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I keep putting xp off whe he asks to come over and see the kids

49 replies

nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:04

It's wrong I know, as they kids do want to see him but I just find it so hard having him here and all he does is sit and talk to me, not do anything with the kids.

He wanted to come over last wednesday but I said no as it was parents evening and we were going to my mums in between appoinments. He was annoyed but I said the plans were already made and so it was tough.
He also wanted to come over last thursday, but dd2 has girls brigade and so I don't see the point if he won't even see her.

I know I am just making excuses though really, but me and the kids are doing fine at the mo, everything is going a bit better, i'm sorting out bills and stuff and applying for jobs, and the kids seem alot more relaxed generally and I don't want him coming over messing it up.

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WigWamBam · 29/01/2007 13:21

You shouldn't let him spend his time with them at your house, I don't think - particularly if he ignores them and only talks to you. Apart from anything else, from your previous threads it only seems to make him think he can get his feet back under the rug again when you let him into your home.

I don't think you should stop him seeing them, but I think it should be away from the home. Get him to take them for a run around in the park, or to the swimming baths or something - so that he's actually doing something with them, not just sitting in the house ignoring them.

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Freckle · 29/01/2007 13:23

I agree. It's a bit lazy of him to come over to see the kids and then just spend the time sitting in your house. He should organise things to do, like taking them to the park, etc.

I dont' blame you wanting to put him off. It's not your home any more with him sitting there as if nothing's changed.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:24

He can't take them anywhere as he has no money, so no ball pool, swimming (although pool is shut anyhow) or anything.

He can take them to the play area if the weather is ok, but he stays about 30 minutes and thats it, then comes back here to sit in the warm.

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puddle · 29/01/2007 13:25

Agree - get him to take them out. Or go out yourself when he comes round - take the opportunity to have some time to yourself.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:25

Last time, he took the to the library but only because I gave him the bus fare for the Dd's which I cannot afford to be doing.

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doggiesayswoof · 29/01/2007 13:29

Agree with others - go out yourself if he can't take them somewhere. Can they visit him where he lives? After all doesn't he realise this is about his relationship with them - not you!

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itsmeNDP · 29/01/2007 13:29

He has no money ? Doesn't he get benefits ? Does he pay you maintenance for the kids ? I don't understand how he has no money

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WigWamBam · 29/01/2007 13:30

If he takes them out somewhere, make it clear that you will be going out for a couple of hours so won't be there to let him in before whatever time you chose. Then when he brings them back, don't let him in. Make it clear that his relationship is with the children, not with you.

There must be things he can do with them that don't involve (a) money or (b) letting him into your house. And making sure he has enough money for their bus fare is his responsibility not yours; that should be one of your conditions as well - if he's going to see them he takes them somewhere and he pays.

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itsmeNDP · 29/01/2007 13:31

btw nutty, your pics are FAB !

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:33

He lives in a bedsit and gets roughly £70 a week incapacity benefit. Out of that he has to pay £10 towards his rent, £25 for electric (one of those £1 meters), £5 council tax arrears and buy his food and whatever else.

He does however seem to have money to go out for a drink once a week.

He gives me absolutly nothing for the kids, not a bean.

I could go out whilst he is here but I know he'd snoop around whilst i wasn't there and that puts me off.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:34

But he hasn't the money for their bus fare WWB.

Thanks NDP.....took me a while to figure out what you meant then....got my monday brain in today....very slow LOL.

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WigWamBam · 29/01/2007 13:34

Erm ... he has keys to your house?

That's another thing to put right then.

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itsmeNDP · 29/01/2007 13:35

LOL @ Monday brain


I would be furious that he found the money for a pint but couldn't scrabble togther a few quid for a bus fare.

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itsmeNDP · 29/01/2007 13:36

Blimey, yes. Get those keys off him

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:36

No no he doesn't have keys. What i meant was that if I went out whilst he saw the kids here, then he would snoop.

Wouldn't put it past him to try and bug the flippin house if he had the oppurtunity.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:38

I'd trust the unsavoury neighbours I have with my keys more then xp.

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yorkshirelass79 · 29/01/2007 13:41

Message withdrawn

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WigWamBam · 29/01/2007 13:41

No, don't go out while he has the kids there. He really needs to see them somewhere else, and if he can't save a fiver every couple of weeks for bus fare to see his kids then he's a more pathetic specimen than I thought.

Do you have a set time that he sees them, or just when he can be bothered? Maybe you need to set something in stone, perhaps a couple of hours every other Saturday or something. Otherwise you're always at his beck and call, and it should be you who is in control of this.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:47

No he doesn't have set days. He usually rings and asks to come when he has been given a free daysaver from the work directions place, so that can be any day.

I have told him in no uncertain terms that he sees them when I say it is ok and no other time and that I will not change mine or the kids plans to suit him. He moans about that but I stick to it.

The problem with not letting him in at all is that I think that would upset the kids as they like to show him their rooms (why i don't know) or show him toys.
I wouldn't mind him coming in before or after taking them somewhere but he just won't.

He really pissed me off because he told Ds (4) that when daddy got a job and had some money he would take him to the whacky and the only part of the sentance that ds understood was go to the whacky and so I had tears and tantrums for days about it as he thought daddy was taking him when he came next.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:49

He is pathetic wwb.

He is so immature it astounds me sometimes.
He is only interested in applying for jobs that he has no chance of getting and that are pie in the sky jobs anyway, ie few hours for loads of money. He wants someone to pay him for doing sod all basically.

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lou33 · 29/01/2007 13:50

why cant he take them to a park, or round to his to cook them some dinner?

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itsmeNDP · 29/01/2007 13:50

He is more of a knob than I thought, nutty

I would def try WWB's suggestion of set visiting days/hours/sessions. A man that cannot entertain his kids alone for a couple of hours once a fortnight has no bloody business calling himself a father, imo.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:52

He lives in a bedsit Lou and it's a right shit hole, there is no way I would let him take them there. He only has a microwave so can't do them anything to eat.

Plus he'd need erm £2.80 to get them there and back and he'll say he hasn't got it.

He can walk to local play area but he'll only stay there half hour or so.

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nutcracker · 29/01/2007 13:53

I have tried to get him to comitt to certain days a week but he says it depends on wether he has bus fare or not.

Basically he can't be bothered unless it's gonna be free and he has nothing else to do.

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itsmeNDP · 29/01/2007 13:54

£2.80


two miserable pounds eighty ? F'in hell nutty, I think I'd have thrown the bloody bus fare in his face when he asked for it. Snivelling, pathetic little turd.

I am really bloody angry on your behalf now. This is a GROWN man, ffs

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