Why do I bother?

[glitterfairy]

Forced myself to speak to my X last night (first time in well over two years) as my youngest dd was so rude to him and cruel saying she did not want to see him ever again on the phone.

My humanity took over and I phoned to say I would sort it out only to get the usual threat of court and its all my fault stuff. He was threatening me again with proceedings and saying I was putting the kidss up to this and I had said I was shocked at what she had said.

I pointed out that I had made an effort to actually phone and say I would sort it instead of email as I realised how out of order it was and to say it was a blip as well. I think she is little and angry at him adn trying to sort her emotions out. We had discussed everything on Sunday and I had said your dad has another point of view and one day you may come to understand him more. I was trying to be considerate and even handed even though in my heart that is hard because of his violence and bad behaviour to the kids as well as me.

I have been told that he has no empathy and no ability to understand another point of view by my counsellor and also by others involved in the children but somehow I cannot refuse my own nature of trying to help. I may as well have been talking to myself though although he did end up thanking me after the threats and my refusal to accept them. I wont do that again in future just soldier on in silence.

I am sick of trying to be balanced and although he has been told I am not influencing the kids and even that he is being paranoid it doesnt wash. I know that with his personality I should not think about his feelings but I am human and not a bad person and cant help myself.

Sorry just venting here. It was awful hearing his voice and I couldnt breathe.

[BidingMyTime]

What a fab Mum you are. My Mum did the same for us - was even-handed, kind and considerate, in the face of sometimes appalling behaviour. I know who my role-model is .

You have just been good to your ex. OK, for your children's sake. Now, it is time to be kind to yourself. You have done the right thing, so reward yourself - a bath, a new top, book, time on MN?

[glitterfairy]

Thank you BidingmyTime. So much else is going on for me at the moment that I was up half the night and could feel my heart thumping whenever I tried to sleep.

I am worried sick about money as he pays next to nothing towards his three kids and I am trying to maintain their lifestyle as best I can. Currently job hunting and moving house as well.

Anyway will go and crawl back to bed and catch up on some sleep this morning hopefully.

[BidingMyTime]

Money worries, moving house and job hunting, plus an ex- acting up. No wonder you head and heart are doing over-time.

I hope you got some sleep.

I do lists to try and down-load my worries and watch rubbish tv or read easy books before going to bed, in the hope of being able to sleep. I doubt it helps much but you're not the only one going through this . Do lean on RL friends and MN - all support helps.

[glitterfairy]

THank you! I really am grateful. off for a snooze now although not too long as I will get used to daily sleep!

[Tinkerbel5]

some men dont think they ever do anything wrong, glitterfairy you have been amicable, but if your daughter feels that strongly about him its obviously for a reason

[glitterfairy]

Perhaps the bruises he inflicted during pulling her along by force might have something to do with it. Could also be the violence towards other family members but the X has behaved much better this year.

I just think she is mixed up about it all and doesnt really understand the mixture of emotions she feels. My eldest doesnt see her father at all by choice (also she says he has hurt her and humiliated her and funnily enough I believe her). I think they are very young to take all of this in and it will take time and loads of patience to sort out.

[Tinkerbel5]

awwww sounds like she is very hurt and angry and she has every right to be, cant bleieve the cheek of your ex to threaten you with court

[glitterfairy]

LOL Tinkerbel5 I dont take his threats too seriously anymore but the kids do.They loathed the whole process whihc went on for nearly two years and frankly was agony for them.

[Debra1981]

glitterfairy, well done, i think you just did what your caring instincts told you, it's so horrible having to speak to them i know, but i hope your girls really appreciate your strength, fairness and humanity, maybe not yet, but when they're old enough to understand better.

[glitterfairy]

Yes my sister told me off for it though and gave me a right lecture. I need to stop trying to rescue his relationship wiht his children though it is up to him to mend bridges not me and I need to support the kids when it doesnt work.