Should I go it alone...? (long)

[Snailpace]

I don't even know if I should be posting this or not. I'm not sure if anyone can really help or even if i deserve any help. Or even what kind of help i need! I guess i just want to 'sound off'.

I've been with my DH for 4 years, we have a DD 18 months. To everyone around us, we are the perfect family. Sometimes I think we are too but mainly, i think that myself and my DH are just completely incompatable. There is a big culture clash, he is Jamaican and Im english (altho I am mixed with jamaican, so do have experience with black culture) But his way of thinking, speaking and acting is so intrinsictly (sp) different.That we argue all the time.

Our conversations just never ever seem to flow because one of us will say something that the other doesn't understand or gets offended by something not even meant the way the other takes it. To actually complete a conversation it would take a mediator (Im quite sure of it!)

To top it all, we are having problems with my partners immigration status and so he hasnt been able to work for quite sometime and there is a chance he will have to go home to make a fresh application. This has been high stress and at first i didnt want him to go but now i think the break would do us wonders. But Im not sure we will even make it to that stage because our rows are reaching an all new low and sometimes i just want him to get out but he has nowhere to go and so he never does go anywhere.

On the one hand, I can see how his self esteem has taken a battering from having to stay home and watch me go out and work or out with friends(he doesnt have many friends either)So I do sympathise in someways but because he can be such a horror when we argue, i find that my patience runs thin. I too have turned into a horror. (we used to be such pleasent people I am sure we bring out the worst in each other.)

I just dont know what to do, this isnt really even the tip of the iceberg but my post-pregnancy brain gets muddled so easily! Reading some of these posts where the men are just hopeless or missing or horrible. I feel that I should be grateful for my man who is home everynight and cooks and cleans and mostly tries. He is a handsome man but I dont really fancy him anymore either (after the baby ive gone off sex altogether) Maybe its just me.

Sometimes, i just want to be alone because then there will be noone to wind me up and critize me. But then i feel bad for DD who loves her daddy so much. Should I try and sort this out? Or has it gone too far? My DH reckons (first time ever) that hes had enough now and is going to leave. Im sure I could talk him around if I wanted to, i just dont know if i do. ARGHHHHH! relationships are shit.

[rainbowgirl]

awwwww Snailpace sending you >

sounds like what you need most of all is just some time out from your daily routine; sounds to me like the relationship is far from over, but just going through a really tough time due to a number of pressures.

have you thought about a) getting away somewhere together? b) getting away somewhere alone, to give yourself some head space, or c) couples counselling i.e. relate? i've had mixed experience of this but it can be helpful i know... what you say about a mediator - you could be right! why not give it a go?

he sounds like a good man. i wouldn't throw him away lightly! and you don't really say anything to indicate that you don't love him anymore, just that you are really fed up, which doesn't seem surprising...

take it one step at a time.

deciding to 'go it alone' is a big decision and it's very scary at the beginning. you should never stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons but neither should you throw something away that may just be damaged not broken. in my humble opinion!

good luck darlin. sure you'll be fine.

[Snailpace]

thanks rainbow girl, he won't come to relate. Altho i had a bit of counselling after DD born which helped for a short time.

He is a good man but i think ive damaged him and visa versa. I cant get out of my head that if 2 people arent compatabile there is nothing you can do!?! I dont know if thats true or not but my mind wont let go of it.

Perhaps we should go away somewhere. Although it should probably be somewhere without cliffs! I fear that one of us may end up over the edge!

[tiger1]

I am in difficulties too with my partner. For me the worst thing in the world is splitting and still arguing and with so much more haterid and then having to interact with him for the rest of your life. SO it things pis you off now they will surely piss you off more when you have seperated. To me that is the most frightening thing in the world which is why i stay and also there is so much more going on.

[rainbowgirl]

tiger1 hope you feeling a bit more cheerful

but i don't agree with you that you should stay with someone you don't get on with just because it'll be worse when you split. when you split, you can actually wield a great deal more control; my dd's dad was incredibly controlling and abusive when we were together but now, 2 years on, amazingly, we are quite good friends.

i think from the OP that snail and her dp have got a chance of salvaging something from the wreckage; somewhere without cliffs, and just the 2 of you, sounds ideal! give it a go. i could be wrong but i get the impression that you don't really want to leave him and are looking for validation that there is something left worth hanging on for. in my opinion reading your post, there is.

hope this helps

xx

[rainbowgirl]

i agree with you about compatibility but this changes over time and sometimes you can just go through really hard times and come thru the other side..

[Snailpace]

tiger 1, its really difficult isnt it. We don't realise how lucky we were back in the days without children, when we could walk away anytime, if we so wanted!

Rainbow i think you are right! i do need validation. (It usually comes from DH who has the patience of a saint.) Unfortunately, his sainthood has expired.

[tiger1]

Hi Rainbowgirl, feeling better with my councilor, thanks. We were discussing this subject this week. She knows that that i cannot leave right now as my partner is incapable of learning new things. So therefore he will not learn how to look after children. Yes the basics of cleaning teeth and playing in the play room. But he will not look after their safly and because of this i am in no state to be able to leave as when the kids are with him they will not be safe and cared for. If you trust your man with your kids then go for it, leave most would be better off, My councilor and i talked about that i would be better off if he just uped and left us and never wanted contact. This is my ideal world and people that moan about it should think themselves lucky that they are not in a fighting situation with there ex's, don't push your kids to see there dads just let the fathers contact them unless of course the kids want to. The kids soon understand providing you tell the kids the truth always, that their dads are not very good at being dads. I too was discussing this at another meeting today and most agreed. Always tell the truth to your kids as if you do not it will come back later on you that you lied then they will hate you.

[inanidealworld]

tiger1,
why would you be prepared to even consider not having your children with you?
Not judging just asking btw.

[ThisValenTime]

IdealWorld - How i read it was that Tiger1 was saying if you trust your dp/dh with your kids then it will be okay to seperate and let them have access. As she knows they will be well cared for. I think