how do the ex's end up soooooooo mean?

[pirategirl]

hi,
thought i would post here to maybe get some feedback.
I cant even begin to describe the out of character, weird person my soon to be ex husband has become.
He walked out on my child 3, and me, well bailed out really.
Supposed to be a buddhist, but has an ego the size of an bus, and is just very manipulative STILL, even tho he found someone else soon after he left.

Anyhow, this thread is for anyone who wants to discuss break up, divorce, how to deal with the kiddies. I have asked mumsenet if there can be an official sub section, cos somehow it doesnt feel right to post here, for me anyway and go on about the doom and gloom of my marital break up!

my latest offering from my ex. He gave his child (4) a bike for xmas, and child is not allowed to bring it home. Considering he has child almost every two weeks, is this not darn right mean!!! I was bloody livid!

take care

[StarlightStarbrightSKYTVtonite]

I feel for you. Whatever my two DDs get at their Dads they have to keep it there. This xmas this has meant DD1 getting two MP3 players as she had asked for one, he told me he had already bought one (which she would get on boxing day but had to keep at their house) so I bought a better one which she got on xmas day! They only go every two weeks for one weekend and I think its really bizarre!

[pirategirl]

thanks for the reply,

i guess its not just the bike, its the whole deal. I feel like my child has been so let down by him, and it will only get worse.

feeling bit down, time of year etc..

x

[megandsoph]

Well exh has seen the girls in all 2 weeks in the whole of 2006. for xmas he has bought them nothing. Have just recived their xmas cards this morn but guess what they were both birthday cards (crossed out happy birthday) replaced with happy christmas and not a kiss in sight on them

Ahhh alot are just planks really Groan

[hatwoman]

I don;t know why they are mean. but children aren;t daft. they will see it for what it is. they will see your own kindness and love and that you are the one there for them. there's probably nothing you can do except be the mum you are and the mum they need.

[Judy1234]

Does he want to see the child more than every 2 weeks though or isn't he bothered?

[Judy1234]

|Yes, what's with the crossing out thing? The last card he bought one of the older children was for her 18th 2 yeras ago and he crossed out a card for something else and put 18 on. So straange these men particularly when they've walked off with nearly £900k of my/ our money. You'd have thought they could run to buying cards at least.

[Twinklemegan]

My DH and I used to keep things at our house that we bought for his kids. Otherwise they had a strange habit of being binned or going off to the car boot sale!

[Twinklemegan]

Not saying that's what you would do though, pirategirl!! (Keep digging Twinkle!)

[mamama]

megandsoph

Have no idea how they become so mean. Mine was the loveliest man I had ever met; gentle, kind patient etc. I guess that's why I married him. Now he's irresponsible, selfish, rude & calls me 'woman'. Bought DS a book for xmas and promptly took it away with him so DS can have it when he's older

[pirategirl]

hi,

Well I think the bike will just sit and rot, cos he hasn't been in touch all week to have her over to ride it.

I'm only angry for her cos what was the point in getting her one, and making such a huge deal over the fact he had actually bought her something for once. I was even saying. 'oh great thats lovely' pat pat what a good boy ( some habits never die!)

This is the guy who wanted a baby more than me.

well, i guess i thought things might change on the eve of this new yr, as last yr was pretty bad between us. I get fed up of being fair.
He wants to have her xmas morning next year, but even tho I've said yes i am not going to be fair, i am going to change my mind. Like someone else posted on here, why should i do all the hard work all year for her, not to be able to enjoy xmas morning.

bah!

[megandsoph]

He can see the girls when he wants xenia he just doesn't bother his arse he rings them once or twice a month when he remembers.

[megandsoph]

They don't realise how much they hurt the children, they must think it's us they are hurting just us surely?

[blossomsmine]

I split from my ex fifteen years ago when the kids were 1 and 2 years old. During that time he hasn't paid a penny and also never asked to see them, occasionally when he has a new girlfriend they try to play happy families and the woman will try to get my kids over to see them. This stopped when they got to the age where the kids felt scared to be away from me and with strangers but he recently contacted them again (now 16 and 17) and my son will see him but my daughter sees him for what he is and refuses. It does hurt me sometimes when my son goes out with him as I did all the hard work, spent all the money and had all the worries and sleepless nights, but also the good times too. But at the end of the day I just have to go along with it all even though I think he is a nasty person for never caring about them or their well being when they were younger and only really bothering now because they are old enough to not need proper looking after. Sorry to go on.

[brandy7]

blossomsmine, your brilliant accepting that your ds wants to see his dad as after you say, youve done all the hard work and then your ex reappears and reaps the benefits of the son that you have effectively bought up alone

my ex kept loads of presents from ds's first xmas (hes now aged2). he eventually bought some jumpers round when ds was nearly 1, its was boiling hot in the summer and the jumpers were 0-3months and the twat throught that a)they would still fit him! and b) the heatwave wouldnt bother him wearing a fecking jumper

since then hes turned up with gifts and said "oh this has been in the bedroom at my house" and its obviously toys that have been bought for ds when he was born! twat!!

[ninah]

Yes we got nothing for Xmas not even a card. He was always a shit, tho. HE still sees dss who is 16 - cos as you say, is easy to look after - just parks him in front of dvd with a pizza and goes down the pub. So - in another 12 years or so we may be as lucky!

