help please...quick..

(24 Posts)
Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 08:21:54

Exp is picking the dc up at 11.30. Dd2 has cried since she got up as she doesn't want to go. I have text exp to say he might want to her to talk about what they are going to do. Hes refused and said im making uo issues. Im not. He sees dc once a month usually however I have asked him to increase contact so he has seen them last weekend and today is arranged.
Please give me some advice. It breaks my heart to see dd2 so upset surely its not good for her. Do I force her to go. I no longer do handovers as I was trying to avoid upset at handovers.

He wont even call her. There is no relationship there. My last lettet to his sol (he instructed sol as he said i put obstacles in the way of him and dc...i never have) said he needs to call them more and see them at least once a fortnight. I haven't had a response.

Please help. Im sat in the kitchen crying. Im at a loss. Their dad is just impossible.

Sorry if this post is all over the place

nomoretether Sat 28-Jun-14 08:26:26

How old is she?
Can she see you crying?

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 08:27:16

Sorry about typos. Meant to say I have text exp and said he might want to ring her to talk about what they are going to do.

I have so far been unable to console her.

Thebluedog Sat 28-Jun-14 08:27:35

Didn't want to read and run.

How old Is dd2? How long is he having her for?

If it's only for a few hours I might be tempted to just let her go, it might be like when you drop some kids off at nursery, cry for 5 mins then they are fine. Or is it more deep seated upset?

It will be difficult if sols are involved and there is a court order stating he can see them

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 08:35:21

There is no court order. Dd2 is 2 1/2. He instructed sols to frighten me. Nothing came of it. He I got two letters. Both my replies said see them twice a month and week nights if possible to build a relationship. Every handover she crirs. Handover is done at a family members now as I thought it was perhaps because dc didn't want to leave because I was there.
Exp was emotionally abusive and lies about everything. He is in a new relationship. I wonder sometimes if it would be easier to deal with his new gf

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 08:38:13

She didn't see me crying

HappySunflower Sat 28-Jun-14 08:39:26

If there's no legal agreement in place I wouldn't send her.
For a child of this age to be put through this with someone she has no attachment is just wrong. He needs to build that up first.

nomoretether Sat 28-Jun-14 08:42:24

How is she going to build an attachment if she doesn't go?

I know it's awful but it is normal. If there's no welfare concerns, I would send her. I had the same with my DC when they were younger. In my mind it's the same as if they didn't want to go to nursery or the doctors or the supermarket.

You sound really quite anxious, understandably, and it's likely she will be picking up on that emotion.

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 08:48:17

Surely this difference is this is her father. She should want to go.

Him refusing to call is just shocking. I am trying my hardest to help their relationship. Surely he should put some effort in too.

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 08:55:41

He has just called. Dd2 had already calmed down.

I hate all this. Please tell me it gets easier

nomoretether Sat 28-Jun-14 09:07:22

No, it's not that straight forward. Handovers are really hard for adults and children and all sorts of things can set off tears and tantrums. I found the best way to deal with it was to shut off my emotions, be really matter of fact with them and treat it exactly the same as any other time my DC had to do something they didn't want to.

And yes, it gets easier smile you'll tie yourself in knots trying to get him to do more than he wants to do, I wouldn't waste your energy.

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 09:49:54

I dont think it is my job to build his relationship with his children.

I have said my piece to him through his solicitor. See them more...its that simple. It upsets me that I even have to tell him that.

I want them to want to go and I want them to have a nice time when they are with him, which they do.

Exp left to go work abroad when dd1 was 2. He never even spoke to me about it. He just announced he was going. He came bk after a year. He has never been hands on and has only wanted his idea of regular contact since February this year.

Has him not playing an active role affected my dc do u think? This will be the reason they have no bond with him won't it? Is anyone an expert in this?

nomoretether Sat 28-Jun-14 10:01:45

I'd be surprised if they have no bond at all but yes, if he is seeing them infrequently then the bond won't be particularly strong.

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 10:53:19

There is no bond..neither of them want to go. Neither of them talk about him they don't even want to speak to him when he does call.

Do I continue to make her go even when shes distressed. Will this cause any damage or resentment. I just don't know what to do for the best

nomoretether Sat 28-Jun-14 11:11:42

You said upthread that they have a nice time when they go?

Diasypops, I'm not sure what I can tell you in terms of advice, but I thought it might help to tell you some of my experience.

Me and Ex split up when DS was 6 months old. We quite quickly worked our way up to overnights as DS and Ex had a fairly good relationship/ bond. As he got older that turned into every other weekend.

