New member. - afraid for my son

[Bluebelle89]

Hi everyone :)

I have just joined mumsnet as I am hoping to find some local activities and some much needed moral support. I have recently become a single mum of an 11 month old (I'm 24) having escaped a violent and abusive relationship. My son's father is now seeking overnight contact even though he has never looked after him for more than a few hours, doesn't know his routine or what to do at night and has been violent to him. I have instructed lawyers but it's so expensive and they're not even very helpful.
I am so scared for my son and am petrified his father will be granted more contact as he is a very smooth talker and is absolutely charming on the surface - no-one ever knew.

Even though I am away my life is controlled my the idea that he will one day flip and hurt my son or decide he wants to take him back to South Africa (where he is from).
I would be really grateful if anyone had any advice/ideas on how to move forward with him on the subject of overnight stays. The lawyers are killing my bank balance.

Thanks in advance :) xx

[AnyoneForTennis]

Can you self rep and get cafcass on board?

If he's been violent to your ds I'm sure it was reported?

[Butterflyspring]

you should qualify for legal aid if there is a history of domestic violence? Women's Aid should be able to help. Have you spoken to any other agencies, the police, your HV or GP about the violence?

[AnyoneForTennis]

I thought legal aid had been scrapped?

[Butterflyspring]

no - not in domestic abuse cases.

[balia]

What have your solicitors said WRT the abuse of your son? When you say you are afraid he will be granted 'more' contact do you mean he has some already?

[3littlefrogs]

Can you speak to your health visitor so that all this is documented?
You should be able to get good advice from womens' aid.
Do you have any proof or corroboration of the DV?

[monsterowl]

What a terrifying and stressful situation. I don't have any knowledge to impart, but wanted to say well done for making the break with your violent ex-partner. I suggest making it widely known among people you know that your partner was violent to you and your son - getting in first with your side of the story could make it less easy for them to smooth-talk them, and if you end up having to argue this in court it would be good to have people you could call upon who can confirm that you confided in them long ago that he was violent. Good luck.

[Bluebelle89]

Thank you to all the helpful replies. I will definitely look into Women's Aid.

He has contact of 2 days a week already now and it's too much for me, especially as he frequently cancels. The problem also is that as he has insisted on these 2 days he wants to up the contact and to be involved in absolutely everything.
I have 2 problems with this - 1) is that I believe he shouldn't have equal right to me as he has not contributed in any way and has shown severe maniuplation and abuse. 2) He doesn't know what to do with our son and has no place of his own even.

The lawyers say that even though he has shown violence to us both he would be granted overnight contact as he has shown he wants to be involved with his son. I don't see how this is possible so wanted some alternative advice...

I am also seeking to add my surname to my son's as well as his (as again they say I would be denied removing his) so am looking at how to do that without court so any advice there ..?!

Thanks so much for the support everyone. It is terrifying but I am glad someone suggested this to me ! X

[Butterflyspring]

well him seeing his child is nothing to do with maintenance - they are both totally separate.

But have you reported his violence to the police? Have you record of what he has done. Does he have contact at a contact centre only?

and sorry but I think your lawyer is wrong. Will you look into getting legal aid and find a better lawyer?

[AnyoneForTennis]

Why have you allowed contact so far if it's not court ordered? Problem is now he's had that a while a judge won't just remove it, he will in fact think as it's been happening it's just sour grapes on your part for trying to stop or reduce it

Do you have evidence of the abuse? You can present this to court as well as a diary? Of times he's failed to show up

[MeMyselfAnd1]

Well, if she hadn't allowed that contact he would already be the baddie in the eyes of the court. Getting an order is only easy or quick if both parents are in agreement.
The fact she is taking her to court is a wonderful thing, as once there is a court process in place he cannot disappear freely back to his country without risking arrest on his return (if he returns).
Yes, you might need to show the court there are genuine grounds for concern about leaving him on his own with his child BUT this is a great opportunity to get it on paper that the child cannot go out of the country without your or tge court's consent.

[MeMyselfAnd1]

I meant "she" would be the baddie.

[AnyoneForTennis]

Not if she had evidence to prove she had valid reservations. He hit a baby? No judge would be surprised contact had been blocked. A section 7 could be ordered with a cafcass report done

He'd still be likely to get contact. ( supervised) But would need to prove himself and turn up

[monsterowl]

Is it possible for you to move away, ideally somewhere he can't find you, but if not then somewhere where it would be a big hassle for him to see his child, meaning that he might get bored and give up? And I'm no expert but please keep a record of absolutely everything - every time he cancels or is manipulative or abusive, absolutely anything that could reflect badly on him.

Re changing your son's surname, if I were you I'd give the registry office a call, they will either know the answer or will be able to point you to someone who can advise.

Agree about refusing him access unless it's court ordered. If you turn up in court and say you don't want your ex-partner to have access to your son because you're worried he'll be violent, but yet you're already voluntarily allowing your ex-partner access, this isn't going to look very convincing.

[cestlavielife]

how is the current contact working? presumably he is learning how to care for your son? is someone supervising this contact?
if you have genuine concerns about possible risk to your son then you would not allow contact at all and would wait for it to go t o court...you need to have reported any abuse of your son and also to you. otherwise it doesn't mean a lot....

[STIDW]

When there is evidence of DV (criminal conviction, police caution, letter from social services or a doctor etc) and you are on a low income you may be entitled to legal aid. Unfortunately if you aren't eligible for legal aid and can't afford a solicitor you will need to represent yourself.

If the father has Parental Responsibility both of you have the equal responsibility and rights to carry out the responsibilities and there is nothing you can do about that. Parental Responsibility is rarely revoked. It's unlawful to change your son's name without consent from all those with Parental Responsibility or permission from the court.

Allegations of DV don't carry much weight unless they are backed up with independent professional evidence e.g. police, social services, medical workers. DV isn't necessarily a bar to contact. The considerations are the effects of the DV on children, whether the risk of harm from DV or witnessing DV outweighs the harm children suffer when they don't have a relationship with one of their natural parents and what measures might be put in place to ensure that parenting is good enough. So your solicitor could be right and the father may well be granted contact.

When daytime care has been established it's difficult to argue against overnights on safety grounds. After all if the child is safe during the day why would he not be safe overnight?

You may have valid points about the father not knowing the routine or what to do if he hasn't been involved in caring for your son overnight but it's a case of thinking about what measures might be put in place so that he can learn to bring his parenting up to a "good enough" standard.

South Africa is a signatory to the Hague Convention so if the father abducted your son the child would be returned to the UK where the child habitually lives for the courts here to decide the way forward. If there is an immediate risk of international child abduction you can apply to court for a prohibited steps order to prevent the child being removed from the UK and for the passports to be held by a solicitor.

Moving away isn't a good idea. It could only make matters far worse and won't prevent contact or overnight stays. The courts have powers to order someone disclosures the whereabouts of a child. That means friends and family or government departments such as the DWP can be ordered to reveal a child's whereabouts.