Ok they're coming tomorrow...what was the plan again??

[flightattendant]

Ex-P. and his two older kids (14 and 11) are coming tomorrow morning to see the new baby (now 11 days old). I'm very nervous.

I havent't seen the man since April when I had him round to try and explain his rotten behaviour when we were together (ditched him last November and he's been on at me for another chance since). Needless to say, no decent explanation was forthcoming...he'd had 'other pressures' which made him be a prick. . He did apologise, but that ain't enough.

The other day he asked me what he's supposed to have done that was so bad I had to dump him. I started saying 'there were so many things' and he quickly shut up, seemed to accept it ('ok, ok...') but I still feel like he wants to believe I made it all up just so I could have a great pregnancy all on my own!!! and have to rely on my parents! Yup, shucks I've been sussed...

Anyway they are coming between 9 and 11am (not sure when or how long)
I'm sending DS1 to Grandma's up the road, because I don't want him having anything more to do with Ex-P. (rather DS2 didn't either but have no choice in the long run, really).
What is the drill? Obviously I'm getting no sleep and finding it hard to cope already, especially with this little clan on my case (his mother has been a right bullying cow this week) but what if DS needs a feed, what if he's asleep, I mean, sure, they'll want to see him and hold him etc. but he's a tiny newborn fgs and I can't predict what he'll need.
I don't plan to feed in front of them or wake him if he's asleep, so what does that leave, do I just have to make conversation with them? I don't know if I can tbh.

Hoping this visit will be a one off especially if it's as tricky as I think it might be.
What does everyone else do in this situation?

[flightattendant]

Oh and do your DC's all see your ex, even if he wasn't all their dads? (if that makes sense...) as I'm not sure how to explain to DS1 that ex-p is coming and he won't be seeing him.

(DS1 was confused by ex-p who used to tease him till he cried, but pretended to be nice...says he 'misses' him, but also has nightmares...god I hate the bastard)

[PersonalClown]

Having lurked on your other thread, I'd recommend having someone there, a friend or one of your parents, just in case things turn ugly(not that they will) or if it starts to overwhelm you.
You had a baby less than 2 weeks ago. You need support not stress.

[flightattendant]

...and if I make the visits hard, I have a feeling his mother will try and pressure him into going for access etc. away from me...so she can be in charge. She's very interfering, very pushy and patronises me like crazy...even demanding to be DS1's 'Grandma' as well...

So I need to keep it sweet iyswim.

[flightattendant]

Thanks, Xposts! I know, good idea but 1) he will probably accuse me of 'spoiling' their visit if I have someone else present, and 2) there isn't anyone available...mum and dad will be having DS1. Trying to think of someone else...

[makemineadouble]

How about you arrange to meet in the park for a little walk around? least its public lots of distactions for older kids and you will feel more in control if things go sour you could always say "i have to go home now to feed and change baby"?? did you meet other kids before? do you get on with them?

[j20baby]

hmm, maybe have to be somewhere not long after they arrive so they can't stay long. why can't he come alone to see the baby and the other kids can meet him when he's a bit older and your a bit more settled?

[flightattendant]

Good idea about the park. The thing is, the older kids are a bit big for swings iyswim, though we could have a walk and they could push the pram etc. so will keep that in mind. (we might need to get out of the house I think!)
I offered him the chance to come over the other day, without them, but he made an excuse not to. I think he was scared perhaps? Not sure why.
I think he just wants to hide behind the children so I can't say anything about his past behaviout...not that I was going to, it's not worth discussing and the visit is for him to see DS, not about us. (unless he still hopes to get back with me? Please no)
I do really like his older kids, only met them a few times but they're nice (if a bit downtrodden). So I'm happier to see them than to see him, if that makes sense.

Yes, I'm sure he's hiding behind them.

[PersonalClown]

Oooh Like NurseryJo's idea. That way he can't blame you for 'spoiling' his visit.
Just have them pop round in a 'Wanted to see how you were doing/anything you need while I'm down the shops' kind of way.

