STBXH wants to have visits at my home

(5 Posts)
BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 01:03:59

My H and I are separating. My decision-he's against it and unwilling to go. He says he won't go till we've made all the access decisions.
He is looking for a room in a flatshare or he's been offered a room at his aunts. He won't rent a flat as he says he doesn't have the money. He hasn't an interest in having the children overnight-he's never done nights as in feeding DS or getting up with DD if she wakes or is unwell. He also finds it hard to get up early.
Anyway I am happy for him to see the children- 4 month old DS and 4 year old DD as much as he likes on the weekend to go swimming/park etc. But he wants to come to the house in some of the early weekday mornings to see them both sometime between 5-8am and also to do bedtime. He arrives home usually at bedtime-7.30pm and it always excites DD and I find it harder to get her to bed. If he's late and I get her to bed before he's back it's much smoother plus DS is usually asleep by 7pm.
Seeing the children at these times would be really disruptive to their routine and I think not in their best interests. I do want him to have as much access to them as he likes but not that doesn't benefit them. I'm also worried they would be confused if his visits are in my home apart from the fact it would be difficult for me also.
I've suggested him taking DD to school but he says he can't. Or coming home early to take them out after school but he also says he can't.
He wants me to "prove" that seeing them here and at those times isn't appropriate..he is very controlling.

cestlavielife Mon 23-Jun-14 12:42:25

just say no.

dc need to know he doesn't live there any more.
up to him to make arrangements.
and no to 5 am visits!

There was an interesting piece on radio 4 this morning, a woman (sorry I forget who) had written a book sighting evidence that it was actually much better for small children to have stability and visits in their own home if possible - food for thought if you think you can handle it.

As for the timings - he needs to fit in around the children's routines really. If she goes to bed at 7, he needs to be there before and put her to bed himself. The morning seems a bit mad - if he's not a morning person is he really going to make it that often??

Whatever happens, neither of you HAVE to agree anything just because the other one says. Neither do you HAVE to prove anything - this is him being ridiculous.

If he is in agreement to you being primary carer, and the children living with you, then he has to accept that you have more of a degree of control - and so do you, so exercise it!! Do what's best for the kids. Little and often is a good thing, but not at the complete expense of their routine.

Unfortunately, my ex still struggles with this part on occasion, and feels he should be able to do as he pleases without agreeing with me first. He particularly gets angry if I don't agree. But that is the situation - you can disagree, and you can propose other arrangements. It would be best if you could compromise and come to an agreement, but if he won't you shouldn't feel that you have to do what he wants, you can put your foot down.

Letitgoletitgo Wed 25-Jun-14 12:00:03

Say no now.

When XH moved out, I allowed him back to do bedtimes in old house. Hated it, but seemed to work best for kids - only one night per week though. However, when I moved out of that house 18 months later, I had a new DP and didn't want XH invading our new place. He went crazy when I said now I'd moved the hone visits would stop, had his solicitor write letters etc (not that they can do anything, it is your right to have or not gave whomever you choose in your home).
It took a few months of abusive emails texts and phone calls until he gave up. He still sees them 1 night per week, they go to the park in the summer or local harvester for ice cream in the winter. (DCs are now 2 and 4, were 1 month and 2 when he left). It is too late, past bedtimes, out of routine etc, but once a week doesn't hurt.

So my advice - say no now, definitely to the mornings, up to you if you want him there in the evenings. Is hard as like me, your DCs are very little still. You could suggest one or two set eves per week he can come at bedtime. But be warned of him getting too cosy, and dare I say it, making it "too easy" as in the future he will need to adapt his lifestyle to gi thus kids in, not make them fit in with his lifestyle. Good luck!

Letitgoletitgo Wed 25-Jun-14 12:00:27

* fit his kids in!

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