that we came together because now I have you. After a while we stopped being friends, that sometimes happens and so we aren't together any more.

THe earlier she is confronted with it the more accepting she may be however at some stage she will say she wants to see him.

Could she not have paternal grandparents in her life at least?

[FionaJT]

Hi, I'm in the same position and my dd (2.8)is now starting to talk about Daddy quite a bit, and is asking questions - does she have one, what is his name, where is he etc. I'm trying to be as truthful as possible/appropriate - she hasn't got to asking why questions yet, but I have always intended to tell her that he just didn't want to be a Daddy (true, he is - or was anyway - single with no other kids).
It's really hard, though - she's very aware that other childrens' Daddies pick them up from nursery, and we usually holiday with friends/family who have kids of a similar age so she sees what it's like having 2 parents.

[madamez]

Truthful but diplomatic is the way to go. Lies, however benign, will come back and bite you later, and telling her what a bastard he is/was may do her harm (she is, after all, half him and may reason that she's at least half-bastard).

[mogs0]

My ds is 5 and has been asking lots of questions about his Dad. The man in question told me that he didn't want another child and I should terminate the pregnancy. I told him that I was keeping the baby and as far as I know he moved to Australia before ds was born. Ds knows that he has a dad and that he lives in oz. However, I'm a little concerned that now he has this info and knows that he has a dad that he's expecting to see him sometime soon so I'm now thinking what next to tell him.

I believe honesty the best policy. So far, ds just asks questions like "do I look like him" or "what colour are my Daddy's eyes". These questions are all easy to answer but I'm a little worried about him asking why he doesn't see him or other trickier questions.

Thank goodness for MN for advice and support!!!

[beller]

Hmmm its a difficult one, and a dilemna im faced with too. Im 26 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend wanted me to have a termination, but i wouldnt. I havent seen him for over 2 months, but he has been in contact..I suppose there is a small chance he may come round when the baby is born? If not, I will tell him/her the truth...well as much as possible early on.