[flightattendant]

Would it be best to be really nice, or pretty cold...I want him ultimately to not want to come.
I know not to play his mind games, and probably the more I expect him to keep up the visits, the less he will want to.

I mentioned that his mother seemed to want us to get back together because we had a child, and he said, 'I don;t think that's a great reason to, do you?' like he was a bit scared I might consider it! So maybe I should pursue him about trying again, and moving in with him see how fast he runs.

[flightattendant]

Yup great idea about the friend 'popping' round!! Brilliant. I'll see if my mate is around.

[makemineadouble]

so strange that you said you think he is hiding behind the other kids I thought just that but did'nt say coz I could'nt think why

is he ashamed to see you because of how he's treated you?

[flightattendant]

I do think it'll be boring for them with a newborn and they'll be glad of an excuse to leave. he never liked me meeting his kids anyway, I was too messy

[makemineadouble]

for your behaviour..I'd be very cool but polite totally in control of you and YOUR baby dont invite him again and if he asks for another meeting tell him you'll think about it and be in touch....then dont so he has to contact you then be busy make it really hard..

[flightattendant]

mmad...I know, it came into my head but I didn't know why either! It reminds me of DS1's dad, who would always try to bring the kids, I think because 1) I still wanted to be with him and would sometimes get upset or ask about that aspect - he didn't want to talk about it, fair enough - so I couldn't mention it when they were there.
And 2) yes, I think he knows I'm quite assertive about his behaviour towards me, and doesn't want to come here and get earbashed about that. So if they are present I'll have to pretend we're still hunky dory (or at least get on) when really I want to throw poo at him

It also makes him look better if I'm 'nice' - apparently (his mum said) they called him a 'loser' when he told them I was having his baby. So true...

[flightattendant]

Good plan about making him do the running. I think he's one of these who'll be glad to escape...DS1's dad waited till I got really fed up (he'd been lying to me about all sorts) and I asked for a break for 2 weeks...I rang him after and he wouldn't come again, never saw him after that and apparently it was all my fault for making it difficult...Ok with me if it means he buggers off!

[makemineadouble]

oh that was a bit harsh! do you think they really said it or is she just causing trouble

[makemineadouble]

If he really loves and wants to be part of this babies life nothing you do will put him off? but I have the feeling he's coming to please his mother and ease his guilt I dont think he'll be back much

[flightattendant]

Lets hope not...she's very overbearing and will probably make his life a misery about it, but saying that she wants to come by herself and invade us completely as 'the grandma' - she even said it didn't matter when his kids saw the baby, they could wait as she was the 'most important one' !!???!!

I think they really said that. But he is a bit hopeless...always pissed when they visit him. Poor bloke really struggles with commitment...

[makemineadouble]

God you really have picked one lol tell them all your dates were wrong and the baby cant be his...he he

[flightattendant]

Tempting...very tempting! Thanks for your support xx

[makemineadouble]

Let me know how it goes x

[flightattendant]

Thanks sweetie. Well, weirdly they never turned up.

I sat here, DS1 gone to Grandma's, DS2 asleep/feeding on and off, really nervous for the first hour (9-10), then I realised if they were coming they were cutting it fine (I explained that I'd have to go and get DS1 at 11) and relaxed a bit.


Nothing, no phone call, no idea what's going on! So am cautiously celebrating...because if he is so crap about visiting, it lets me off my obligations a little bit iyswim.

Tempted to get annoyed and tell him if he's going to muck us around, he'll have to go through court as I'm not waiting around for him every bloody weekend! But have a feeling it was my eagerness to invite him the other day that has made him so scared? Doesn't want to actually be expected to do anything or be committed...God, perish the thought...

I'm not going to ring him. What should the next step be, any advice?

[Freckle]

Keep a note of all this, that you invited him, he agreed a time, didn't turn up, no phone all to advise, etc.

If later on he decides to be difficult and issue court proceedings, you will have contemporaneous notes of his lack of commitment.

[flightattendant]

Ok, thanks...does it have to be anything special, can I just write it in my diary or in a notebook? I could have made it up iyswim...