Is it just me that feels this way?!

[equinox]

I have been single since my son was 5 months raising him entirely alone and he is now 9. I was married 3 times before I had him and I had my boy at the age of 41 so I was somewhat 'seasoned' shall we say!

I have naturally had to grow into an extra strong person to shoulder the task of single parenting and on top of that have had no real family support as my parents are deceased and there are no siblings of mine.

Although the ex has always seen our son I can honestly say that the few men I have agreed to date and get to know it has turned out that they just haven't 'hit the spot'. I am now no longer expecting a 'knight in shining armour' to mend or rescue me that is just naive.

People cannot fix you we can only fix ourselves and for that we need strong coping skills and a good friendship circle.

I really do not see many benefits of moving in with another man - my son's father was the 4th live in relationship to start with....!

I enjoy my space once my son has gone to bed and relish my me time the precious bit I do have beyond work and mundane tasks. I need that valuable small bit of spare time for hobbies and 'me' not somebody else. I find men detract from me they do not enhance.

Is it we just get fussier as we get older? I really don't envy women stuck with partners they live with. The only thing I envy is the cash and the holidays!!

Ideally I would like a part-time boyfriend but it does not have to be at the moment perhaps when my boy is in secondary school and less immature.

I currently don't have any access by the ex either as he got violent so it was stopped so only supervised access is allowed at present. I really don't have much me time as it is.

I find older men act a bit bossy or potentially talk down to us if they are dating us - they never seem to understand why money is tight - they feel I need unsolicited advice when I understand money extremely well and always have. It is as if they feel they are doing me a favour by spending time with me does anybody else feel this way?

I just don't see how they can enhance my life at this stage. It is better to enjoy men as friends instead and I do have a few of those.

There is also a certain societal norm or expectation that we get hooked up and coupled up to fit in in the world out there so I sense a little pressure but I just do not wish to give in to it as things stand owing to the sorry lack of talent. It may be my age group too i.e. men are less stubborn and set in their ways if they are younger.

Very interested in any personal experiences or opinions ladies!

[revealall]

Ok I have the part time boyfriend but it is not as easy as it sounds.

For a start it won't work well with someone you really fancy. You'll end up wanting more and speaking from experience part time gets dull 8 years down the line with nothing to show for it.
Conversely if you find someone you like but nothing else you end up thinking you are wasting time and feel that urge to really lust after somebody.
In addition if they like you more than you like them you can feel a bit disingenuous for want of a better word knowing you wouldn't want it to go further. If you like them more than they like you run the risk of becoming a bit paranoid even if you don't care that much.
I do get the holidays, presents on birthdays, nice meals out. BUT I would say it only works short term. Long term it feels a bit of a cop out. And friends don't understand because you have nothing to complain about when it's all meals out and nice things.

[Russettbella1000]

No, I feel like you too...
I honestly can't be bothered but still feel conditioned to (although I resist this:0). To that end, I'm on a dating site atm but less than half-heartedly... I was actually seeing someone a couple of months back, all good on paper but then when it came to anything going forward I just had to cool it off as I just don't want our little world (me and DD) to be compromised. We have a fab time and I'm only looking for someone who could enhance that and that's probably not that an attractive proposition for anyone.

But, dd is only 2 so I'm sure my feelings will change (maybe??)but I was hard to convince into a relationship before she came along so I'm even worse now. I do feel you should really like your own company first before embarking on a relationship-I'm pretty wary of co-dependency. I feel there's a lot of it about and don't feel it's a healthy place to be. Moreover, I would never want my daughter to see that either..

[equinox]

I do totally agree with you Russett!

It is interesting what you say with regard to codependency as so many women are totally dependent on their partner for so many things - I have been that in the past with previous relationships - but I have grown so much stronger as a person with my boy I know I don't need to worry about that in the future.

I like my company a great deal and enjoy hobby time etc. as well as time with friends. Perhaps when our children are older we will feel more inclined. I do not feel I have the patience for a man either as I still need quite a lot of patience with my 9 year old so there is no surplus left to tolerate anybody else at present!

[Russettbella1000]

...Ha ha about liking your own company 'a great deal' -I definitely feel this and think it so strange when others appear almost fearful of it...That can't be good! Yep, all in all feel very zen with myself at the moment.Of course while I love friends' company too, I don't need it. I appreciate it when it's there but look forward to coming home to myself a lot...:0))

[UncrushedParsley]

I have been married twice, and can't see myself going back for another go... I have DP of one year, but we don't live together. Don't know if I ever want to live with anyone again. DD is 16 and gets on really well with him. I love him dearly, but both divorces cost me emotionally and financially a great deal, and I don't want to risk that again. It works well at the moment.

