Advice on relocating away with DC after divorce?

[meadowquark]

Hi. I am not divorced yet but am wholeheartedly planning it (without DH knowing yet... I want to talk to a lawyer first).

Anyway, I am originally from continental Europe and currently live in a part of London which I have always wanted to move away from for DC's secondary school years.

To put some light on, "D"H is a typical "bachelor husband", only cares for himself, does not share "his" money, comes and goes as pleases, does not engage with DC at all (and I mean it - does not take them anywhere, does not join into mealtimes, does not do bedtime, does not read books for them, does not play with them, does not discipline, does not do homework, is a crap role model which is all very very sad as DC are two boys but I am being a mum and a dad for them). He contemplated taking job contracts away from home, this is just to show that he does not care enough to watch his DC grow.

H's job is not too far away from our current home so I assume he will stay in the area. I have three options:

1. move within 5 miles radius to the best affordable area, commute to the current primary and stay nearby to H.
   
2. move to opposite side of London (smaller town rather than London, I've always wanted to live there but could not because of H's job), assume overall better quality of life but be about 40 miles away from H.
   
   
3. relocate to my home country, live with/near my parents (assuming H agrees with the move). I don't intend to limit the access, but possibly more during school hols. Life quality would increase massively being green, safe, slower-paced enviroment where children walk from school by themselves from the age of 7. My dad is an excellent male role model. Much much much better example than H.
   (another small poin is my aging parents who may need care later and I would like to be there for them and my DC to see the old-young generation taking care for each other).
   
   I don't need to rush decisions but needless to say I am very tempted by option 3).
   But perhaps a crap dad nearby (who may want or may not want to see his DC) is still better than a better quality of life?
   Any insight on this?
   
   Thanks!

[Jesaya]

To be honest option 3 may not be an option.

Obviously if your husband agreed to it then it would be fine but if he doesn't it most likely wouldn't happen.

In the event he doesn't agree I would go for option 2.

What do you think he would say about option 3?

[ILoveTIFFANY]

Ime once divorce starts they start to step up.... He may get a wake up call, or may start to realise he will have to pay more maintenence if he doesn't have them overnight

How old are dc?

[meadowquark]

Jesaya I have no idea but we had a discussion long time ago "what if my parents get old and sick" and he said he did not mind me (and DC) going for a longer time.

Of course I don't know how it would be after divorce. I can only imagine that he may not want us to go but also would not make effort to visit. I believe I could get his permission with a good lawyer.
I can survive without child maintenance so that's not an issue.

My main concern is DC's emotional wealth. Not what my H may or may not want. Is it better to grow up near crap H who is likely to be always too busy to visit? Or near my parents where they can feel love and nurture and see family relationship on daily basis?

H never ever said to DC he loves them. DS1 (who is 6) starts to feel the neglection, I think... DS2 is 3.

[Jesaya]

I understand what you are saying with regards to not really being bothered about your husbands wishes but legally he has a say in his children's upbringing in fact he has an equal say to you. If he objects as far as I know you would be unlikely to be granted permission by a court to move unless you could prove and demonstrate how you would facilitate fair contact between your DC and husband (which is very difficult by the way), even if you could prove this it may still get denied and I think does get denied more than approved.

As ILoveTiffany said many parents step up when they become the NRP and quite honestly I think if this is the case it is more important for your DC to remain close by to their Father. If he steps up that relationship is more important than one with their Grandparents.

I think you would be incredibly unfair to attempt the move against his wishes until you see what happens once you have separated.

Personally I think the best option is no.2 to start with, see how things go and if he doesn't maintain contact with the children revisit option 3.

[Minime85]

What do u think is the best option for your son? That's the answer really as it's the dcs that should come first in any separation. How old is he? Is it suitable to ask his views?

[STIDW]

The best option for your son would be to have both parent's involved and working together, if at all possible. Children who are insecure about their natural parents tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems later in life, such as dysfunctional adulthood relationships. It isn't at all uncommon for a parent who wasn't particularly involved before family separations to become much more involved after separation. Vice versa, a parent who was very involved when the family where together can become quite distant.

For that reason I would wait to see how it pans out. Initially it may be quite chaotic, particularly if your husband hasn't had any time to adjust emotionally to the realities of divorce. In that case it's worth considering relationship counselling so you understand the dynamics of your relationship, understand better where each other is coming from and keep communication open.

Sorting out the divorce, finances and contact arrangements which are best agreed takes time, more time than most people realise. However counselling and/or allowing some time often means constructive progress can be made more quickly and cheaply (lawyers' fees can run into tens of thousands and even hundreds of thousands if there is a complicated court case) with the least damage to long term family relationships.

In any event the legal position is both parents have equal Parental Responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means important decisions such as where a children live, contact, schooling, important medical decisions, changing a child's name and relocating abroad need to be agreed. If no agreement can be reached either party can apply to court and a judge decides. About a third of applications to relocate children abroad are unsuccessful.

[meadowquark]

The thing I had not mention before hat H clearly favours DS2 over DS1. He does not show any love or affection to DS1 and I am afraid it will be damaging his self-esteem in the long run. Not that he shows much affection to DS2, either...

Sometimes I just think staying close to H and realising that H still does not care enough to visit them, would be more devastating than being further away where the distance is a physical obstacle to to visit.

No rash decisions then..