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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

What happens next? (bit long, sorry)

12 replies

ForeverBlowingBubbles · 04/12/2006 01:33

Hi, I'm a new poster, but been reading posts for a while.
A few years back I got pregnant, and wasn't sure whether the father was man A or man B. Both of them knew the situation and both did a runner. Years back, the CSA found one of them, asked him to do a DNA test, he refused and they said they could take him to court but I asked them not to and they didn't (I didn't want to know the truth). Well, he must have suddenly popped up on the CSA's radar because earlier this year they re-opened our previously-closed case.
They forced him to do a DNA test this time, and then forced me and my DD to do it too, and the results have arrived and he is definitely DD's father. I had been hoping against all hope that it would be the other bloke.
Bearing in mind that we have had absolutely no contact AT ALL since I was pregnant 9 years ago, what is likely to happen next? My DD is in a bit of a state over the whole thing. She didn't know he existed until the day before we gave our DNA samples. We were both happy not knowing who or where he was. She's worried she might have to see him, or have contact with him, and is not that happy about it, but then she changes her mind and says she'd like to see what he looks like and wants to know if she's got any half-siblings.
I don't know how to reassure her or answer her questions, because I have no idea what's going to happen next. I don't even know where he lives. I'm a bit scared by the whole situation tbh, I dread seeing him again and am a bit freaked out (Ignorance really was bliss!) Any words of experience, wisdom or encouragement appreciated

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ellesbells · 04/12/2006 10:18

hi foreverbb, firstly, welcome to mumsnet! what a horrible situation for you and your DD. it must be really scary for both of you!! ive no experiance with this one although ive just been through the whole DNA test thing with my baby. (so no doubt ill be in a simular situation when she is older, as her dad wants nothing to do with her at the mo.....i guess he will turn up at some point!) can i ask what your relationship was like with this guy? would he want contact with her? if he was at least a semi decent bloke back then and he wants contact, then i would let him see her if she wants to...maybe a public place for instance...but take it slowly. these things generally turn out for the best because either way, your dd will 'know where she came from' if he doesnt want contact then your in the same situation as now. most of all dont show your dd your nervous as this will scare/confuse her more. i feel for you must be really tough x

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mumblechum · 04/12/2006 11:04

There are really two issues here, aren't there, money and contact.

I assume you must be on benefits if the CSA are involved without your asking them, and of course they should make him pay child maintenance, rather than the government. He'll get a shock when he gets a bill for nine years back maintenance, but of course he'll just have to pay few quid a week off the arrears, plus fifteen percent of his net income.

On the contact side, it's up to him to decide whether he wants to see his daughter. A lot of fathers decide that they would like to have a relationship once they're paying something towards the child, but if he asks for contact and you and your daughter are opposed, he'd have to make a formal application to the court, and a district judge would decide what is in the best interest of your daughter.

Alternatively, the two of you could be referred to an independent mediator to see if it's possible to agree perhaps very limited contact (cards, photos etc) building up eventually to direct contact of a few hours a month, depending on how your daughter responds.

I really wouldn't worry too much about the contact aspect, and try to reassure your daughter that unless he really kicks up a fuss, she won't have to see him. She may however feel curious about her father, in which case you'd probably be best to encourage that, however negatively you may feel about him.

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ForeverBlowingBubbles · 04/12/2006 14:40

Hi Ellesbells, thanks for the welcome I didn't have a relationship with this man as such, just a couple of one-nighters (that sounds so bad!!) although I had known him for a couple of months but not really well. I wouldn't say he was a particularly decent bloke, bit of a liar and a 'lad' IYKWIM. I do know he didn't want the DNA test because the CSA wrote saying that they were 'assuming paternity' because of his refusal. This made him do it as he wouldn't want to pay if the child wasn't his, but I also know he refused to pay for the test. I would imagine he's a bit in shock, as we are.

Hi Mumblechum, yes I am on income support and work part time. Will he really have to pay 9 years back-pay? I thought he would only have to pay from when they caught up with him earlier this year. I don't know if he's got any other children, but I've heard that if he has then mine will get less maintenance. I really have no idea whether or not he will want contact. I know when he found out I was pregnant he moved to the other end of the country and if he's still there then that could make contact difficult.

Thanks both for all your help, I'm just feeling really anxious about it all. I'm trying not to show that to my DD but if she decides she wants contact then obviously I will push for that to happen. It's really up to her and I'm not going to make her see him if she doesn't want to, he's a stranger after all. It's difficult because I can't talk to any of my family about this, as I never told them about this bloke and I would hate them to find out as they'll think awful things about me.

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ellesbells · 04/12/2006 18:39

ahh forverbb! dont beat yourself up! my situation was very similar to yours (didnt know him very well) but hey...shit happens! your right about the back pay tho they will only make him pay from when they caught up with him (i know this from my situation) it wont be just about any other children that are his either. If he is living with anyone who has children (even if they are not his) you will still get less money!! that happened in my case. He had three kids with his EW but he has moved in with a woman who has two of her own so it meant my DD was 6th in line!! he was paying 25% of his income to his EW now the 25% is split 6 ways!! its pathetic! your right tho, if your dd wants contact and so does he then it might just turn out to be a good thing! shame about your family not knowing, mine dont know the full sp either! at least we have mumsnet to spout off on eh!

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ForeverBlowingBubbles · 05/12/2006 00:57

I'm sorry to hear you've been through a similar situation, but also slightly relieved to be able to talk to someone who's been there! I can't help beating myself up about it, it feels like a punishment for being stupid enough to have slept with him in the first place! At least I have got a lovely dd out of it though

That is SO out of order that the CSA include children that aren't even his - presumably they would be getting maintenance from their own father? How completely wrong and unfair is that?! I can't put into words how angry that makes me, and it hasn't even happened to me (yet!)

I'm so glad I found Mumsnet, I've found out so much on here, but didn't want to post a message until I really needed some support and I've got that now, and I truly appreciate it. Hugs to you!

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ellesbellsringsoutforchristmas · 06/12/2006 19:00

hi foreverbb, how are you and your dd today? hope your ok xx

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Mummypumpkin · 07/12/2006 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForeverBlowingBubbles · 08/12/2006 14:28

Hi both, sorry not been back for few days, been busy. DD and I are fine, the whole DNA thing hasn't been mentioned for a few days. I don't think I'm really going to bring it up in conversation with my DD until I need to, or unless she asks. For now, things can go back to normal until we know more on what's going to happen. I haven't heard from the CSA at all, I thought I might get a letter from them this week, now they know for sure it's him.

Thanks for checking back with me (I'll update as and when I hear anything) x

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ellesbellsringsoutforchristmas · 08/12/2006 19:59

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ForeverBlowingBubbles · 09/12/2006 02:19

Aww thanks sending some back your way

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ForeverBlowingBubbles · 16/12/2006 01:42

Just a quick update: still haven't heard anything from the CSA. Am now wondering if I ought to give them a call to see what's happening at their end.

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ForeverBlowingBubbles · 25/01/2007 09:44

Another update: I STILL haven't heard anything from the CSA since we had the DNA test!

Do you think I should call them? Will they be able to tell me anything? I want to know if and when Ex is going to start paying maintenance, and I want to know roughly where in the country he lives. Will they tell me these things?