not using a solicitor and contact issues

[MsColouring]

I am also posting in legal and step parenting to try and get a range of responses.

A bit of background:

Me and ex split three and a half years ago. Divorce finally came through last month and I paid off what I hoped would be the last legal bill to my solicitor.

Last year my ex took me to court to try and get a shared residence order and have the children 50:50. He lost, but at court a contact order was drawn up, eow, half the holidays, alternate Christmases - the usual. Things seemed to settle for a while but since last September (when my dp moved in) he has been really difficult. E.g. After a genuine mix up over contact weekends he called the police saying I was denying contact, he tried to twist the words of the contact order to say he should have the children Christmas day and Boxing day and he took the children to NI over Christmas without telling me despite me repeatedly asking him whether he was taking them. He has also denied phone contact.

He has repeatedly gone to his solicitor whenever things haven't gone his way, even when I've attempted to reason with him so I have had to get my solicitor to respond in an attempt to get things resolved.

A couple of months ago I received a letter from his solicitor looking for clarity on a number of issues (which I had already given my ex a direct response to) and trying to get me to sign an irrevocable consent for him to take the children to NI. My solicitor responded saying I would not sign the consent because I have never denied consent - just asked for clarification on when he was taking them and for him to let me know that they have got there safely.

I had another letter last week over something else to do with the court order (court order says the last 2 days of the holidays should be with me - he wants this only to be the summer holidays, it has always meant summer, Easter and Christmas). As well as this, summer dates have not been resolved - he told me dates, I asked for a couple to be changed, he said he would think about it then didn't give me an answer. I asked him again, he said he needed to contact his solicitor and he hasn't got back to me. I texted him last night with what I think is a very reasonable compromise - no response.

He does not return texts. The only communication is through the contact book.

I am tired of it but I cannot afford, and do not think it should be necessary to use my solicitor every time he has an issue.

So I am thinking that I might start to bypass my solicitor and start responding to his solicitor directly. I was wondering if anyone has experience of doing this and if anyone can give me any advice please.

[MuttonCadet]

DH always answered the solicitors direct, why pay when it's responding to basic queries. More fool him for using them.

In fact if you respond to each point in a separate mail or ask questions via his solicitor then it'll cost him even more.

[Pumpkinpie11]

I respond to all my ex's solicitor's threatening letters myself!!
It's not hard to write a letter, in fact I just email her.
She's very aggressive so sometimes I have to stop myself replying to emails until I've calmed down and I read & re read what I have written to ensure I haven't said anything I'll regret later.
I've saved thousands!

[Molio]

Only use solicitors when you absolutely have to, certainly not for responding to basic queries - don't be intimidated. Not only does this direct approach avoid wasting money, it also shows you're not scared.

[lostdad]

There are a few options open to you. I'm assisting more and more mums these days in your situation (I am a McKenzie Friend) since the changes to legal aid. By and large they are facing the same problems the dads I have helped for a long time.

I'd recommend you join Families Need Fathers, a parenting charity which despite the name welcomes all separated parents who are going through, amongst other things, the problems you detail. There's a useful forum and support meetings across pretty much the whole country (I've just been posting on the FNF forum to a mum who has just joined and who is having problems!) The forum AND support meetings have solicitors who are happy to provide free advice and you'll find McKenzie Friends there too if you need help (who generally charge, but at a far reduced rate of solicitors - make sure you ask for details of their background, CV, etc. before you use!)

It's a common tactic to use a solicitor in an attempt to intimidatey. It's a common tactic to play fast and loose with a court order too. It's also a common tactic to try to wear the other side down financially too.

It is worth using someone else to read your responses to a solicitor before you reply and to leave it at least a day before you respond - you don't want to be firing off an angry email that will be included in court documents to `prove' you are an abusive contact denier or something else horrible!

[MeMyselfAnd1]

I really don't know what the letters he is sending are saying, but sometimes ignoring them may be the best option (ie: if you have already answered the same old question 300 times, albeit with an answer he would like changed).

When I could see it was essential to reply, I would reply myself bit send the letter to his solicitor (who onviously charged him for forwarding them).

Just be careful not to agree to anything you don't completely understand)

[MeMyselfAnd1]

Agree 200%. Never ever EVER reply to a letter wnen you are angry or upset. Take your time to calm down, read the letter again, and send the response when you are clear about what you want to het from sending that letter.

There is no rule demanding immediate response or a response at all, his solicitor is NOT the judge overseeing the proceedings, so don't bother about convincing solicitor that you are in the right or you are the nice person (he might now that already but he is paid to defend his client)