Another interfering OW thread... WWYD?

[whattodoforthebest2]

So DD15 sees XH and OW every weekend and more often than not comes home with hair done differently, plans for a dramatic haircut, new make-up and clothes wish list etc etc. This has been the case from the word go (several years now) and I've managed to keep calm and make small (or not so small) changes as and when. She recently came home asking if OW could take her for a haircut in the summer holidays - the on my face was adequate response.

I try to ignore and carry on but it really pisses me off and I wish she'd stop trying to encourage DD to do this. OW is a lot younger than me, but I'm happy for DD to get clothes, make-up, dip-dyed hair etc. It's the constant input from her that makes me see red. Before long I'll be suggesting DD takes their DD1 for a haircut!! So WWYD?

[purpleroses]

If she's 15 can't she go on her own for a haircut?

Maybe you could get out of the issue by saying that she's old enough to go on her own now and helping her set this up? You can't really stop her otherwise I don't think.

[whattodoforthebest2]

No, its not having the haircut that bothers me, it's the fact that I now know that every time she comes home, there'll be a new hairstyle planned, new make up/clothes style she's wanting to try. I enjoy doing this myself with my DD, not having OW's input every week.

[purpleroses]

I still don't think there's much you can do about it though really is there? She's 15 - lots of girls her age are off with their friends planning hairstyles, buying clothes, etc - rather than out with their mums anyway. You can't really "own" them at 15 and be the only person who gets a say in how they dress and what they do with their hair.

[nefnaf]

oh I feel your pain, I would hate that. And actually I'm conscious of it with my DP's DD - she's only 7, but likes having her nails painted. She asked me to do it a few weeks ago and I missed a beat then said I didn't have any polish with me. Could just imagine how much it would rile me for my daughter to come home 'marked' by the new DP of my ex. Let alone if that person was also OW. The difficulty is when the DC are old enough to ask, saying no an upset them - maybe your DD is instigating it, in an attempt to find some common ground with the OW who has shown up? Or even taking advantage of the situation to get some kickback from OW's guilt? I wouldn't blame her and my 15yo self would have done that, for sure. I would have been really angry with the situation at that age.

Not sure what to suggest but a hand hold and here for you. I know how much the OW situation sucks. X

[Juicyjuicer]

Try seeing it in a positive way that your DD and the OW get on really well. If the OW hasn't already gone and had her hair cut / dyed etc without your permission in the past few years then I very much doubt that she would plan to any time soon.

I don't think you can blame the OW for your daughter growing up and wanting to do things without you.

Do you and OW have any contact at all? Is it something you could raise with her (OW)?

[Smelsa]

Isn't it good they are getting on well? Far rather your situation than a child coming home crying because OW ignored her the whole time.

[whattodoforthebest2]

I know, and I do appreciate the fact that they get on well and DD loves going to see their DCs etc. It's nothing to do with DD doing things without me - I completely agree that this is the time to let her go and do things with friends and I absolutely encourage that and instigate a lot of independence with her friendship groups. But the OW is a different matter - I've been through the whole watching X factor together/looking at fashions/gossip magazines/who's our favourite celeb this week - all sorts of things that cut me to the core because not only has this woman wrecked the family life I had before, it feels as if she's still taking bits of it.

Sorry for the rant - she's my girl after all.

[Juicyjuicer]

I don't really know what you mean by 'taking bits of it'? She sounds as though she is literally just having fun with your daughter. What is it that concerns you so much??

[frames]

I get it. I am not particularly fashion conscious or over made up, don't do celebs, reality TV. Exdh gf tried all this, fortunately it didn't last. Ex MIL also tried to girlyfy dd, and realised early doors she just wasn't built like that. I was upset by both their influence at the time, but now feel a bit sad that dd recognises such superficial lifestyles, but they can't.

[MuttonCadet]

I think you might want to grateful that she taking an interest and being kind to your daughter.

Second wives just can't win can they?

[Juicyjuicer]

Just to add - you mention the OW wrecked your family life - I think you may find it was your EXh that did that? You can't blame OW for your husband leaving, as far as I know these men aren't led away in handcuffs...

[Guitargirl]

I think you are getting a bit of a rough time OP. I am not surprised you are feeling this way about the OW and I think I would be exactly the same. How old was your DD when your ex left? If I was the OW I would probably be feeling pretty guilty at playing a part in the splitting up of a family. Maybe she is trying to make amends to your DD somehow. Maybe she is afraid your ex is also going to leave her. Who knows.

[purpleroses]

I can see it hurts you more because it's the OW ashes doing things with. But it doesn't really make any difference to your relationship with her whether it's the OW, her dad or her friends really does it? You're still her mum, but she's 15 and spending (half?) her weekends away from you. She's going to spend the time doing things teenage girls like doing isn't she? She can't spend them all doing nothing and counting the hours til she's back with you can she?