[equinox]

Not just me who is 'enlightened' then !

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Same here. Raising my son single-handedly, with no family support at all. He was 6 months when ExH did a runner. He's 6 now and an absolute joy still.

I've remained single and frankly, can't ever imagine getting into a relationship again. I was 43 when H abandoned us and have just turned fifty.

I see lots of marriages around me - couples fighting and bitching in front of their children, or moaning about how the partner does little around the house, or gets drunk, or is useless with their children etc.

Some marriages seem to be vary happy but I'm not envious at all. I love my own company and ds and I have a good, close and loving bond.

There are things I do miss or feel sad about; it's hard work doing everything on your own and often I could really do with some help around the house (I need to get a wardrobe upstairs but can't do it on my own!).
It's pretty relentless always being the one to do the school run, homework, washing, cooking, entertaining, clearing up etc.

I'm sad that Ds has no father. He misses having a dad and says so quite often. He loves being picked up and swung around/shoulder rides etc but he's now just a bit too heavy. He has no grandparents/uncles/cousins etc - no family at all (I am NC with my family and anyway they are scattered all over the country, none of them lives even remotely close to us) so no male 'role models' at all really, apart from Stampy Longhead on YouTube

I don't miss sex at all. When H left, I discovered he'd been doing all sorts of weird sex crap behind my back and that totally floored me. Put me off sex totally. I can use my imagination though when the moment takes me

The entire experience has definitely made me a stronger person. I have learned new skills (decorating, tiling, using my fab cable-free electric drill etc) I grow vegetables and am passionate about cooking, have lots of barbecues in summer and light a roaring fire in the winter. Ds

Financially it's a big struggle but I am planning to set up a business next year. Fingers crossed. Basically, I love my son so much and being a mother is very fulfilling and rewarding. I was an emotional mess when H left and I never want to be in that sort of pain again.

[equinox]

Good for you UnlikelyAmazonian.

I take my hat off to you - although I have no family support my son's father has always been proactive with access although this is now not permitted unless supervised. I did have that for a number of years so to think you have managed with no access and no family is amazing.

I find we just get so much stronger than many a wife and a bloke out there and without bragging I do not wish to be dependent again lol.

Perhaps a part-time option when my boy is a little older ....

[howtoapproachthis]

its been 2 years now and i can't imagine living with someone else again. i was dependent on him, and when i separated i was actually much happier, and just got stronger and stronger. when i look at my friends marriages, most of them are ok but i notice that they do all the housework and childcare and their dhs are so so lazy and get away with everything. there is no way i could handle that, not after coming out of a bad relationship and having 'wised up'. i would definitely put the boundaries down. i NEED my own space. i like cooking what and when i want and not having to do a big dinner for him. i like making the decisions and not having to argue about seeing his family (whom i find difficult) he wants to work things out now with me, so i will have to think about all these things and if we were to get back together, most definintely i will be making him aware of how things will be if he was to move back in (ie he needs to give me 'me time' etc) if we weren't getting back together i honestly don't think i would want another relationship. my dd takes all my energy and i want anything left over to help and support myself, not spend it on a relationship.

[Lioninthesun]

I'm with all of you lovely ladies here. I can't imagine living with another man. I relish my time alone once DD is in bed and today have only just got ready to have a shower! I like the fact no one can moan at me if I ever have the chance of a lazy day in with DD with no pressure to get dressed! If I put on a bit of weight no one will see it and I won't feel pressured to look a certain way to 'keep my man' as I see going on so much around me.

I am a little in need of a bit of nookie though. I don't really know what to do about that as I don't put myself in situations to meet men let alone have time to do anything! Other than that and the idyllic day trips you always imagine (but never seem to happen) with a man driving, helping and playing with DC's I am all set.
Oh, a bin fairy would be nice too

[MargotThreadbetter]

Liking this thread!
I also can't be bothered with meeting anyone at the moment, I'm quite happy how things are with just DS and I.
A couple of my friends don't believe me however, but they are the sort of women who have to have a man around at any cost.
I had my son late in life and feel so lucky to have him. I don't want anyone to come into our lives and rock the boat as it were.
It's always nice though, to hear about single parents who meet a lovely partner!
As a PP said, they would really have to enhance what you already have, if not, what's the point? (Apart from sex maybe )

[equinox]

I am pleased we are enjoying the thread lol.

As for sex just log onto plenty of fish it is a bit of a shag fest on there for anyone who needs some action over the summer. I would use one's discernment however! I can't be bothered though....

Yes there are a large number of women who don't believe you that you can cope alone and prefer it to stay that way - where I live in this part of the country by far the majority - they aren't independent types. It's their loss and our gain girls!

