No social life of my own whatsoever

[equinox]

Hello all

Is it just me that stays in night on night through no fault of my own? How come 90 per cent of single parents can go out the whole time as they have a helpful family on hand. I have no helpful family even on the planet and I already shell out a great deal on childcare as well as keeping the car on the road I have very little left to play with month on month.

On top of that it looks like the ex may be losing his job in a few months so my maintenance will go down the swanny. Having said that he has always paid these past 9 years since we split up when our boy was 5 months old.

I have found a babysitter and although she is £5 an hour it is still money isn't it. Half of me resents paying for it but I think I will have to start to as I am going stark staring mad.

The only outside life I have is going food shopping or a Buddhist meeting.

I just can't carry on like this. Of course this time of year it is great going out with our children as the weather is good so at least that is cheery. I have had life pass me by for 9 long years now.

Last year I had the chance to go to a school reunion back in Suffolk where I grew up but I couldn't go as although I had a friend to go and stay overnight with I didn't trust my ex with our boy to have him overnight as he has been hitting him the past couple of years so even that option has now been completely deleted.

It looks like I will have to try to find endless fivers for my wellbeing or I will go stark staring mad.

If you can't go out and socialise in the summers then when??!

I would be interested in any views and life experiences!

[RitaConnors]

Can you find anyone to trade babysitting with? So you do something for them and they babysit for you? Or a neighbour. We have told our neighbour we will babysit for them for free as it's easy to just stumble across there and watch their TV. I don't even have to put my shoes on never mind drive.



It is hard, I do sympathise. We emigrated so we have nobody here.

[RitaConnors]

I think one of the easiest methods would be yo try and step up the 'with children' socialising.

In the summer my friends from dds school and I have 'dinner' in the park after school. We order pizza or go and get fish and chips or bring a picnic. We do it every Tuesday and if you go you go and if you don't you don't. There is wine! No notice is taken of the dc. An occasional head count.

[equinox]

There is no option of babysitting swaps as everybody has family support here. The neighbours don't get involved with you here either. It is a very clannish ex mining town (I used to live in the sociable south of England so it is a bit of a killer). On top of that babysitters are like gold dust to start with so it took some time to even acquire this new one.....!

Weekdays I am flat out working so I have no time for socialising. I already do mix with other single mothers as a local group just recently got set up. However that was after years of nothing being available online to join.

Wives don't mix with single parents around here as they like to either go out with couples or meet up with women who have partners so that they can talk about their own husbands etc.

I would rather mix with people who have had children too so that they understand my situation a bit. I see no point in mixing with too many people who haven't had children yet, even though invariably they can be more interesting than parents lol.

[SiennaBlake]

I'm feeling your pain too. It's only been a year and half and I feel like all my socialisation skills have melted away from lack of speaking to people beyond the staff at the preschool and people like the doctor.

I feel like a hermit.

[SoonToBeSix]

Sounds rubbish pity you don't leave nearer to me I have a nine year old and the more the merrier in my house.
Have you tried mumsnet local or starting a new thread on here to see if you can get to know other mums in a similar situation so you can form a babysitting circle or who might like to social with dc. When I just had the two dc I regularly used to go to friends houses , all the dc would camp out in one bedroom and I would leave them there when I went home and come back for them in the morning.

[fairgame]

I don't have a social life either so i know how isolating it is.
My family live an hour away and my mum works full time so doesn't want DS as the weekend is her time. DS can be hard work as he has ASD.

exP's family have no contact so no help there.

I don't know any babysitters either.

To top it off i've not been working since October so i don't get any adult conversation whatsoever and from september DS will be going to special school so i don't even have the school run to socialise.

I've decided that i will join a gym in september. I don't really like exercise but for my own sanity i need adult conversation.

I wonder if you live near me, the ex mining town clans sound like they might be in my part of the world. I'm in South Yorks.

[Tortoiseturtle]

He's a good age for sleepovers.

[NormalTea]

It is hard I know. I think often couples have a social life fall in to their laps because they invite over one other couple (that either of them is friendly with) and there are four people, it's a gang.

I find it hard to get from friendly to friends because if you make a male friend it'd be weird to invite him and his wife out/over when you've no partner yourself. Married women seem not to socialise with single women when their husbands are around and/or at the weekend.

I have a couple of single friends now, but I didn't have them to start out with. I think you should try and get a single friend near by who can do babysitting swaps. Or, failing that, spend the money and take your nine year old out to see a film, (age appropriate) and or take him out for sunday lunch in a bar, relax, don't feel apologetic for not having another adult with you.

It is really hard though. Society is still structured in a really couple-centric way.

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

Mn meet up? :)

[equinox]

Hi fairgame yes I don't live at all far from you! I live in Derbyshire lol.

