Am I being unreasonable or is ex h ?

[stripeytiger]

Ok, will try and keep this short but basically,

Divorced and have two children living with me aged 6 and 4. Ex h has them every other weekend and has done for last 18 months or so since I left him. He never, ever offers or expresses any wish to have them any more than his regimented weekends. I have always tried to be flexible, i.e if he asks to swap weekends for some reason or any other change of plans I always say, yeh fine not a problem. However if I ever ask him to have the children an extra night or similar he never obliges. He now lives with his girlfriend which is about 45 miles away. We used to meet on a Friday at a venue of his choice which is about 30 miles for me to travel and 15 miles for him, he says that his route is busier etc so it takes him just as long!! He is in the Navy and now got a job in Plymouth which is only about 15 miles away, so on a Friday, he no longer travels any distance, I drive the children to his place of work so I am still travelling and he sits at work waiting for them to be delivered. On the Sunday afternoon he then expects me to drive to the previous collection/drop off point which is a 60 mile round trip for me and about 30 for him. I sent an email last week, kept it very pleasant but suggested that we find a venue a bit nearer to me etc or as an alternative said that maybe on a Friday he would like to collect the children from school (he can easily get off early as he is very senior etc) and that the children would love it and would be nice for him to show his face at the school (so far never, ever collected the children from school). I said if he did that on the 2 Fridays a month then I would be happy to collect from usual place on the sunday, which I think is pretty reasonable. Anyway, he didn't reply to my email, I texted on Friday am to see what he intended to do and he claimed he hadn't seen the email and couldn't get off early so could I drop to children to his work, which I duly did. We didn't discuss sunday collection arrangements, so I thought I would get an answer to my email over the weekend. Nothing came so I texted on sunday afternoon saying see at new venue etc etc. Again I kept the text very pleasant. He duly turned up in a huge mood with a face like thunder. DD was dressed in her school uniform, when I inquired why he snapped that I hadn't provided a change of clothes (both children have a large amount of clothes which are kept with him), he then barely said goodbye to the children, turned on me and said he wasn't driving to this venue again (only an extra 5/6 miles). I said then you will have to do as most dads do then if you wish to see your kids and pick them up and drop them home. Things got a bit heated and as usual after he was gone I got upset. Called in to see my auntie on way home and it transpired that he hadn't given the children any tea, and hadnt thought to tell me! After 6 pm at this point.

Basically he only has the kids to keep up appearances with his family and I am sick of him trying to control me like this. He never rings the children when he doesn't see them. The next time he is due to have them will be the first weekend in October because of a change (that he instigated). I am not going to contact him and am not prepared to travel anywhere anymore, if he wants to see the children he can come and collect them. I am thinking of getting a mediator or solictor to sort this out as I am sick of it. He is in an extremely well paid job (earns in region of 80k per year), I am not working at the moment, but trying to find some work to fit in around school hours but as most mums know, jobs Mon - Fri 10 am - 2 pm are rare.

He never has the children during any of the school holidays except the summer, when he has them for about a week and his parents for another week.

Sorry this is so long, but I would really appreciate any views on this. I think I am being extremely reasonable to the point of being a mug?

[Surfermum]

Sounds to me like you are being very reasonable. In 7 years dh's x has picked up dsd from us once, and dropped her twice and that's because she was literally up the road. Dh has a 3 hour round trip to collect dsd, and he does this at the end of a really busy week when he has driven hundreds of miles and is knackered. It wouldn't occur to him not to do it as it means he is seeing his dd.

As for contact, we have every other weekend and half the school holidays. We have picked dsd up for half term to be told by her mum "oh you might as well keep her all week, I'm going on holiday. It meant swapping days at work and arranging holiday club at short notice, but we did it.

[rantinghousewife]

I can really sympathise with you, have been in the same predicament myself. And now ds is a teen and I've done all the hard work, he now wants to see him regularly
I would go for mediation because at least then, you will be able to feel that you have tried to sort it out for the sake of the dcs. You may still have to accept that he's a waste of space as a father but, you will have done the best you could in their interests.
This goes without saying but, I'm still going to say it. Never, ever bad mouth him to the dcs.

[Tinkerbel5]

yes you are being a mug (nice one ), but it seem now that you wont put up with it any longer which I agree with, you dont have to drop the children off and pick them up that is for him to do as part of his access, if he isnt prepared to do the leg work then he doesnt really want to see them at all and yes it does seem like he has them just to keep up appearances.

agree with you about mediation.

[Dropdeadfred]

i wouldn't want him to have the children if he only has them for appearances

[stripeytiger]

Thanks for your responses, its always good to get other objective opinions on issues like this.

Any of the evening crowd got any other thoughts? Thanks.

[stripeytiger]

bump

[Debra1981]

ditto again you have been very reasonable, doing your best for your children- he clearly has not. bit concerned about the clothes and dinner thing. i'd factor that into any mediation and get him to agree to provide for his children everything they need while theyre with him. i'd expect a dad who wasnt working to do so, let alone someone on that kind of money.