Ex has always seen DS every other weekend. When DS started to get old enough to know what was going on, he would cry at handover. When he became able to speak he would say 'no daddy'. We moved handover to nursery (I would drop him off in the morning, EX pick him up in the afternoon) and there wasn't so much issue and nursery told me DS was happy to see Ex when he came to pick him up.

Now DS is more verbal I speak to him on the phone when he is with Ex and he has a lovely time, I can hear him enjoying himself.

However, although it has been 3 years, Ex has had trouble providing a stable environment, which I think has made DS feel slightly less secure when with him. So even now, DS will often say he doesn't want to go to his Dad's and doesn't like him to me/ my parents/ others. And there has been a couple of occasions where Ex has had to pick DS up from me and we have had tears. To be honest I think it's got more to do with him not wanting to leave me, and the home where he spends most of his time and feels most comfortable, than not actually having a bond with DS.

We are both just trying to reassure him, and treat it fairly matter of fact. But I know for a fact that within a short time of leaving me he is having fun with his dad!

Does that help? To know that a child who has seen his Dad every other weekend still has some of the uncertainty and unwillingness to go?

wannabestressfree Sat 28-Jun-14 14:17:01

My ex partner worked abroad for long periods of time and I helped nurture their relationship. They are still relatively young and I think actually it is partly your job to help. You said you wanted him to see them more and he is. It is in the children's best interest to have some sort of relationship however that is defined. What about men who are away in the Army? It doesn't negate their relationship. A positive spin and wise words are what's needed.

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 14:34:25

I always have and always will encourage a relationship with him. But it takes some effort on his part. Yes he has seen them two weekends in a row but it is usually once a month. In between the 4 weeks there is probablyttwo phonecalls if that and that is because I asked him.

Exp was never around. He has never been hands on. Never took them out when we were together I did it all alone hence one of the reasons why we separated.

luckily by the time he picked them up dd2 had settled down and was happy to go.

Daisypops Sat 28-Jun-14 14:38:05

They do have a nice time when they go. But neither of them want to go and neither mention him when they don't see or hear from him for weeks on end. I am not the bitter ex. I say positive things and talk about how they'll have a lovely time and daddy loves them and wants to see them. My point is the dc cant be kept in his top pocket for only the days he sees them. He neefs to build his relationship and communicate with them

nomoretether Sat 28-Jun-14 15:04:04

That would be ideal, yes, but you can't force it.

Telephone calls are rarely successful for young children, btw, so probably not worth getting too bothered about that.

I don't think you are bitter but it does sound like your feelings about the situation are perhaps colouring your views. It's heartbreaking to have an ex that doesn't value your children in the way you know they deserve.

The not wanting to go may well be something else and if they have a good time while they're there then I wouldn't worry about that too much. That sounds more like them not liking the process of handovers than not liking going to dads. It's also normal that they don't talk about their "other life" while they're home. It can be more comfortable for them to keep their two worlds apart.

I'm glad your DD settled and was happy to go. That's a really good sign. This will get easier, it will just take some time.

You can't make him do more. The more you push, the harder he'll dig his feet in. Just do what you can and leave his stuff up to him. If the children are asking for phone calls then perhaps ask him but I wouldn't bother otherwise.

Daisypops Sun 29-Jun-14 12:15:54

Thanks for your replies.

The next thing is sleepovers. Dd1 will apparently be on an airbed in his games room. There is no where for dd2. I have a right to ask about sleeping arrangements dont I? There was some talk a while ago about dd2 sharing a bed with exp and his new partner. Surely not. Can I say no based on that? Exp will probably lie about sleeping arrangements though angry

nomoretether Sun 29-Jun-14 13:32:00

Sharing a bed with dad perhaps but not with his new girlfriend too. Asking for suitable sleeping arrangements sounds more than fair to me. He has a games room but not a bedroom for them to share? Surely DD2 would be better in one of those "ready bed" things? But as a short term solution. Long term they need proper beds IMO.

lunar1 Sun 29-Jun-14 13:40:37

He should provide some kind of bed, your dd should not be sleeping with his girlfriend.

Daisypops Sun 29-Jun-14 18:25:41

Thank you. Thats what I thought but I know he will lie. He already told his solicitor they can choose decoration for their room. I asked dd1 and she conf they dont have a room. His partners dc has a room, exp and gf have a room and daddy has a man cave....oh dear. Dd1 is on man cave floor.

He'll lie..nothing I can do really. But if dd2 has slept with him and gf what can I do?

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