Letter contact making me ill: alternatives?

(9 Posts)
Losingthelastmarble Sat 28-Jun-14 01:55:39

Atm ds's dad has a privately arranged contact with ds. He sends a letter one week and I send on the next. I don't know what to do anymore though because it's making me ill. Without too much detail in case he or his partner are on here, he manipulates me the same as he did in our abusive relationship.

I can't keep doing the letters because I can't bear talking to him but at the same time can't stop because not fair to ds who is 3 so needs me to maintain this. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and it's making me poorly. I'm so tired of the effort it takes for something that is full of lies and often written by someone else.

Are there alternative methods of distant contact like this that wouldn't involve me? HV suggested getting my sister to do it but I'd still have to hear what he's written anyway and help sister respond so seems pointless.

No face to face contact atm because he has a history of violence with children (not ds) but it's not officially recorded so no use for protecting ds. He has asked to see him beginning of next year.

I'm so worried for ds and for my health and how that will affect him too.

NatashaBee Sat 28-Jun-14 03:25:27

It sounds like it's time to get a formal (legal) arrangement in place. If he has a history of violence then I would be doing/documenting everything to try and ensure any contact was supervised in a contact centre. It sounds like you are (understandably) terrified of him. Talk to a lawyer and find out your options so that he doesn't start calling the shots when it comes to contact.

cestlavielife Mon 30-Jun-14 14:27:56

so he sends a letter which you read out to ds and then ds responds and you write it down?

if ds is three he cant write letters can he?
have ds record something ?
skype?

have you ahd some counselling to help you deal with this

MegThePeg Tue 01-Jul-14 12:30:01

Id go down the Skype/face time route.

That way if u didn't want to be involved your sister could do it for you, I'd make sure she stayed in the room though to listen in case something inappropriate is said.

Losingthelastmarble Tue 01-Jul-14 13:03:13

I've already offered skype but as that would require more effort than a sometimes three line letter, he doesn't accept the offer. It would make things easier for me like you say but easy for me or ds isn't something he concerns himself with.

He sends a brief letter usually about his life and what he's been up to with an obligatory how's ds at the end. I send one back ignoring the stuff about his life that isn't relevant and tell him what ds has been up to. Then he sends one back that ignores anything I wrote and again is just like a diary about himself. The only thing that has changed recently is he has found himself a girlfriend and like a story as old as time he (she!) has now decided contact would be good.

I just want ds to be happy and safe with a happy and safe mum.

SavoyCabbage Tue 01-Jul-14 13:08:56

I'd much rather do letters than FaceTime if I were you. Then he will be much more 'in' your life and home.

Can someone else read the letters to your ds? Then for the letter back, could you do it like those diaries that they do at child care.

Monday-park. Ds enjoyed the slide

Tuesday-ds watched 4 episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine

Etc.

cestlavielife Tue 01-Jul-14 14:23:24

seems a bit pointless for a three year old. what does three year old care about his life ?
anyway you have to just find a way to live with it and treat it as a harmless bit of paper from someone who means nothing to you, but has some relevance to ds.

you doing right thing in ignoring his life story.
it will go over 3 year old head anyway

should be short sweet to the point and at 3 year old level hi Ds I had sausages for tea how about you?

and ds can write the same back

just put your ex in a box, metaphorically. stick him at the back of the shelf. when you get a letter, bring him down, read letter to ds, write letter back DS ate sausages and watched Tv
then put ex back on shelf out of sight and out of mind

why don't you do email?

tcycp13 Tue 01-Jul-14 14:47:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 02-Jul-14 00:41:30

get ds to draw a picture and put that in the envelope. after all the letter is supposed to be from him. scribe anything that ds wants to write about the picture onto the back. get someone else to deal with the letters you receive.

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