Going to court with ex on Wednesday-just need some support

[ROZ12]

Hi all,


My ex is taking me to court over more access I'm just really anxious as he still makes me so nervous (domestic violence situation). Also my DD is having to go wit me and she is stressed too. Can I arrange different waiting rooms? I ate seeing him. He is arrogant and confident and I find it hard to get my points across due to nerves and his presence.

Any advice?

[almosthuman]

I am not sure about the waiting rooms but to keep yourself on track write everything down that you want to say, it will keep you on track.

Good luck x

[balia]

Is it completely unavoidable that DD goes? It's really not an appropriate situation for a child to be in. I think you can get a separate room, though - if I remember rightly it said something about it on the paperwork - is it worth a check back through? And you could try writing yourself a list of clear points and notes so you can make sure you get your points heard.

[foolonthehill]

You will be kept separate if you want to be. If you are represented then your lawyer should sort out a room. If you attend by yourself then just talk to the Usher, (be aware they may not be at the desk if you turn up at 9am...they usually appear at 9.30 and disappear again at lunch time). they will direct you to another room and will knock for you when you are called.

When you are in the court concentrate on the Judge or the counsel who is questioning you. Breath lots. Consider whether a tissue with a favourite scent would be a good accessory...scent can transport you away from the situation and enable you to keep sane. even suncream can work if you associate it with good times.

Write down the most important points that you want to get across in bullet points. Although you won't be allowed to take it to the stand it will clear your mind. Stick to the truth/facts, always and try not to be drawn into interpreting it for the court.

If this is the first hearing then it will be for directions and will probably be brief. If it is a finding of fact it will be longer but you will have had notice and submitted a statement.

good luck

[MeMyselfAnd1]

If you are represented your solicitor should be able to find you a room, if you are self representing, ring the court and ask for a room. Please note however that sometimes all rooms get busy, so try to arrive early.

There are two pieces of advice i think helped me:
-look mumsy. Never wear black or too much make up.

• there will be a lot of good friends coming to tell you "poor you! How on EARTH could he do THAT to YOU????"

[ROZ12]

Thank you all. It's first hearing for an hour bit long I thought? I've submitted a statement and dd has to attend would rather be at school.

What does it mean directions and fact find?

[foolonthehill]

I am not a lawyer but I have just been through all this myself:

Directions means that the judge will consider what you and ex may or may not be able to organise between you. Whether more information is needed, whether Cafcass need to be involved or anyone else and whether a finding of fact hearing is needed. She or he will the direct what will happen and (roughly) how long it will take. She or he will also say whether any contact should happen whilst the process is under way.

The time written on the court papers may not reflect the actual time it takes.

A "finding of fact" implies that the are some disputed claims over facts that impact the application...e.g.domestic violence, it is a full hearing where statements are submitted and people are cross examined experts may be called and submit reports. The end ruling finds that something is "true" or "not true" but not to a criminal level of proof...it may reflect only a 60/40 probability. this is supposed to be used to inform the Judge and others about the trustworthiness of applicants and the past history of the relationship.

It is unusual for a minor to be involved in the case but my daughter involved herself and was treated well. try to reassure your daughter and tell her she only has to be truthful and you will love her no matter what she says.

[ROZ12]

Why is my daughter being asked to attend fir directions? The cafcass officer will speak to her and then ? Will her views be presented back to us on the day??

[foolonthehill]

Usually the cafcass officer will attend school or the child will attend the office. Perhaps there has not been enough time for the officer to meet her before the hearing?.

the officer may make a preliminary verbal report either to the judge alone or in front of everyone BUT thy do not like doing this, and prefer to consider their position and write a full report.

How old is she and has she been part of the process in the past?
Has she raise problems with contact. If she is over 14 the Judge may consider that her willingness (or otherwise) to participate in more/different contact is the determining factor.

Do you have an order already or have you organised contact between yourselves.

Make sure you have documented when your ex has had contact (or been offered and failed to turn up) with you. You may also be interviewed by the cafcass officer if there is alleged to be DV

[ROZ12]

She is 11 never been before. We have an order from 2008 laying out contact.

[foolonthehill]

11 would be young to be involved in the hearing. I would expect that she will meet the cafcass officer. Your order was 7 years ago and thus for a 4 year old. her wishes and feelings will definitely be taken into account but would not be determinative.

If you have an order in place and ex is looking for an alteration i would expect that the judge wants to rule on the case on Wednesday and has asked your daughter to be there so she/he does not have to direct for cafcass to interview and then another directions.

If the DV was documented as part of the previous order they will be checking that this has not re-emerged in her current contact with dad.

Ask your daughter to consider what she wants to happen and why she does not need to discuss with you, is there anyone who she can talk to outside the situation? Reassure her. They will be nice to her and she is very unlikely to be interviewed in front of either of you.

[ROZ12]

Ok thank u. Do You think a judge would get annoyed if I ask for reduced contact even thou it'sy exes application to increase contact? My ex leaves my dd on Saturdays and goes to work and comes back late I want Saturdays taken away I'm available.

[titchy]

I am not a lawyer!

What does your dd want with regard to the Saturdays? If she's OK with the principle of contact on a weekend day can you suggest that the Saturday be swapped to another day to allow meaningful contact to take place - might make you seem even more reasonable to the judge.

[BlackeyedSusan]

perhaps talk about dropping her off on a saturday after work?

[cestlavielife]

as she is 11 it is and should be very much about her contact with dad and what her views are too... presumably any dv was pre 2008? or is there anything recent ?

is he asking for increased contact so that it makes up for Saturday when he doesn't see her as is at work?

[ROZ12]

Hi

Just to clarify he wants Thursday overnights dd doesn't. DV was during marriage but few issues have come reagarding mental abuse such as she is scared to express feelings to dad and wears different clothes etc when with him and whoever I want to complain she asks me not to as she says dad will tell me off.

I saying take Thursday overnights but give me back Friday nights and collect her Saturday when back from work as otherwise she is without dad fir whole of Saturday it's not right.

[foolonthehill]

your proposal sounds reasonable. Swap Thursday for Friday night and he has from after work on Saturday as previously.

the emotional manipulation is very hard to deal with but often comes with the whole package of Domestic abuse.

[littlemissminime]

The emotional manipulation? Judges see right through it dont they? Im back in soon and Im abs shitting it, I can see it, SW can see it, will the judges believe it? They wont actually see him ofr the victim he makes out to be will they?

[ROZ12]

Thank you for advice all . I can't believe I can t make it now I've pulled a muscle in my back.

[cestlavielife]

you need to go really unless yo0u get doctors note and ask for adjournment/postponement

[ROZ12]

I'm about to go gp how do I ask for a postponement as no one is picking up phone??

[cestlavielife]

you will need to call the court.

[ROZ12]

I just got through they said a order can go through without me!! I would hate that.

[foolonthehill]

Go if you have to be on crutches/a gurney. The court don't mind an order going through without you (less hassle for them) but YOU DO!

Getting an adjournment is easiest if you can agree it with the opposing counsel and jointly apply. But it is Tuesday....so that may not be possible. You otherwise have to apply in writing and time is ticking away.

[foolonthehill]

It is a nightmare... 3 weeks ago the court made a mistake on who they asked to attend in a DV case (mine) it took 2 days and many many hours on the phone to have it put right due to the centralised helpline being so far removed from the issues.

[ROZ12]

I know it's scary. My letter may not get to the judge it's risky. The court office are very disorganised.

The pain is unbearable afraid it will get worse over night.

But i best go even fainted due to pain!