[Pimpf]

I get it. Not sure what you can do though

[nefnaf]

sorry you're getting such a rough ride OP. I totally get it, and your feelings are really normal. You should be allowed to vent/express your sadness without being told to be grateful to the OW!

For what it's worth, I can be grateful to the OW for not being horrible to my DC when they go there e.o.w and STILL feel sad that they aren't at home. The two things aren't mutually exclusive. Seems a bit harsh to assume that the OP doesn't have a right to feel the negatives that come with family breakdown just because her DD's SP isn't a total bitch.

And this is not about second wives never winning, not at all. It's about how the OP feels - which she has every right to express, surely? She's not stopping her DD or telling her not to do it, is she? Give her a break!

[Juicyjuicer]

The OP isn't getting a rough ride it just seems we are all a bit miffed as to why exactly the OW is the problem here? Is it because they watch x factor together? Or because she mentioned changing her hair? OR GOD FORBID they discuss the latest fashions?!

It just seems there is more to it than this as this is surely just the tip of the iceberg. As purple said the OW doesn't effect your relationship with your DD so why worry? OP you are her mum and will ALWAYS be her mum. The OW will never replace that and if she has her own DD as you mention - why would she want to??

[UncrushedParsley]

I get it what. I see why it feels she's having bits of your life. My dd(16) has a step mother who treats her like a step-child when it suits (no room of her own, needs put after the others etc) and then wants to intefere in other stuff as if she were her mother. Really kills my pig. It's hard to swallow, when her dad also favours the step children. I have learnt nothing I say to XH helps, in fact can make it worse (he likes mind-games) and I have an arrangement where a couple of good mates let me have a rant every now and then, and will reality check whether I am being reasonable or over-reacting a bit to her inteference cos I don't like the bitch step mum.

[Squeegle]

Of course it's painful! For someone who didn't choose a break up, to have their daughter going away every other weekend and bonding with someone else is always going to be situation that you didn't dream of. Whether "you'll always be her mother", or not, there are some mother/daughter activities which are very special. I quite understand that feeling- and yes isn't it great that she's not a wicked stepmother... But actually, in an ideal world there would be no step mother.

[LtEveDallas]

If its been several years, is OW not ExH's partner or wife now?

Is holding on to this much anger or resentment good for any of you? Do you have a partner yet?

[OddBoots]

I would be annoyed at anyone, whoever they were, encouraging my dd to focus so much on how she looks, teens have enough pressure as it is.

[Whatever21]

I can see both sides -at least she is being nice
.It galls me when OW, even takes my DCS to the park with her DCS and EX - I resent her spending anytime with my children. I can do nothing about..

Yes Juicyjuicer - the husband left and we all get that.But please do not make out that the OW is innocent and not responsible equally for the destruction she and the EX have wreaked on innocent children and often wives.

He knew he was married and broke his marriage, she knew he was married and still pursued a relationship. Either way they are both as bad as each other. But the sanctimonoius - aren't you glad she is nice to the DCS -poor stepmother can not win.

You cannot fully understand the meaning of bitterness and heart gripping pain if you have not gone through a massive rejection, by someone who you loved and trusted and the person who they did that with. You are brushed out of their life and made to feel worthless. It demolishes your confidence and self respect and for a long time you exist in a suspended state -reliving good and bad memories. Your DCS keep you moving forward.

Eventually you move on but certain things will always gall you and anything the OW ( in my case she was a friend) does will always cause pain - I believe in karma, it just seems to be taking a long time in coming - to the whore who has so far wrecked 3 marriages, had 3 kids by 3 blokes, been pregnant by 4 blokes but walks around playing the innocent party in my life and claims she is scared of me!

[Juicyjuicer]

Shit whatever I'd be scared of you too!!

You make a valid point but as OP mentioned it has been years, surely things have moved on? Is she really the OW now or the ExH's wife? In which case she will obviously be close to your daughter which is how it should be whether you like it or not. The fact that OP refers to her as the OW is odd if it's years later anyway. However I don't detect bitterness. I think it's more a realisation of your little girl getting older and making her own decisions.

I say have a word with the OW if you are getting that annoyed.

[Whatever21]

An OW is an OW till the day she dies to the wife and mother who has to pick up the pieces.

As the one left behind, you are expected to let the most precious things in your life, go off with the most selfish, self absorbed pair of twunts and you suck it up - for your DCS.

I smile and tell the DCS it is all wonderful that they have a nice time and I am glad that they do. Does not make the hurt go away - no matter how long - and I have moved on. Unless you have been there - you can not understand.

[LtEveDallas]

An OW is an OW till the day she dies to the wife and mother who has to pick up the pieces

What, even when both parties have happily re-married?

That seems a little umm, intense