at what age do you take a child's view on visits into consideration

[pirategirl]

Just wonderin what experiences you have had with regards to the effect of visits on your child.
Mine is 41/2 and as time goes on she is hating going to her dads, I know she doesnt want to leave me obviously, yet I also know that she is perfectly capable of having an opinion on her visits, and she is starting to have a very negative opinion of him and his partner.

I know wehave to force them into things, persuade them even, yet I feel like I am letting her down by saying she has to go.

I wasnt of this opinion to start with, yet there has been so little effort of putting her first by my ex, that I am not surprised she is so reluctant. Ihave tried many times to make him see that he's pushing her away, and now that that has happened, he gets pissed off and I feel like banging my head against a wall.

She says he's silly, doesnt listen, and that she doesnt like him or love him. She is exhausted half the time when she gets home, and I really wish he would move 100's of miles away and let us get on with it.

If I have ever tried to say, look she really doesnt want to come, he has said 'how can yuo let a four yr old decide?', to which I've said, 'look I'm just trying to let you know how she feels,I am not the bloody expert here' My intention has never been to stop the contact, far from it. When I raised concerns last yr about him taking her away on holiday for a wek, I got a snotty solicitors letter full of crap, about how he loves her and rings her every night, which was absolute rubbish ( the ringing)and how I am making it al so dificult for him.
My solicitor insited on him having contact on his own with her to try and bridge the gap that was happening, but did he hell, nope.

So to ask my original question, how do you deal with this age, my ex seems to think she's more like 2 (when he left) than nearly 5.

[MamazonAKAfatty]

If she really doesn't want to go i think that she is old enough to express that.

I would suggest some supervised contact through CAFCASS in order for them to see how your ex interacts with her. theymay be able to point out some area's that your ex could improve on and hopefully your dd will enjoy her time with her dad a little more.

[PrincessPeaHead]

have you got a contact order in place? perhaps you should apply for a variation of the order to deal with for example contact on his own without the girlfriend etc. At the least the court will probably order an update from your cafcass officer, who can talk to your daughter and see her views for herself and represent those to the court.

the court will put the needs of your daughter above everything else and it sounds to me as though if she is getting very upset about the contact it perhaps needs a review. talk to your solicitor about it?

good luck!

[pirategirl]

HI,
I havent got any sort of contact order thru the courts.

OUr divorce has been going on for about 6 months and due to be over soon, the only thing we had was the statement of arrangements for our daughter.
The when he decided to play silly buggers and throw his toys out of the pram about the week away, and sent my the solicitors letter, my solicitor sent one back asking him to agree a set time to see her, then between ourselves to introduce her to an overnight stay gradually.
Well this lasted about one week, he didnt see her on his own, and then just came on his normal weekend to get her as per.
He has told me that if i disagree he will just 'get' a court order to see her every 2 weeks, so that its official.
Yet official or not, how could a court force her to go??
Thats what my presumption has bee, that because she is so little she wont have a say.

I tried to keep it friendly, all for our daughter's sake, so that she could build trust. i dont belive she is in any danger, he is just so useless at thinking about her needs.

[PrincessPeaHead]

she will have a say, inasmuch as the court will order a cafcass reporter to spend time with her, check out the whole situation, see what she says about it all.

the welfare of the child is paramount, and overrides the wants of the parents.

talk to your solicitor, but it sounds to me that it may be worthwhile trying to get this formalised in a court order. and anyway the court won't give you a decree absolute unless it is satisfied with the arrangements for contact (amongst other things) so it needs to be sorted out.

it sounds like you have done all the right things and have the right attitude (tried to facilitate contact, want what is best for your daughter) so hang tight, it will work out I'm sure.

[pirategirl]

Thanks Princess,
my solicitor leaves the practice tomorrow, so have been assigned a new one. From tomorrow I can apply for the decree absolute, but I'm hoping that even when I send bacl the form, things outstanding about the contact can be looked at again cant they? I really want the marriage over now ( in my heart I dont) but it will mean some sort of closure, where I can feel stronger for me and our daughter.

I just cant seem to influence his attitude, any mum's understand that one? I mean to me its common sense to be consistent etc...

Erm, well she had just started school this week and is pretty upset over that too.

Thanks