[MargotThreadbetter]

I think they think it somehow justifies their own less than wonderful relationships equinox!
And from what I've heard about PoF... I'd rather chew off a limb

[frames]

Hi there, please can I join in? Its great to hear that others feel the same as me. On bad days I feel surrounded by 2 parent and extended families, and that I am a bizarre woman who has been deserted by all and sundry, so therefore must be a weido, and my dd behaviour is over monitored for any sign of neglect! The reality, Dd and I have a ball....and I do think there is a bit of envy about our freedom.

[Lioninthesun]

Urgh PoF is likely to turn up a 19yo herpes riddled moron IME. I'm not sure it would be worthwhile .
I've got a few men I think would, but think it could confuse things considerably.
So so pleased to have been able to completely ignore the World Cup other than a few FB posts! We've been far to busy having an actual life to care or waste any money on that.

[Enb76]

I have been single for 6 years and don't really need anyone but... I am aware that it would be unfair on my child to only have her as my main focus. I need a life outside of her and apart from hobbies (which I have) I think it would be quite nice to have a bloke to do stuff with.

I don't want someone in my life constantly, I certainly don't want to live with someone but having someone to go out to dinner with or go to the theatre or sailing or... Would be nice and my female friends don't quite cut it in that regard.

[equinox]

Lol know what you ladies mean about POF that is when we are feeling desperate but handy for a phase eh.

I don't need that phase either!

Men as friends can be acquired through hobbies in theory ...

[todayisnottheday]

I've been single 7 years now and I have no wish to change that. I'm not great in relationships, I tend to be needy and not share well on my own I'm strong, organised and happy. I have plenty of male friends.

I do agree about the part time bf though. It would be nice to bring someone in to watch a movie sometimes or cook a nice meal or something but they'd have to be happy to just want me when I wanted them - which would never be fair obviously, so I don't bother. Oddly there's little that I miss. Maybe once my dc have left home I'll feel different but right now I can't imagine it.

[Ninetysixpercent]

I'm with you OP. Been raising mine alone for 6 years and have zero desire, or time, for a relationship. Apparently it's not normal to feel like this and granted the majority of women and men do seem to have a need for a relationship. Luckily I don't generally give a damn what others think.
I'm lucky my son spends several days a week with my Dad who is like a Dad to him so he's not missing on the male 'role model'. I'm also lucky my dad is not at all macho but caring, compassionate and kind. I really couldn't dream up a better role model.
Like most LP's I have to do absolutely everything and pay for it all too. On top of running a house/raising a child and working I'm also studying for a degree. Where on earth would I fit a relationship in? I relish spending my precious free time with ds and am not willing to sacrifice that for any man.
Am also very fond of my alone time, have lived by myself for years and can't imagine sharing my home with another adult. I think I'm just too independent for most men and as you say OP all my patience is used up parenting and I honestly don't have the energy a relationship requires.
I feel happy and fortunate most of the time despite the overwhelming responsibility I carry and count my blessings every day.

[equinox]

It's good to know it isn't just me who feels this way lol.

I think it is important to spend time getting to know ourselves and liking ourselves, without being self-obsessed of course. If we have that in the bag then we are generally all the stronger for it. Second after that is a healthy friendship circle.

[sezamcgregor]

Men are a funny breed and definitely do not get the insane independence that being a single parent gives to us.

As for me, I like sex too much to not still want to look for that Happily Ever After - but know it won't happen over night and will take lots of compromising.

At least we have our gorgeous children, and our friends.

[UncrushedParsley]

I enjoy the sex too :) Don't have to live with them for that Seza Many years ago, after divorce no 1, I said that I would like a man to live in the air-raid shelter in my garden. (I did really have one, it wasn't a figment of my imagination). Then he could come out for things like Putting Up Shelves and Rumpy Pumpy. It was a bit tongue in cheek, and in reality I have a good relationship with DP, but you get the idea.....

[Meglet]

As much as I miss sex I'm too much of a mother tiger who wants to protect the dc's and not rock the boat by introducing a step-dad.

They go to a lovely school, we have a manageable work / school / activity schedule, I simply don't have the time, energy or babysitters to socialise.

Although I loved watching the world cup, twitter is a hilarious alternative to another person on the sofa. XP would have got the hump during matches, whereas I can enjoy it in peace these days.

[equinox]

In my exp. once we marry them they don't always provide endless hot sex lol.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Another one here. It started because I didn't want my daughter to live through the emotional rollercoaster that all my previous romances had entailed and then just not meeting anyone worthwhile. I really would have had to meet a prince on a white charger who was willing to kiss a frog otherwise much better was we were.