Lost and alone

[ElenorRigby]

Well I never thought I would find myself here.
Just before xmas I found out I was pregnant. It was the worst shock of my life.
I'm a 37 yo, who has been dating a separated dad for 16 months. My bf is currently going through a divorce and very stressful conflicts with his ex wife over the contact arrangements and residency of their 4yo child.
My relationship experience, due to an anxiety related problem, is very limited. I first dated only 3 years ago Before that dating, never mind relationships were impossible due to my anxiety problem which left me for most of my adult life socially isolated. Despite those problems I did work, buy my own place and look after myself after all there was no one there to help me ie in relationship terms I have very little experience despite my age.
Back to the relationship with my bf...
He is a guy I absolutely adore, I nearly would do anything for him. I have tried so so hard to do as much as I can while the conflicts with his ex have gone on I love his child and we get on so so well, I'm always getting hugs and kisses and little pressies.
All I want is a future with them both.
Times are really tough with the conflict between my bf and his ex but I'm there for him through the tough times, its just not me to cut and run because thing are hard.

Then the bombshell, I find myself pregnant.
This has blown a hole through everything. My bf cant deal with this. On top of all the intense stress due to the conflict with his ex this additional news has seen him nearly breakdown. He just cant see any positives from going ahead with the pregnancy. He sees a termination as the answer.
When I first heard I was pregnant, my first reaction was shock and panic- I had never wanted children and the idea of being pregnant was alien and terrifying. Initially I thought I just wanted it out of my body! My bf advised I talked to people so I talked to some close friends.
They told me of how terrified they were when the found themselves pregnant, how they wanted to do other things with their lives, how they never wanted kids or saw themselves as mothers. Both my friends wanted rid of their children at first! However after they had them they both told me it was the best thing they had ever done, that they loved their kids dearly and wouldn't be without them for the world.
I'm similar in that Ive never seen myself as a mum type, Ive never wanted kids and have found the thought of the responsibility of having kids terrifying.
After talking to my friends my initial shock reaction to just get rid has changed, now nearly 3 weeks on I think I want to go ahead and have this baby.
However as I said the thought of my having a baby is causing my bf extreme stress. He still wants me to have termination and cannot see any positives from continuing with the pregnancy.
Here's the rub...
if I go ahead with the pregnancy my bf has said more than once that he could come to resent me and that he feels trapped- how could a relationship survive resentment and blame?
But if I have termination and I feel my bf has in some way forced me into it I feel our relationship will not survive

I wish with all my heart that I could have a future with my bf and his wonderful child but I fear the circumstances and his perception and attitude are driving us apart. I feel all these problems are not insurmountable- Life's taught me to be a fighter. However if my bf cannot feel the same I strongly fear I will have to cope with this alone

I have told my bf that I would not put any claim on him if I went ahead with the pregnancy. Due to my past anxiety problem which spanned most of my adult life I was alone, had to deal with my problems and had to look after myself.

I have no idea of what it is like to be a parent- I will need some help...
Thanks for reading

[Aloha]

Just found this in unanswered threads. I'm really sorry you feel this sad. Going alone isn't easy, but you sound as if you don't want a termination. And if you don't, you shouldn't have one IMO.

[ThisTime]

Hi Elenor - you have said that life has taught you to be a fighter and you will survive this just as you survived everythings else. You sound like you dont want a termination, and like you said you would resent your bf if he 'made' you have one.

Do you think that he might warm to the idea as time goes on?

I have been alone since finding out i was pregnant and still am (DS is 14 months) and yes it is hard at times but the good far outway the bad. I even manage to get a shower these days!!!

You say you have close friends would they go to appointments wwith you if bf wont go?

[JustSometimes]

It's your decision either way. Being a parent is really wonderful and really terrible. Children are demanding and equally rewarding because they depend on you more than anything else in the world. You have to do what is right for you. x
I hope you are ok. Here's a hug from cyberland XX

[JustSometimes]

By the way, my little DS makes everything worthwhile. My life is TOTALLY different but I am also a different, happier woman. My life is pretty chaotic, but I love it. Being a Mum makes you the most important thing in their eyes.

[clareandbean]

If you decide you want the baby then you will find a way. You will discover strength and resiliance you never knew you had and a child in all liklihood will bring you joy. Your situation is impossible and it looks like either way your relationship is under threat, so do what makes you happy and then your bf will have to deal with your decision.
I had a baby on my own, it was hard but she was worth it all.

[Plibble]

If you want to have your baby, then you should. I think if you have a termination to appease your b/f (and not because you want to), then you may regret doing so. There is also no guarantee that your b/f will stay with you even if you do what he wants.
It will be hard if you have the baby on your own (but you are clearly independent and resilient, which I think would help), but I also don't think that it would be fair of your b/f to deny you the child that you have conceived just because he is not happy with his relationship with his ex-wife.

So, please try to decide what is right for you. And then, if you decide to have the baby, your boyfriend must decide what is right for him. Either way, you will cope.

[ElenorRigby]

Hi all...

Thank you very much for your kind thoughts

A few weeks have passed since my original post and now after a lot of stress and heartache my bf and I have decieded to go ahead and have the lil' sproggle together.

Thanks once again
Ele

[ThisValenTime]

Oh thats fantastic news!!!

When should we be looking on the announcement boards then!