My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

How Do I tell DS his real dad doesnt want to know?

6 replies

julezboo · 19/01/2007 12:50

Hey all

just after a bit of advice, my ds's real dad is a bit of an arse and he hasnt seen him in over a year. Despite my best efforts to keep them in touch it was beoming near on impossible with his girlf causing a scene everytime i drove him there.

Anyway Im now with a new DP, he is wonderful with ds (aged 4) and they have just started learning all about families in school, He came home last night and said to DP "x you are my new daddy arent you?" it was very sweet and my DP explained he was his step daddy and his daddy lives far away with his partner and their son.

Then to my shock, DS said "well mine old daddy is in prison"!!!!!!

I have no idea where he got this from and tbh its rattled me alot. He is not in prison he lives 200 miles away with his partner and their 2yr old son who my ds hasnt had much contact with either. I jut didnt know what to say.

Been thinking about it all night and absolutely horrified he may have told his teacher this in school! Ive decided we need to tell him about his real dad and try to explain why he doesnt see him? Any ideas?

OP posts:
Report
bluejelly · 19/01/2007 12:59

It's hard isn't it

My dd (aged 7) is always asking why her dad is late-- i said it doesn't mean he doesn't love her but he is just unreliable and lazy. Which is true! She seems fine with that...

Can you give your son an age appropriate version of the truth-- he lives far away and he is very busy with his new family but your ds has a lovely mum and a new dad who adore him etc

Report
hoolagirl · 19/01/2007 13:58

No ideas, but will be watching with interest as Im sure I will be having the same conversation with my DS in a couple of years!

Report
littledetails · 25/01/2007 20:36

I think you should be honest with him and whatever you do dont run your ex down to your son. You just need to support him as he gets older and be there for him, hes sure to have lots of questions.

Report
reetnproper · 25/01/2007 23:28

Hi Julezboo,

I brought up my teenager on my own for 9 years and in that time her real dad saw her once every year or so. At the time I insisted that none of my family or friends bad mouthed him in anyway in front of her, believing this was the best way forward ie: being able to tell her when she reached her teens that I had never stopped him seeing her. I NEVER told her when he was coming to see her, so that she would never feel the 'pain' of rejection when he forgot.

Now she is 15 and although I'm now in a loving relationship with a wonderful man who treats her like his own, up until a year ago the repurcussions of my decision way back then kept coming back to bite us hard. Everytime he contacted her it was all wonderful as she had placed him on a pedastal but the long periods between contacts made her angry and resentful and we took the brunt. Eventually she told him to f**k off and not to bother phoning her again (and we didn't repremand her for her language) but she has been badly hurt.

In retrospect, I wish I had been honest from the start because I trully believe that had I told her the truth about him as she was growing up and helped her through her hurt when he failed to turn up as arranged, then she wouldn't have reacted quite so badly as a teenager.

There is no need to bad mouth your sons dad but I would recommend that you be as honest as possible.

Hope this helps xx

Report
Vindaloo · 07/02/2007 13:26

Hi there my dd is almost 3 now and her dad has washed his hands off her a long time ago. He saw her a couple of times when she was a baby and basically said he couldnt handle it which I thought was incredibly selfish but there you go. He also has a son who is now 16 from a previuos marriage and 'the daughter he's always wanted' with his new wife.

I have often wandered what I would say to dd about him, I am also single. I kind of feel that whatever I do say about him I want to keep it very postive (even though he is a complete b***d).

I also wonder what I would do if he selfishly decided to want to see her, I dont feel I have the right to stop him but boy would I be furious with him.

Sorry not really giving any advice here.

Report
julezboo · 08/02/2007 15:11

thanks everyone.

I explaind to ds that his daddy lived far away and didnt drive so couldnt come to see him. He seemed to accept this and has dropped the subject now.

Im soo glad we have Dp hes wonderful with him x x

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.