[blossomsmine]

brandy7 I don't think I am really accepting just don't want to seem bitter I suppose (although deep down I think I am bitter!) what can I do my son obviously wanted to see what he was like and I can't really sit him down and tell him all the horrible things he did when they were young because it all seems so long ago now and probably unbelievable to a 16 year old boy, IYSWIM. They are prats though aren't they, the keeping toys and clothes back until they are unsuitable etc., whats the point?
I just hope as my kids grow they see him for what he is although then again I don't want them to feel unloved/unwanted so really things just have to go on as they are.

[Frostythesurfmum]

We buy clothes and toys for dsd, as do friends and relatives, but we don't send them home. She's here every 3rd weekend and half the holiday and needs things to wear and things to play with while she's here, so it doesn't make sense to send them home and have nothing here. It had never occurred to me that it was being mean, just practical. If there's something she really wants to take home, then she does, but things like her bike stays here, otherwise she wouldn't have one when we all want to go out on a bike ride.

[Blondilocks]

Hmm, mine is pretty good with presents & stuff - they all come here. DD doesn't really go up to his house 150 miles away. I have said I'm happy to drive her up for the weekend, although would mean me staying too (we do get on well tho & I was happy to stay on the sofa) but I don't think he wants me to invade on new gfs territory so just given up offering. However, he doesn't come here that much - sees her once a month or less, txts me randomly & we spk on the phone, but he doesn't ask to speak to DD or phone her. When he's here he spends most of the time talking about himself to grown ups or visiting his mates than doing stuff with her.

DD seems to have accepted this & doesn't seem too upset, & I guess in the long run it will be him that loses out. I never say anything bad about him in front of her & never would, & do sometimes phone him & pass the phone to her or call her if he's on messenger but it gets to the point where I feel like why should I make all the effort? I have told him it would only take a 5 min phone call every so often. When I spoke to him about it he said that I tell him stuff about her so he doesn't feel he has to ask. However have since stopped telling him much other than she's ok & nothing changed, but now feel bad as if I don't tell him & he doesn't ask then he won't know anything which is bad for her & makes me feel like I'm the bad one for not saying anything.

Also his job is random so I never know when he's home or if he's out & I'm not keen on her talking on a mobile so that makes it awkward too.

He is pretty good when he's about, but you'd think he'd want to put more effort in esp as he was the one who was worried about their bond breaking.

When I go away for the weekend which isn't often I ring every day to speak to her & check with my mum that she's ok so I just don't get it!

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble.

[Caligula]

I think there's a balance between whether it's meanness or practicality.

If the bike is just for use at the non-resident parent's house, then that should be made clear when the bike is bought. In that case, it's not really a full present is it, it's only for use when the child is staying at one of their homes. It does seem a bit berserk to re-invent the wheel and have two bikes (one for each residence) but I guess if parents can't co-operate about this sort of thing, then that's what ends up happening.

It does make sense to have a supply of clothes, toys etc., at the NRP's home, so that it doesn't all have to be transported back and forth all the time.

However, it is very mean not to allow a child to take home a particular item that they want to have at their main home. I can understand with something like a bike, because it might be a nuisance to transport all the time (although one could get a roof-rack I suppose), but something small like a doll or software, would be very peculiar not to allow.

[Twinkie1]

Least you haven't got my x - he phoned to check we weren't getting DD a gameboy - I said no DH had got her a nintendo DS lite in Pink as was better than a gameboy and she could play gameboy games on it - he said O I'll get her a gameboy here because I want her to keep all of her presents here - she goes there before Xmas and comes home boxing day - opens her DS and looks not as excited as I predicted as Santa had bought her one at Daddy Wankers (thats what I call him - she doesn't!!) house!!

On top of that I had my tonsils out and the pikeys who live next door to us were up the night before till 3.30am drinking, dancing and making far too much noise!! GGGRRR!!!

If I were you I would buy a bike for your home and make sure it is shit loads better than his!!

I am going to ask X what he is getting DD next year and buy her 20 of them and make sure they are all bigger and better than what he gets!!

[nightowl]

ds would be lucky to get a picture of a bike, let alone a real one. his dad buys him nothing, has never contributed to a birthday party or spent more than £20 on a christmas or birthday and now he has a gf again he's stopped seeing him and stopped paying maintenance. (but thats because he's "poorly"). tosser.

[nightowl]

(sorry, not relevant to thread but i NEEDED to call him a tosser).

[Twinkie1]

Wish XH was poorly!!

[Frostythesurfmum]

That's right Caligula. Like you say, it just isn't practical to be carting a bike from one house to another. It'd inevitably be at the wrong house when she needed it. Both times we've bought bikes, she's already had one at home, so it's not like she didn't have one.

I don't agree that presents that are things she keeps here aren't full presents though. A present is a present.

It sounds really daft to buy a Gameboy when she was getting a ds lite from you, Twinkie. Now that is something that is easily transportable between both places and she could take it to her Dad's. Waste of money on his part IMO! We do always ask dsd what she has at home so as not to duplicate things like gameboys, and we wouldn't want to deliberately upstage anything her mum had bought her. Thinking about it, a bike is probably the only thing that we've duplicated that she has at her mum's too.