[wtffgs]

I have virtually no social life either! Lack of family, apparently living in the most "married" place in the UK

DD has SN so I think about her, work (lowish pay but physically tiring) and housework. I have become dull and would love to meet up with similarly-minded people! (S Yorks/Derbyshire border)

[Thebluedog]

I could have written your post too. But I've been a lone parent for a measly year and it's already driving me crazy!

My folks live hours away, as do my friends. Every night is the same, some shit box set off Netflix then an early night as I know the kids will be up with the sun...

It sucks...

I'm North Notts by the way so feel free to pm if you're close and maybe we could share babysitting duties

[exexpat]

At 9, your son is at the age where you could 'swap' sleepovers with friends of his. Does he have any good friends you could invite for a sleepover, preferably ones with parents you know well enough to ask for/hint at a return visit sometime which would allow you to go out? If you can find something you want to do, that is.

[misstiredbuthappy]

I know the feeling OP every single night im in on my own dd is asleep by 7 most nights.

I actually worry about my sanity ! If I have nobody to talk to EVER at night, then surely im gonna loose my marbles

[equinox]

There are plenty of meet up options (it's a website) for socialising but the issue is affording childcare and affording the social life funds on top of that too. It all costs a small fortune.

That said I have booked my new babysitter for this coming Fri eve. so I can go to a Buddhist study night.

I am also meeting up with a friend in a couple of weeks one eve at her house so the new babysitter can come along again.

A great deal of the problem boils down to a lack of funds....!

Once my boy is 12 I think it is safe to leave him alone one night in the week until 10 p.m. as he can play on his X Box (once I have bought him one that is!) as he will be responsible enough then. I don't like late nights anyway! So I would be back for 10 p.m. Or alternatively I could hire a babysitter for the latter part of the evening as I am sure he could cope at that age minimum 2 hours alone. I already leave him alone occasionally for an hour if I need food at Asda and I am running behind on my schedule.

As for sleepovers he stays at his best friend's house but they are rolling in it as her partner has a very successful car sales business and the whole summer they claim they have no time for an overnight! Charming. I had her boy over last October and it took until May I believe for her to return the favour. I find her very wrapped up in her own life the same as 90 per cent of people out there!

The other thing is I only wish to go to pre established group things or meet up with single women or single men friends as we are usually more on the right wavelength no offence to any wives out there! At least they get single living.

I am quite happy single though that isn't the problem in fact I relish it. I never imagined I could end up so content living alone!

[SoonToBeSix]

I feel for you situation op but there is no way I would leave a 12 year old on their own until till 10pm, it's perfectly fine in the day time but not at night. 14/15 at least.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Can dss dad do more care? especially if he is shortly out of work?

[CremeEggThief]

I'm more or less the same. I occasionally go for a coffee during the daytime with one of my friends, who are all married mums, but I have nobody to go out with for days or nights out and not much spare cash. I have lots of spare time this summer, as DS is at Scout Camp, summer school, and spending a fortnight with his dad, but nobody to share it with :(. I am not that sociable and happy by myself most of the time, so I can just about cope. Only just though. It's lonely.

[exexpat]

Soontobesix - it depends on the 12-year-old. I've been leaving DS alone in the evenings since he was that age, and he's been babysitting his younger sister (four-year age gap) since he was 12/13. Waiting until they are 14 or 15 to leave them alone in the evening sounds ridiculous to me - lots of teenagers are hiring themselves out as babysitters by then. DS is now 15 and I recently left him by himself for a weekend while DD and I went away - all was absolutely fine.

[SoonToBeSix]

I think it depends on the parent expat, my 15 year old dd is very mature was more like 16 at 12 in maturity however she was still 12 so I wouldn't take the chance. 99 percent of the time nothing would happen but I think it is wrong to take the chance with a pre teen.
As for leaving an under 16 ( 15 year old) over night, yes am sure they would be fine but the ncpcc guidelines are there for a reason.

[SoonToBeSix]

Nspcc.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Have you thought about moving - applying for better paid jobs and seeing what happens?

You don't seem to be held where you are by any particular thing apart from circumstance - no family, you say it's clannish where you are and not exactly a social whirl - why not think of moving, maybe further south, for when your son starts secondary?

[exexpat]

I think most people I know (and most people on MN) think the NSPCC guidelines are far too cautious - not leaving a child home alone until they are actually old enough to leave home and live independently makes no sense at all to me. You have to work up to independence gradually.

At 15 I was going on holiday with same-age friends, no mobile phones etc; at 17 I left home to go and live and work abroad by myself. That would be a bit of a leap from having constant adult supervision until age 16.

[NigellasDealer]

could you spare a morning or afternoon in a charity shop or join a language class

[SoonToBeSix]

Yes expat you are right, mumsnet never sees to amaze me thread after thread in the thinking that 16 year olds are adults , back in the real world where I live it is 18. Nothing will change when my dd turns 16 she will be still at school and very much a teenager in mine and her dads care.